TNA iMPACT! (10.11.07)
-Back with another week of TNA. We even have EXTRA CONTENT! as I recap the first run match from the Road to Bound For Glory show. Okay, that’ll probably take like two lines, but dammit, it took effort on my part. Appreciate me!
Roxxi Laveaux v. Ms. Brooks
-Here’s your extra content. Roxxi is pretty cute. She apparently has blue hair this week. This is all really basic and boring, though they’re both laying in the chops a bit harder than you’d think they would in a throwaway match that isn’t even being featured on the weekly show. Roode distracts Brooks, who gets planted with the Dominator, giving Roxxi the win. I have no idea if they have a gimmick name for it, but looking at the crew of chicks in TNA, I’m officially dubbing it the “Implant Smasher.” You see what I did there? God, am I ever clever!
-Angle arrives at the building wearing Sting’s son’s football jersey. That angle was laid out so well that they needed to run with it again this week, I see! Awesome!
-The main event this week is Angle & Team 3D versus LAX & Junior Fatu. Holy crap do I ever hate one of those teams. I’ll let you figure out which one! Angle has just been so…dull in TNA. In and out of the ring. He’s not funny anymore and seems to take himself WAAAAAAAAAY too seriously. I’ve not seen a good Angle match in TNA, either, so it’s not like his wrestling is carrying him through. He’s just a guy I want to see disappear at this point.
Jay Lethal v. Havoc
-I pointed out in last week’s recap why I hate Lethal’s gimmick, but I should have also pointed out that he’s damn good at it. That has to count for something.
-Chris Daniels is out at ringside. Apparently, he’s communing with Jesus. Aren’t we all? Insane Fallen Angel is pretty entertaining and he feels less robotic, so let’s run with it!
-Tenay still hypes Havoc as being part of Serotonin, so I guess he’s not with Mitchell? It’s all very confusing and it’s not like TNA goes out of it’s way to be clear on anything it produces.
-Nice dive off the top to the floor by Havoc. I honestly can’t say if he’s any good, because I don’t think he’s had a match in TNA that’s run over three minutes.
-Lethal’s ribs are taped up, DDP style, after last week’s attack by the Dudz. He’s not selling them or anything, but you can’t have everything.
-Havoc busts out an Osaka Street Cutter! Nifty! I always wondered why a ton of guys weren’t using that as a finisher. Really cool move that’s largely ignored for some reason.
-The only part of the package that Lethal is missing is the elbowdrop. It’s definitely subpar by Macho standards. Of course, Savage also used to kill guys with it to avoid being injured himself, so maybe it’s a good thing that Lethal’s isn’t identical.
-Backstage, Karen Angle is fighting with Kurt. Again. Who gives a shit?
-More Angle, of course. Can’t get enough of him and he’s obviously spiked the ratings from the 0.9s they used to get all the way to the 1.1s they get now. If they double the amount of screen time he gets, perhaps they’ll hit 1.3 by next year! Anyway, he tells us that he attacked Sting’s son because he wanted to face the “old Sting.” Wouldn’t that require a hair cut, some blonde dye, more colorful paint and a Lex Luger heel turn?
-Karen comes out to argue. What a fox. She essentially reveals that the entire “Sting slapped Karen” bit had been set up by Kurt all along. She thinks he went over the line going after Sting’s son. He goes all emotionally abusive on her and I fast forward. Sting shows up on the tron. Is it go time? Nope. A dummy falls from the sky (the jokes too easy, so I won’t go there) and Angle is tricked into giving it an anklelock! That’ll learn him!
-Kevin Nash chats with Sting. He tries to talk Sting out of killing Angle, telling him that he doesn’t want to go out like that. Sting disagrees and tells Nash not to “lose his edge.” Holy shit! Nash is going to wrestle again! He’s gotta be the best con man in the history of the business. How many times has he fucked TNA over as an in ring talent? Yet they keep going back to him. Tremendous. They need to bring back Scott Hall. I know he’s been working in Mexico and Puerto Rico, but I need him on my TV ASAP. One more for the good guys!
-Team Pacman promo. Why are they now censoring the word “ass?” And why does Pacman look like he’s about to fall asleep?
XXX (Elix & Senshi) v. Team Pacman - Non-Title
Senshi murderizes Killings. Could they waste Ki any more than they already do? What’s sad about the death of the X-Division isn’t so much the state it’s in now, but the fact that it could be better than it *ever* was in like a week if they cared enough to do it. They have talent out the ass, but this is what he’s wasted on instead.
-We’re almost two minutes into this and Killings hasn’t spun. Oh…wait.
