Raw In 90 Seconds
Alter Bridge: ON THIS DAY I SEE CLEARLY...
Maria: ...uh...
Edge: Shut up.
Crowd: BOO!
Edge: smirk Next week I gets mine. I traded in short-term pain for long-term gain. That thing between your ears doesn't just keep hats warm, people; it serves a purpose.
Crowd: U SUK!
Edge: Bunch of rednecks can't even spell right. Don't say former.
Maria: Former.
Edge: You stupid cu--
Lita: FUTURE. See, former bad. Future? Good! C'monnnn.
Maria: ...future.
Side of the Milk Carton: Uh-oh, we just lost one.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOOOOO!
Edge: WTFMF?
Crowd: parties like it's 1985
Edge: Uh....WITGDHITSMF?!
Hacksaw: Wellll...
Edge: No.
Hacksaw: ...wellllll....
Big Show: waits
Edge: No. And that goes double for you, Jim.
Hacksaw: ......welllllllllllll....
Edge: Don't make me...
Hacksaw: Sorry.
Edge: All right. Now then,
Hacksaw: WELLLLLLLLLLLLL Lita's a ho she's a big fat ho she's the biggest ho in the whole wide world she's a big ol ho if there ever was a ho she's a ho to all the boys and girls
Edge: 2x4
Lita: slaps Maria
Edge: Hmmm...I feel a ramming speed coming on...
Cena: Nah, son.
Kane: KABOOM, as is my wont.
Masters: making me turn on 24, as is MY wont
Kane: bap
Masters: neckbreaker
Kane: ZOMBIE SITUP.
Masters: Snake Eyes! And now, for the Rest Hold! Gimme!
Kane: Suuuure. bap bap bap BOOT whap
Masters: I don't want it anymore. :(
Kane: Too bad. ascends
Masters: Duh...stay out of Riverdale.
Kane: No. One floor, goiMY EYES!
Masters: Heh. SMRT. Rest hold!
Kane: I counterwrestle!
Masters: Bluh?
Kane: Parts Unknown had a stellar wrestling program.
Masters: Yoink! grabs ropes See, I'm the Mayor of Doucheville, and we have a superior cheating bastard program.
Edge: Guest ref?
Vince: Yeah.
Edge: Lita?
Vince: Lita?
Lita: Me love you long time.
Vince: I've got 4 standards left...and this violates none of them. You two, Cena/Maria. Winner gets ref.
Edge: I'm not happy. But I'm not UNhappy...
Butch: keeps it locked
Trish: rocks the ref outfit to 11
Last Week: Remember? No? Here. What do you mean I'm forcing a chant on the fans? That's crazy talk.
Ashley: uses worst possible Audioslave song for entrance music
Mickie: Wow. Trish in a ref outfit and fresh meat. My life is awesome. Whomp. Bomp.
Little Richard: A LOO BOMP A LOMP BAM BOOM!
Everyone: Where the fuck did Marc Mero come from?
Crowd: making stabbing motions ree ree ree ree ree ree ree ree
Vince, watching backtage, rubbing his hands together: EXcellent.
Ashley: No rana! Punchy punch a punch!
Mickie: I KEEL YOU WHORE! accidentally gets Trish
Ashley: Yoink! rollup I figured since it worked in the last match...
Mickie: WTF, birds?
Spirit Squad: YAY!
Joey Styles: I suddenly miss New Jack.
Mickie: I...my bad.
Trish: It's all right.
Mickie: You just rock like a boulder, is all.
Some Fucking Guy: Hi, Trish.
Mickie, Butch, Everybody: BOO!
Trish: Ta!
Butch: Huh. Well, time to get the shovel...
Mickie: ...dude, if you don't think I'm, like, forty billion steps ahead of you...
Black People Everywhere: Time for 24. Commercial. Fuck. PEACH COBBLER?! WHERE?!
Eugene: Hi, lady!
Shelton: GIT.
Fan: Dane Cook reprasent!
Flair: WHOO!
Everybody: WHOO!
