UWF - The week at a glance (Jan. 8 - Jan. 12, 2008)
Well, the first week of the sublime UWF show on ESPN Classic has come and gone (and by gone, I mean that this week’s shows start in less than an hour and a half as I type this. Procrastination!). I was originally planning to recap individual episodes, but that seems like it would lead to some sort of head explodey, so we’ll just cover an entire week at a time with whatever notes I bother to take while watching the show live. Should allow me to hold onto what little sanity I have left.
-First thing I have to point out is Bruno Sammartino on commentary. He could care less about any of this and goes out of his way to disagree with Herb Abrams any time he can. Abrams, of course, was insane. His commentary fully bears that out.
-The wrestling is…okay. Or okay-ish, anyway. Mostly squash matches where the job guys get in more offense than you’d really want to see. The main events tend to be decent, if not poorly booked.
-Apparently, Gary Keyes nailed Billy Jack Haynes’ wife, because one doesn’t typically open a match with a shoot-looking German suplex in most matches. Especially in 1990. Heh. He then proceeded to lay in quite the beatdown.
-Fun fact (via Abrams): "Kids love Mr. Wonderful. Girls love Mr. Wonderful. America loves Mr. Wonderful!" Who knew?
-It’s always nice to see Steve Williams kicking the shit out of people. Wonder what Meltz did to piss Abrams off?
-I marked out huge for Col. DeBeers. I have no idea why. About the only notable thing I can recall him ever doing was the feud with Snuka. I was hoping for the face first piledriver here, but got screwed over on that.
-The Cactus Jack/David Sammartino match was pretty good. It’s always cool to watch Jack at this point, where he could still move around really well. All appendages accounted for as well! He also breaks out his “I’d rather hurt a man than love a woman” line in the inset promo. Crowd digs him. Probably because he’s busting his ass while everyone else is just sitting there working a chinlock for ten minutes. No ricockulous bumps, which mildly surprised me. And yeah…if you were wondering, David Sammartino still sucks.
- Was that promo by B. Brian Blair possibly the most painful thing to watch in the history of televised wrestling? Seriously…never speak again. No wonder Iron Sheik wants to humble him.
-Abram-ism alert! Regarding Blair: “…a fan favorite…a favorite of the fans!” Heh.
-The Blair/Dan Spivey match wasn’t something that I’d want to see again, but in terms of the wrestling that we’re getting on these shows, it wasn’t all that bad. Disregarding the lame non-finish leading to an even lamer pull apart brawl, I guess.
-Holy shit! The Nightstalker (Brian Clarke) is on my television! And yes, he has the axe! Other than the brutal match with Sid on one of the Clash shows, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen him work under this gimmick. I should probably not share this memory because it will (and probably should) lead to mockery, but when I was in…7th maybe 8th grade, I had an English assignment where I had to write a poem about my biggest hobby. Said poem contained what was probably a brilliant rhyme involving, “The mighty Nightstalker.” What the bloody hell could I have rhymed with Nightstalker? Anyway, I’m glad that no one reads these things. My lame childhood memories are safe!
-Jeff Husker wears a Nebraska football helmet to the ring. That’s meta! He works a guy named Helmut Hessler, who seems to be a shaggy blonde German dude wearing amateur headgear. That’s an interesting gimmick, I guess.
-Just to show that John Tolos is just as dumb as Abrams, we get this gem: "Universal Wrestling is the best Universal Wrestling Federation in the entire world.” Well okay then! I wonder what the best Universal Wrestling in the entire *universe* would be? It boggles the mind!
-Jimmy Valiant just kissed a fat chick in the crowd and knocked her down in the process. God, I love this shit! Also, he’s shocked and/or appalled that his former protégé, Colonel RED, joined the Russians. Who could have ever seen that one coming?
-I used to read about Wet n’ Wild in the Apter mags and really wanted to see them. Now I have. The 16 year wait wasn’t really worth it. They were sufficient in a seventh rate Rockers sort of way, but really, is that what you want to put on a resume?
-Bob Orton closes the show with a promo, referencing his twelve year old son. I wonder what ever happened to that kid?
-DeBeers won’t wrestle because the ref is black. Controversial! So does that make his beatdown of said ref at the end of the match a hate crime? Someone needs to look into this.
-I wonder if Lou Albano is clinically insane or if he‘s on THE DRUGS. I mean, he always pretty much just spouted gibberish, but his interview with Bob Orton is practically surreal. He just randomly disappears out of frame for like 15 seconds before popping back into the scene. Orton looks quite confused. Also, bored.