-Pacman tosses a football at Senshi. I wish Ki would just stand up right now and kick him full force in the head. At least TNA will get *something* out of the $25,000 per appearance he’s supposedly making. And I’ll get to see a whole lot of awesome. DO IT, KI!
-They really book his inability to do anything physical poorly. He should basically be hiding out on the apron, but he continually gets tagged in for long stretches, when the rest of the guys have to stand around and basically do nothing. What’s the point?
-Elix comes in, looking impoverished. Damn…dude needs to hit the catering table. Get thee a sammich!
-Now Killings hits an Osaka Street Cutter. What the hell? Do they just pick one move at the beginning of the tapings and declare it the move of the night?
-Pacman distracts Elix by “making it rain,” allowing Truth to hit the axe kick and get the win. I bet Tommy Urbanski thought that was HY-LARIOUS! The topper on this is Mike Tenay saying, “making it rain” over and over again. He needs the street cred, yo.
-The Steiners come out and I’m assuming that even as faces, Scotty is going to murder this idiot and then nail his wife. Instead, he hugs him. Boo! He calls out Team 3D and says that when they go to Atlanta, they’re going to tailgate, roasting the fattest pigs in TNA. Hahahaha…Bubba fat jokes never grow old.
-Could we get a moratorium on the phrase, “Hotlanta?” That’s so very 1996.
-Dudz respond, essentially with a yo mama joke. Sigh. He cracks on Britney as well. So timely and relevant! Maybe Chris Crocker will bust a cap in his ass and I won’t have to see him anymore. DO IT, FREAKY AMBISEXUAL CREEPY PERSON! And now I'm timely and relevant!
-Nash chats with the Angles. I’d rather have more of the former and much, much less of the latter. Angle storms of being all ARRRRGH Hulk smash angry. Nash (to Karen): “Is he like that at home?”
-The TNA Knockouts come out, with the final two having a match. Here’s who we have: Christy Hemme, Jackie Moore, O.D.B., Talia Madison, Angel Williams, Roxxi Laveaux and...
Gail Kim v. Amazing Kong
-If you’ve never seen Kong, imagine Vader. Except black and presumably a chick. She’s actually really good in the female wrecking ball role. She might have the only natural breasts in the division as well!
-Gail looks shocked at the appearance of Amazing Kong. Why, I’m not sure. Their entrances were 10 seconds apart and I’m pretty sure that Kong has a tough time hiding out backstage.
-Kong annihilates Gail and kills her with a sitout powerbomb. Good debut for Kong, as she looked pretty much invincible.
-Earlier, Don West interviewed Sonjay Dutt. Color me amused at the direction they’re taking his character, as he’s now looking for donations for the “Guru Humanitarian Fund.” To stop the Ebola Virus in Nairobi, no less. Dutt: “Enough Ebola Already! Indeed. This quickly went from being retarded to being retardedly awesome, so kudos to TNA for that.
-We get a really brief clip of Tomko & Giant Bernard defending the IWGP tag titles in Japan. Didn’t really catch who they were wrestling. Actually, I’m unfamiliar with a lot of the newer NJPW guys, so I might not have known who they were anyway. Kinda looked like Yuji Nagata in one part, but I’m not sure. Nor do I feel like looking it up!
Chattin’ With the Champ
-An interview segment with Christian (and AJ, of course!)? Yay, maybe? Your special guest is Samoa Joe and Christian was nice enough to theme the set to the occasion.
-When Joe comes out, AJ immediately hides behind the tiki bar. Oh, AJ. You so crazy. The segment is pretty boring, but AJ eating a banana is funny for some reason. This leads to a brawl (shocking, I know!) and AJ blasts Joe with a ukulele. It does nothing. Poor AJ. He wasn’t aware that Samoans have hard heads. Matt Morgan is out to carry AJ to the back. Christian takes advantage of the distraction, attacking Joe with a coconut. Hey, that’s only 24 years out of date.
-LAX promo. I’ve got nothing.
Petey Williams v. Robert Roode (w/Ms. Brooks)
-This ended up being a nice back and forth match. I really have nothing bad to say about it. It wasn’t good, but considering how much I dislike Roode, merely being okay is a victory on his part. Roode wins with a Fisherman’s suplex, by the way. I should stick at least a little bit of play by play into these things.
-More Angle. He’s looking for Sting in a bathroom. It’s so spur of the moment that they had time to set up proper lighting in the bathroom, which they do a piss poor job of hiding. Ugh. Angle kicks in a stall door and finds nothing. The next door reveals Fatu, who apparently didn’t notice the sound of Angle kicking in stall doors, as he sits reading the paper while presumably taking a dump. Angle and JB wish they could take that vision back, but you can’t unsee that sort of thing, I’d imagine.