Flair: Mr. Helmsley? What side order would you like to go with your CHOP?
Triple H: points to contract, knee facebuster
Scott Hall: Hey, yo. This'll work, mang.
Triple H: Thanks.
Flair: reverses him out of the ring
Triple H: Someone remind me why I just took advice from a drunk. Commerical break! Ah, the big giant yellow dot in the Pac-Man game that is my life. And now to pummel you about the face, and, most importantly, the face.
Flair: Flops, powers up, chops
Triple H: No. I also strut! Ha! NOW!
Flair: GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT, MOTHERFUCKER!
Mothballs: Aw, now who's gonna play with us?
Triple H: Isn't it past your bedtime, old man? I believe I'll help myself to some Stupid Flakes.
Flair: chop blocks
Shark: swims in the salsa
Some Clerk Who Can Barely Work His Video Store Job Out In Leonardo, New Jersey: We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Flair: ascends
Triple H: Sucker!
Flair: You sure are! blocks, connects
Triple H: WTF?!
Flair: figure-four
Triple H: Ah, hell.
Flair: YOU GO TAP NOW, MOTHERFUCKER!
Triple H: No! Save! HA! God, I love owning everybody.
Flair: Look!
Referee: Uh, okay, but I
Flair: uppercut
Triple H: YEEOUCH! And now you must die. GLASS CEILING DRIVER
Flair: a mortal man, who was hit by a finishing move so deadly if only we could ship Triple H to Afghanistan to bring the terrorists to their knees just by spitting water at them, DIES.
Triple H: Ice. NOW.
Candice: jiggles
Cena: Sup.
Maria: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cena: ...uh...
Maria: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cena: macks
Guys Everywhere: LMFAO
Vince: goes on forever. Yes, AGAIN. plug next week SHADDUP!
Crowd: Lookit, is there gonna be a match or not?
Big Show: I'm getting sleepy.
Vince: Shawn, gone.
Shelton: AIN'T NO STOPPIN' ME NOWWWWWWWWWW...well, except last winter. And fall. And this albatross around the ringside. But besides that? Oh, ain't no stoppin'. Like I got the groove.
Big Show: I'm awake.
Shelton: Ah, hell.
Big Show: Mmm...Stupid Flakes...flakey goodness.
Shelton: The carpe must be diemed--dragon WHIP!
Big Show: Sleepy again.
Shelton: Springboard bulldog!
Big Show: Meh.
Shelton: eep
Big Show: Fee-fi-fo--well, you get the gist of it, it is 2006 after all.
Referee: down
Thea Benjamin: As a fellow fatass I also love Stupid Flakes.
Big Show: Hey, don't bogart the Flakes!
Shelton: Superkick...ish!
Big Show: whap. Stay back, woman. CHOKESLAM
Black People Everywhere: Hey, maybe things'll turn out all right for us after all.
Carlito: español
Todd: ¿Que?
Carlito: Rob Van Dam. Pfft. I'll brush him off so fast Jennifer Ani--Sheryl Crow will get sympathy pains.
Todd: Nice save.
Carlito: Thanks.
RVD: I'm so pissed I'm not even going to do my shtick. 3-KICK COMBO!
Carlito: Ow, ow, and...let me check...the last judge has just handed me the scorecard...yup, OW.
RVD: Well, that mellowed me out a bit. POINTS! TO! SELF! ™ corkscrew legdrop
Carlito: Dodge!
RVD: SPLUT.
Carlito: Ah, everything is now going as planned.
RVD: THUNDER! Na na na na na na na na...
Carlito: No, sir.
RVD: Split-legghhhh!
Carlito: Heh. YOINK! CHEAT!
RVD: Who're you, Ashley? Get a real move.
Carlito: slingshot springboard senton bomb
RVD: It's too late to ask you to NOT get a real move, huh?
Carlito: nods
Everybody: THAT'S...unfuckwithable.
Carlito: LUNGBLOWER! I got this.
RVD: I think that's cute how you think you do when the reality is you don't.