-Herb Abrams saw Jay Strongbow’s teepee! Tremendous!
-Orndorff vs. Dr. Death was actually worth staying up for. Really fun match with both guys kicking the crap out of one another. This one is actually worth tracking down, as I’m sure some brave soul is uploading this shit on a video site near you!
-Don Muraco! This episode is already a winner!
-I fell asleep after this and apparently missed a Louie Spicolli appearance. That sucks. A lot. I missed other stuff, too, but who gives a crap about that?
-Oh! This show is being taped outside of the friggin’ Nickelodeon section of Universal Studios. Take that, TNA! If someone gets slimed, this is the greatest show in the history of ever.
-The Blackhearts had a great look. Luna is scary as ever. I’m surprised this gimmick never went anywhere. They were pretty decent in the ring as well. I question why they decide to hit their finisher (Veg-O-Matic) on the guy who must have weighed 400+, though.
-I was entirely unaware that Cpl. Kirschner worked in UWF. He looked quite a bit smaller. I have nothing else to say!
-It’s Brady Boone! But not as Battle Kat. We get “The Lynx,” instead. Oh, Brady…what sneaky, sneaky guy you are. I bet no one in the WWF even noticed what you did there! At any rate, he’s actually athletic, so this is a bit faster paced, if not good or anything. I think his opponent (Mr. V) used to be a job guy in WCW. He’s obviously got star power!
-This 6-man tag is quite the random little cluster. But we get a Boris Zhukov sighting, so thumbs up to that. His cranium? Still MASSIVE. Nice to see Bam Bam Bigelow as well. He didn’t do much here, though.
-Lou Albano must have been doing lines DURING THE SHOW. I’ve literally never heard such a random bit of commentary in 20+ years as a fan. What a nutty guy.
-The Orton/Blair match seemed like it would be the best match of the entire week, but then they went and just ridiculously overbooked the finish. It was like watching TNA, actually.
-David Sammartino’s promo is grand. He’s not the biggest guy out there, but he *is* the most fit. Also, he’s dangerous…but only when provoked. QUALITY.
-He wrestles Ivan Koloff to close out the week and they have a decent little match. Dumb finish, of course. Watch as the referee pauses his count so that Sammartino can come back in, then quickly counts Ivan out. I think someone needs to embrace his Communist masters.
See you in seven with more goofy Abrams fun!
-First thing I have to point out is Bruno Sammartino on commentary. He could care less about any of this and goes out of his way to disagree with Herb Abrams any time he can. Abrams, of course, was insane. His commentary fully bears that out.
-The wrestling is…okay. Or okay-ish, anyway. Mostly squash matches where the job guys get in more offense than you’d really want to see. The main events tend to be decent, if not poorly booked.
-Apparently, Gary Keyes nailed Billy Jack Haynes’ wife, because one doesn’t typically open a match with a shoot-looking German suplex in most matches. Especially in 1990. Heh. He then proceeded to lay in quite the beatdown.
-Fun fact (via Abrams): "Kids love Mr. Wonderful. Girls love Mr. Wonderful. America loves Mr. Wonderful!" Who knew?
-It’s always nice to see Steve Williams kicking the shit out of people. Wonder what Meltz did to piss Abrams off?
-I marked out huge for Col. DeBeers. I have no idea why. About the only notable thing I can recall him ever doing was the feud with Snuka. I was hoping for the face first piledriver here, but got screwed over on that.
-The Cactus Jack/David Sammartino match was pretty good. It’s always cool to watch Jack at this point, where he could still move around really well. All appendages accounted for as well! He also breaks out his “I’d rather hurt a man than love a woman” line in the inset promo. Crowd digs him. Probably because he’s busting his ass while everyone else is just sitting there working a chinlock for ten minutes. No ricockulous bumps, which mildly surprised me. And yeah…if you were wondering, David Sammartino still sucks.
- Was that promo by B. Brian Blair possibly the most painful thing to watch in the history of televised wrestling? Seriously…never speak again. No wonder Iron Sheik wants to humble him.
-Abram-ism alert! Regarding Blair: “…a fan favorite…a favorite of the fans!” Heh.
-The Blair/Dan Spivey match wasn’t something that I’d want to see again, but in terms of the wrestling that we’re getting on these shows, it wasn’t all that bad. Disregarding the lame non-finish leading to an even lamer pull apart brawl, I guess.