Raven & Black Reign v. Rhino & Abyss
-If I said that they brawled around the building and hit each other with plunder, would you believe me?
-Raven DDTs Abyss into tacks. Why does he feel the need to take so many facefirst bumps into the tacks? It’s all fun and games until someone puts an eye out.
-Would you continue to believe me if I told you that the partners ended up brawling? Rhino ends up taking an accidental Black Hole Slam and Dustin gets the win.
-Fatu promo. He did it for the Rock, you know. Also, the People.
LAX & Junior Fatu v. Team 3D & Kurt Angle
-I hope Homicide can pull off a miracle here. I loves me some Hernandez, but I don’t think the Dudz or Angle are going to let him toss them around like the sacks of crap that they are.
-’Cide looks really, really tiny out there. There’s a huge disparity in size in this company. Hey! Maybe that’s why they used to feature these awesome matches….called it the X-Division, or something.
-I write it every time they come out, but this match is every Dudz match from the last five years. Way to change it up, guys!
-Homicide sets Angle up for the Gringo Killa. You have no idea how hard I’d mark out if he hit it. I’m not sure *I* know how hard I’d mark out if he dropped Angle on his melon. No dice, though.
-Hernandez just sailed over the top rope with that plancha. My jaw literally dropped. Again. As it always does. The guy is awe inspiring.
-Homicide gets a visual fall on Angle (ref is distracted). Angle gets the actual fall on Homicide, after an Olympic Slam. Sad.
-This wasn’t good, but it was pretty fun to watch. That actually describes the entire show this week.
-Postmatch, Sting reveals himself as one of the members of the Latino Nation and beats Angle down.
-Bound For Glory hype closes the show. Tenay: “Bound For Glory is that one Pay Per View every year that we build to.” Yeah, it’s nice that you pay attention to at least one of them. Heh.
-Sting: “We’re only going to put the best of the best in the ring.” Wow…half the guys on the show seem to point in a different direction. But what do I know?
Decent-ish show this week. Much better than the first two hour Impact, at any rate. I hope they can grow into the extra hour, because this company has so much potential right now. I think that’s what makes me so hostile towards the current product. It could be so much more and they wouldn’t even have to tweak all that much to get there. Time will tell how that turns out, I guess.
Roxxi Laveaux v. Ms. Brooks
-Here’s your extra content. Roxxi is pretty cute. She apparently has blue hair this week. This is all really basic and boring, though they’re both laying in the chops a bit harder than you’d think they would in a throwaway match that isn’t even being featured on the weekly show. Roode distracts Brooks, who gets planted with the Dominator, giving Roxxi the win. I have no idea if they have a gimmick name for it, but looking at the crew of chicks in TNA, I’m officially dubbing it the “Implant Smasher.” You see what I did there? God, am I ever clever!
-Angle arrives at the building wearing Sting’s son’s football jersey. That angle was laid out so well that they needed to run with it again this week, I see! Awesome!
-The main event this week is Angle & Team 3D versus LAX & Junior Fatu. Holy crap do I ever hate one of those teams. I’ll let you figure out which one! Angle has just been so…dull in TNA. In and out of the ring. He’s not funny anymore and seems to take himself WAAAAAAAAAY too seriously. I’ve not seen a good Angle match in TNA, either, so it’s not like his wrestling is carrying him through. He’s just a guy I want to see disappear at this point.
Jay Lethal v. Havoc
-I pointed out in last week’s recap why I hate Lethal’s gimmick, but I should have also pointed out that he’s damn good at it. That has to count for something.
-Chris Daniels is out at ringside. Apparently, he’s communing with Jesus. Aren’t we all? Insane Fallen Angel is pretty entertaining and he feels less robotic, so let’s run with it!
-Tenay still hypes Havoc as being part of Serotonin, so I guess he’s not with Mitchell? It’s all very confusing and it’s not like TNA goes out of it’s way to be clear on anything it produces.
-Nice dive off the top to the floor by Havoc. I honestly can’t say if he’s any good, because I don’t think he’s had a match in TNA that’s run over three minutes.
-Lethal’s ribs are taped up, DDP style, after last week’s attack by the Dudz. He’s not selling them or anything, but you can’t have everything.
-Havoc busts out an Osaka Street Cutter! Nifty! I always wondered why a ton of guys weren’t using that as a finisher. Really cool move that’s largely ignored for some reason.