Carlito: It's whacking season.
Ref: Uh, Carlito, maybe you shouldn't be using a chair.
Carlito: What? Just because the possibility of main eventing WrestleMania's on the line if you want to project into the future that far, and I'm facing Rob Van...Da...oh, shi
R: VD(inator)
Carlito: I brought this on myself.
RVD: * * * * *
Edge: Jumps?
C: Nah.
Edge: turns the dick-o-meter up so high he gets offered Republican membership
Cena: Don't be hat--
Edge: throws Cena into the steps
Cena: :(
Edge: Here, baby.
Lita: Usually when I'm tag teaming it's a lot more fun.
Edge: continues bringing the asshole
Bill O'Reilly: Hi.
Keith Olbermann: squashes
Liberals: YOU GOT SERVED! YOU GOT SERVED!
Lita: KNEE.
Maria: eep.
Cena: Guess who's back, back again. You Can't See Me!
Edge: whap Get him, honey!
Lita: gets honey ...uh....see...what had happened...
Cena: And now, to put some stank on it!
Lita: You really want to mess up these jugs?
Edge: RAMMING SPEEEEEEEEED!
Cena: dodges
Lita: Oh, hell.
Edge: SPEAR
Cena: Thanks, bro. Git.
Maria: stares straight ahead
Voice In Her Head: Pinfalls count!
Maria: stares straight ahead
Voice In Her Head: Lita's still legal!
Maria: stares straight ahead
Voice In Her Head: You're in this match!
Electricity: starts crackling
Voice In Her Head: And YOU'RE legal!
Electricity: starts humming
Maria: ...OMG! DIVE!
Referee: 3!
Cena: That one move of yours is awesome.
Maria: Who's, like, next and stuff?
Cena: Oh, the ref. TaDA!
Mick Foley: Hello, everybody!
Everybody: waits
Mick Foley: Right here, in ATLANTA, GEORGIA!
Everybody: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~!
Edge: Nice to see you guys had an awesome backup plan for me. I wonder how my brother's doing in Orlando. Maybe I should call him...
Maria: ...uh...
Edge: Shut up.
Crowd: BOO!
Edge: smirk Next week I gets mine. I traded in short-term pain for long-term gain. That thing between your ears doesn't just keep hats warm, people; it serves a purpose.
Crowd: U SUK!
Edge: Bunch of rednecks can't even spell right. Don't say former.
Maria: Former.
Edge: You stupid cu--
Lita: FUTURE. See, former bad. Future? Good! C'monnnn.
Maria: ...future.
Side of the Milk Carton: Uh-oh, we just lost one.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOOOOO!
Edge: WTFMF?
Crowd: parties like it's 1985
Edge: Uh....WITGDHITSMF?!
Hacksaw: Wellll...
Edge: No.
Hacksaw: ...wellllll....
Big Show: waits
Edge: No. And that goes double for you, Jim.
Hacksaw: ......welllllllllllll....
Edge: Don't make me...
Hacksaw: Sorry.
Edge: All right. Now then,
Hacksaw: WELLLLLLLLLLLLL Lita's a ho she's a big fat ho she's the biggest ho in the whole wide world she's a big ol ho if there ever was a ho she's a ho to all the boys and girls
Edge: 2x4
Lita: slaps Maria
Edge: Hmmm...I feel a ramming speed coming on...
Cena: Nah, son.
Kane: KABOOM, as is my wont.
Masters: making me turn on 24, as is MY wont
Kane: bap
Masters: neckbreaker
Kane: ZOMBIE SITUP.
Masters: Snake Eyes! And now, for the Rest Hold! Gimme!
Kane: Suuuure. bap bap bap BOOT whap
Masters: I don't want it anymore. :(
Kane: Too bad. ascends
Masters: Duh...stay out of Riverdale.
Kane: No. One floor, goiMY EYES!
Masters: Heh. SMRT. Rest hold!
Kane: I counterwrestle!
Masters: Bluh?
Kane: Parts Unknown had a stellar wrestling program.