-Holy shit! The Nightstalker (Brian Clarke) is on my television! And yes, he has the axe! Other than the brutal match with Sid on one of the Clash shows, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen him work under this gimmick. I should probably not share this memory because it will (and probably should) lead to mockery, but when I was in…7th maybe 8th grade, I had an English assignment where I had to write a poem about my biggest hobby. Said poem contained what was probably a brilliant rhyme involving, “The mighty Nightstalker.” What the bloody hell could I have rhymed with Nightstalker? Anyway, I’m glad that no one reads these things. My lame childhood memories are safe!
-Jeff Husker wears a Nebraska football helmet to the ring. That’s meta! He works a guy named Helmut Hessler, who seems to be a shaggy blonde German dude wearing amateur headgear. That’s an interesting gimmick, I guess.
-Just to show that John Tolos is just as dumb as Abrams, we get this gem: "Universal Wrestling is the best Universal Wrestling Federation in the entire world.” Well okay then! I wonder what the best Universal Wrestling in the entire *universe* would be? It boggles the mind!
-Jimmy Valiant just kissed a fat chick in the crowd and knocked her down in the process. God, I love this shit! Also, he’s shocked and/or appalled that his former protégé, Colonel RED, joined the Russians. Who could have ever seen that one coming?
-I used to read about Wet n’ Wild in the Apter mags and really wanted to see them. Now I have. The 16 year wait wasn’t really worth it. They were sufficient in a seventh rate Rockers sort of way, but really, is that what you want to put on a resume?
-Bob Orton closes the show with a promo, referencing his twelve year old son. I wonder what ever happened to that kid?
-DeBeers won’t wrestle because the ref is black. Controversial! So does that make his beatdown of said ref at the end of the match a hate crime? Someone needs to look into this.
-I wonder if Lou Albano is clinically insane or if he‘s on THE DRUGS. I mean, he always pretty much just spouted gibberish, but his interview with Bob Orton is practically surreal. He just randomly disappears out of frame for like 15 seconds before popping back into the scene. Orton looks quite confused. Also, bored.
-Herb Abrams saw Jay Strongbow’s teepee! Tremendous!
-Orndorff vs. Dr. Death was actually worth staying up for. Really fun match with both guys kicking the crap out of one another. This one is actually worth tracking down, as I’m sure some brave soul is uploading this shit on a video site near you!
-Don Muraco! This episode is already a winner!
-I fell asleep after this and apparently missed a Louie Spicolli appearance. That sucks. A lot. I missed other stuff, too, but who gives a crap about that?
-Oh! This show is being taped outside of the friggin’ Nickelodeon section of Universal Studios. Take that, TNA! If someone gets slimed, this is the greatest show in the history of ever.
-The Blackhearts had a great look. Luna is scary as ever. I’m surprised this gimmick never went anywhere. They were pretty decent in the ring as well. I question why they decide to hit their finisher (Veg-O-Matic) on the guy who must have weighed 400+, though.
-I was entirely unaware that Cpl. Kirschner worked in UWF. He looked quite a bit smaller. I have nothing else to say!
-It’s Brady Boone! But not as Battle Kat. We get “The Lynx,” instead. Oh, Brady…what sneaky, sneaky guy you are. I bet no one in the WWF even noticed what you did there! At any rate, he’s actually athletic, so this is a bit faster paced, if not good or anything. I think his opponent (Mr. V) used to be a job guy in WCW. He’s obviously got star power!
-This 6-man tag is quite the random little cluster. But we get a Boris Zhukov sighting, so thumbs up to that. His cranium? Still MASSIVE. Nice to see Bam Bam Bigelow as well. He didn’t do much here, though.
-Lou Albano must have been doing lines DURING THE SHOW. I’ve literally never heard such a random bit of commentary in 20+ years as a fan. What a nutty guy.
-The Orton/Blair match seemed like it would be the best match of the entire week, but then they went and just ridiculously overbooked the finish. It was like watching TNA, actually.
-David Sammartino’s promo is grand. He’s not the biggest guy out there, but he *is* the most fit. Also, he’s dangerous…but only when provoked. QUALITY.
-He wrestles Ivan Koloff to close out the week and they have a decent little match. Dumb finish, of course. Watch as the referee pauses his count so that Sammartino can come back in, then quickly counts Ivan out. I think someone needs to embrace his Communist masters.
See you in seven with more goofy Abrams fun!
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