-The only part of the package that Lethal is missing is the elbowdrop. It’s definitely subpar by Macho standards. Of course, Savage also used to kill guys with it to avoid being injured himself, so maybe it’s a good thing that Lethal’s isn’t identical.
-Backstage, Karen Angle is fighting with Kurt. Again. Who gives a shit?
-More Angle, of course. Can’t get enough of him and he’s obviously spiked the ratings from the 0.9s they used to get all the way to the 1.1s they get now. If they double the amount of screen time he gets, perhaps they’ll hit 1.3 by next year! Anyway, he tells us that he attacked Sting’s son because he wanted to face the “old Sting.” Wouldn’t that require a hair cut, some blonde dye, more colorful paint and a Lex Luger heel turn?
-Karen comes out to argue. What a fox. She essentially reveals that the entire “Sting slapped Karen” bit had been set up by Kurt all along. She thinks he went over the line going after Sting’s son. He goes all emotionally abusive on her and I fast forward. Sting shows up on the tron. Is it go time? Nope. A dummy falls from the sky (the jokes too easy, so I won’t go there) and Angle is tricked into giving it an anklelock! That’ll learn him!
-Kevin Nash chats with Sting. He tries to talk Sting out of killing Angle, telling him that he doesn’t want to go out like that. Sting disagrees and tells Nash not to “lose his edge.” Holy shit! Nash is going to wrestle again! He’s gotta be the best con man in the history of the business. How many times has he fucked TNA over as an in ring talent? Yet they keep going back to him. Tremendous. They need to bring back Scott Hall. I know he’s been working in Mexico and Puerto Rico, but I need him on my TV ASAP. One more for the good guys!
-Team Pacman promo. Why are they now censoring the word “ass?” And why does Pacman look like he’s about to fall asleep?
XXX (Elix & Senshi) v. Team Pacman - Non-Title
Senshi murderizes Killings. Could they waste Ki any more than they already do? What’s sad about the death of the X-Division isn’t so much the state it’s in now, but the fact that it could be better than it *ever* was in like a week if they cared enough to do it. They have talent out the ass, but this is what he’s wasted on instead.
-We’re almost two minutes into this and Killings hasn’t spun. Oh…wait.
-Pacman tosses a football at Senshi. I wish Ki would just stand up right now and kick him full force in the head. At least TNA will get *something* out of the $25,000 per appearance he’s supposedly making. And I’ll get to see a whole lot of awesome. DO IT, KI!
-They really book his inability to do anything physical poorly. He should basically be hiding out on the apron, but he continually gets tagged in for long stretches, when the rest of the guys have to stand around and basically do nothing. What’s the point?
-Elix comes in, looking impoverished. Damn…dude needs to hit the catering table. Get thee a sammich!
-Now Killings hits an Osaka Street Cutter. What the hell? Do they just pick one move at the beginning of the tapings and declare it the move of the night?
-Pacman distracts Elix by “making it rain,” allowing Truth to hit the axe kick and get the win. I bet Tommy Urbanski thought that was HY-LARIOUS! The topper on this is Mike Tenay saying, “making it rain” over and over again. He needs the street cred, yo.
-The Steiners come out and I’m assuming that even as faces, Scotty is going to murder this idiot and then nail his wife. Instead, he hugs him. Boo! He calls out Team 3D and says that when they go to Atlanta, they’re going to tailgate, roasting the fattest pigs in TNA. Hahahaha…Bubba fat jokes never grow old.
-Could we get a moratorium on the phrase, “Hotlanta?” That’s so very 1996.
-Dudz respond, essentially with a yo mama joke. Sigh. He cracks on Britney as well. So timely and relevant! Maybe Chris Crocker will bust a cap in his ass and I won’t have to see him anymore. DO IT, FREAKY AMBISEXUAL CREEPY PERSON! And now I'm timely and relevant!
-Nash chats with the Angles. I’d rather have more of the former and much, much less of the latter. Angle storms of being all ARRRRGH Hulk smash angry. Nash (to Karen): “Is he like that at home?”
-The TNA Knockouts come out, with the final two having a match. Here’s who we have: Christy Hemme, Jackie Moore, O.D.B., Talia Madison, Angel Williams, Roxxi Laveaux and...
Gail Kim v. Amazing Kong
-If you’ve never seen Kong, imagine Vader. Except black and presumably a chick. She’s actually really good in the female wrecking ball role. She might have the only natural breasts in the division as well!
-Gail looks shocked at the appearance of Amazing Kong. Why, I’m not sure. Their entrances were 10 seconds apart and I’m pretty sure that Kong has a tough time hiding out backstage.