Masters: Yoink! grabs ropes See, I'm the Mayor of Doucheville, and we have a superior cheating bastard program.
Edge: Guest ref?
Vince: Yeah.
Edge: Lita?
Vince: Lita?
Lita: Me love you long time.
Vince: I've got 4 standards left...and this violates none of them. You two, Cena/Maria. Winner gets ref.
Edge: I'm not happy. But I'm not UNhappy...
Butch: keeps it locked
Trish: rocks the ref outfit to 11
Last Week: Remember? No? Here. What do you mean I'm forcing a chant on the fans? That's crazy talk.
Ashley: uses worst possible Audioslave song for entrance music
Mickie: Wow. Trish in a ref outfit and fresh meat. My life is awesome. Whomp. Bomp.
Little Richard: A LOO BOMP A LOMP BAM BOOM!
Everyone: Where the fuck did Marc Mero come from?
Crowd: making stabbing motions ree ree ree ree ree ree ree ree
Vince, watching backtage, rubbing his hands together: EXcellent.
Ashley: No rana! Punchy punch a punch!
Mickie: I KEEL YOU WHORE! accidentally gets Trish
Ashley: Yoink! rollup I figured since it worked in the last match...
Mickie: WTF, birds?
Spirit Squad: YAY!
Joey Styles: I suddenly miss New Jack.
Mickie: I...my bad.
Trish: It's all right.
Mickie: You just rock like a boulder, is all.
Some Fucking Guy: Hi, Trish.
Mickie, Butch, Everybody: BOO!
Trish: Ta!
Butch: Huh. Well, time to get the shovel...
Mickie: ...dude, if you don't think I'm, like, forty billion steps ahead of you...
Black People Everywhere: Time for 24. Commercial. Fuck. PEACH COBBLER?! WHERE?!
Eugene: Hi, lady!
Shelton: GIT.
Fan: Dane Cook reprasent!
Flair: WHOO!
Everybody: WHOO!
Flair: Mr. Helmsley? What side order would you like to go with your CHOP?
Triple H: points to contract, knee facebuster
Scott Hall: Hey, yo. This'll work, mang.
Triple H: Thanks.
Flair: reverses him out of the ring
Triple H: Someone remind me why I just took advice from a drunk. Commerical break! Ah, the big giant yellow dot in the Pac-Man game that is my life. And now to pummel you about the face, and, most importantly, the face.
Flair: Flops, powers up, chops
Triple H: No. I also strut! Ha! NOW!
Flair: GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT, MOTHERFUCKER!
Mothballs: Aw, now who's gonna play with us?
Triple H: Isn't it past your bedtime, old man? I believe I'll help myself to some Stupid Flakes.
Flair: chop blocks
Shark: swims in the salsa
Some Clerk Who Can Barely Work His Video Store Job Out In Leonardo, New Jersey: We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Flair: ascends
Triple H: Sucker!
Flair: You sure are! blocks, connects
Triple H: WTF?!
Flair: figure-four
Triple H: Ah, hell.
Flair: YOU GO TAP NOW, MOTHERFUCKER!
Triple H: No! Save! HA! God, I love owning everybody.
Flair: Look!
Referee: Uh, okay, but I
Flair: uppercut
Triple H: YEEOUCH! And now you must die. GLASS CEILING DRIVER
Flair: a mortal man, who was hit by a finishing move so deadly if only we could ship Triple H to Afghanistan to bring the terrorists to their knees just by spitting water at them, DIES.
Triple H: Ice. NOW.
Candice: jiggles
Cena: Sup.
Maria: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cena: ...uh...
Maria: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cena: macks
Guys Everywhere: LMFAO
Vince: goes on forever. Yes, AGAIN. plug next week SHADDUP!
Crowd: Lookit, is there gonna be a match or not?
Big Show: I'm getting sleepy.
Vince: Shawn, gone.
Shelton: AIN'T NO STOPPIN' ME NOWWWWWWWWWW...well, except last winter. And fall. And this albatross around the ringside. But besides that? Oh, ain't no stoppin'. Like I got the groove.
Big Show: I'm awake.
Shelton: Ah, hell.
Big Show: Mmm...Stupid Flakes...flakey goodness.
Shelton: The carpe must be diemed--dragon WHIP!
Big Show: Sleepy again.
Shelton: Springboard bulldog!
Big Show: Meh.
Shelton: eep
Big Show: Fee-fi-fo--well, you get the gist of it, it is 2006 after all.
Referee: down
Thea Benjamin: As a fellow fatass I also love Stupid Flakes.
Big Show: Hey, don't bogart the Flakes!
Shelton: Superkick...ish!
Big Show: whap. Stay back, woman. CHOKESLAM
Black People Everywhere: Hey, maybe things'll turn out all right for us after all.
Carlito: español
Todd: ¿Que?
Carlito: Rob Van Dam. Pfft. I'll brush him off so fast Jennifer Ani--Sheryl Crow will get sympathy pains.
Todd: Nice save.
Carlito: Thanks.
RVD: I'm so pissed I'm not even going to do my shtick. 3-KICK COMBO!
Carlito: Ow, ow, and...let me check...the last judge has just handed me the scorecard...yup, OW.
RVD: Well, that mellowed me out a bit. POINTS! TO! SELF! ™ corkscrew legdrop
Carlito: Dodge!
RVD: SPLUT.
Carlito: Ah, everything is now going as planned.
RVD: THUNDER! Na na na na na na na na...
Carlito: No, sir.
RVD: Split-legghhhh!
Carlito: Heh. YOINK! CHEAT!
RVD: Who're you, Ashley? Get a real move.
Carlito: slingshot springboard senton bomb
RVD: It's too late to ask you to NOT get a real move, huh?
Carlito: nods
Everybody: THAT'S...unfuckwithable.
Carlito: LUNGBLOWER! I got this.
RVD: I think that's cute how you think you do when the reality is you don't.
Carlito: It's whacking season.
Ref: Uh, Carlito, maybe you shouldn't be using a chair.
Carlito: What? Just because the possibility of main eventing WrestleMania's on the line if you want to project into the future that far, and I'm facing Rob Van...Da...oh, shi
R: VD(inator)
Carlito: I brought this on myself.
RVD: * * * * *
Edge: Jumps?
C: Nah.
Edge: turns the dick-o-meter up so high he gets offered Republican membership
Cena: Don't be hat--
Edge: throws Cena into the steps
Cena: :(
Edge: Here, baby.
Lita: Usually when I'm tag teaming it's a lot more fun.
Edge: continues bringing the asshole
Bill O'Reilly: Hi.
Keith Olbermann: squashes
Liberals: YOU GOT SERVED! YOU GOT SERVED!
Lita: KNEE.
Maria: eep.
Cena: Guess who's back, back again. You Can't See Me!
Edge: whap Get him, honey!
Lita: gets honey ...uh....see...what had happened...
Cena: And now, to put some stank on it!
Lita: You really want to mess up these jugs?
Edge: RAMMING SPEEEEEEEEED!
Cena: dodges
Lita: Oh, hell.
Edge: SPEAR
Cena: Thanks, bro. Git.
Maria: stares straight ahead
Voice In Her Head: Pinfalls count!
Maria: stares straight ahead
Voice In Her Head: Lita's still legal!
Maria: stares straight ahead
Voice In Her Head: You're in this match!
Electricity: starts crackling
Voice In Her Head: And YOU'RE legal!
Electricity: starts humming
Maria: ...OMG! DIVE!
Referee: 3!
Cena: That one move of yours is awesome.
Maria: Who's, like, next and stuff?
Cena: Oh, the ref. TaDA!
Mick Foley: Hello, everybody!
Everybody: waits
Mick Foley: Right here, in ATLANTA, GEORGIA!
Everybody: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~!
Edge: Nice to see you guys had an awesome backup plan for me. I wonder how my brother's doing in Orlando. Maybe I should call him...
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