-Kong annihilates Gail and kills her with a sitout powerbomb. Good debut for Kong, as she looked pretty much invincible.
-Earlier, Don West interviewed Sonjay Dutt. Color me amused at the direction they’re taking his character, as he’s now looking for donations for the “Guru Humanitarian Fund.” To stop the Ebola Virus in Nairobi, no less. Dutt: “Enough Ebola Already! Indeed. This quickly went from being retarded to being retardedly awesome, so kudos to TNA for that.
-We get a really brief clip of Tomko & Giant Bernard defending the IWGP tag titles in Japan. Didn’t really catch who they were wrestling. Actually, I’m unfamiliar with a lot of the newer NJPW guys, so I might not have known who they were anyway. Kinda looked like Yuji Nagata in one part, but I’m not sure. Nor do I feel like looking it up!
Chattin’ With the Champ
-An interview segment with Christian (and AJ, of course!)? Yay, maybe? Your special guest is Samoa Joe and Christian was nice enough to theme the set to the occasion.
-When Joe comes out, AJ immediately hides behind the tiki bar. Oh, AJ. You so crazy. The segment is pretty boring, but AJ eating a banana is funny for some reason. This leads to a brawl (shocking, I know!) and AJ blasts Joe with a ukulele. It does nothing. Poor AJ. He wasn’t aware that Samoans have hard heads. Matt Morgan is out to carry AJ to the back. Christian takes advantage of the distraction, attacking Joe with a coconut. Hey, that’s only 24 years out of date.
-LAX promo. I’ve got nothing.
Petey Williams v. Robert Roode (w/Ms. Brooks)
-This ended up being a nice back and forth match. I really have nothing bad to say about it. It wasn’t good, but considering how much I dislike Roode, merely being okay is a victory on his part. Roode wins with a Fisherman’s suplex, by the way. I should stick at least a little bit of play by play into these things.
-More Angle. He’s looking for Sting in a bathroom. It’s so spur of the moment that they had time to set up proper lighting in the bathroom, which they do a piss poor job of hiding. Ugh. Angle kicks in a stall door and finds nothing. The next door reveals Fatu, who apparently didn’t notice the sound of Angle kicking in stall doors, as he sits reading the paper while presumably taking a dump. Angle and JB wish they could take that vision back, but you can’t unsee that sort of thing, I’d imagine.
Raven & Black Reign v. Rhino & Abyss
-If I said that they brawled around the building and hit each other with plunder, would you believe me?
-Raven DDTs Abyss into tacks. Why does he feel the need to take so many facefirst bumps into the tacks? It’s all fun and games until someone puts an eye out.
-Would you continue to believe me if I told you that the partners ended up brawling? Rhino ends up taking an accidental Black Hole Slam and Dustin gets the win.
-Fatu promo. He did it for the Rock, you know. Also, the People.
LAX & Junior Fatu v. Team 3D & Kurt Angle
-I hope Homicide can pull off a miracle here. I loves me some Hernandez, but I don’t think the Dudz or Angle are going to let him toss them around like the sacks of crap that they are.
-’Cide looks really, really tiny out there. There’s a huge disparity in size in this company. Hey! Maybe that’s why they used to feature these awesome matches….called it the X-Division, or something.
-I write it every time they come out, but this match is every Dudz match from the last five years. Way to change it up, guys!
-Homicide sets Angle up for the Gringo Killa. You have no idea how hard I’d mark out if he hit it. I’m not sure *I* know how hard I’d mark out if he dropped Angle on his melon. No dice, though.
-Hernandez just sailed over the top rope with that plancha. My jaw literally dropped. Again. As it always does. The guy is awe inspiring.
-Homicide gets a visual fall on Angle (ref is distracted). Angle gets the actual fall on Homicide, after an Olympic Slam. Sad.
-This wasn’t good, but it was pretty fun to watch. That actually describes the entire show this week.
-Postmatch, Sting reveals himself as one of the members of the Latino Nation and beats Angle down.
-Bound For Glory hype closes the show. Tenay: “Bound For Glory is that one Pay Per View every year that we build to.” Yeah, it’s nice that you pay attention to at least one of them. Heh.
-Sting: “We’re only going to put the best of the best in the ring.” Wow…half the guys on the show seem to point in a different direction. But what do I know?
Decent-ish show this week. Much better than the first two hour Impact, at any rate. I hope they can grow into the extra hour, because this company has so much potential right now. I think that’s what makes me so hostile towards the current product. It could be so much more and they wouldn’t even have to tweak all that much to get there. Time will tell how that turns out, I guess.
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