ECW on Sci-Fi (7.17.07)
-The announcers open the show with some breaking news. Apparently, Johnny Nitro has called a press conference for later tonight. We get a shot of his dressing room, which is swarming with press, curious about this life altering news! Some dude (who probably had a name, though they didn't care to share it with us) walks out and tells us that tonight will be the last time we ever see Johnny Nitro in ECW. Oh! All of our questions will be answered soon enough. Thank god, as the stress is just killing me.
CM Punk v. Elijah Burke -
Rumor has it that the main event was supposed to be Punk versus Cor Van, but that MCV didn't show up for some reason. We'll have to wait and see how that plays out. I hope he's not leaving. I doubly hope he's not going back to TNA. He had more charisma as Monty Brown, but the matches were the shits. I'll also point out that ECW needs to add a name or six, as this match is bordering on being done to death, but really…who else do they have to throw out there. ECW barely has a roster to speak of, so losing Cor Van would be rough. So I repeat, for the million and third time. VAL VENIS + ECW = AWESOME! Good god, make it happen!
Burke gets up in Punk's grill and talks shit. Punk is mildly amused. Burke ends up backing down. He should have punched him right in the face instead. Entertainment! As it were, no one can come up with an early advantage. Punk goes to work out of a knucklelock and focuses on Burke's arm. He lays in a kick to the shoulder, hammerlocks him and drives him into the corner. Cover gets two. He slams Burke, then drops a leg for another quick nearfall. Burke backs him into the corner and takes over with a kick to the gut.
He takes Punk down with a snapmare and drops an elbow. He covers, but Punk is out at two. Suplex attempt by Burke. Punk blocks and reverses into one of his own. Cover gets two. He goes back to working on the arm. He whips Burke into the corner, but runs into a boot. Burke flips backwards over the top, hooking Punk's arms with his legs. Both of them end up spilling to the floor.
-Commercials
Back from the break, Burke is in control. He has Punk locked in a half crab. He drops some elbows to the back and picks up a two count. Full Boston crab this time, but Punk reaches the ropes. He kicks Burke away and comes back with a series of strikes. He bounces off the rope for that move that everyone is going for when they're unfortunately cut off…in this case by a gut shot. Burke snapmares him and connects with a diving forearm to the back. Backbreaker gets two.
He plants Punk with a vertical suplex then rolls to his feet, slamming him. Punk comes back with strikes and dumps him to the mat with a flapjack. He goes for a suplex, but Burke slips away and scores with a Saito suplex of his own. Cover gets two. He goes for a clothesline, but Punk blocks it and DDTs him for two. Burke comes back with a German suplex, but can only get two. He starts pounding on Punk, looking for the clothesline. Punk catches it, hoists him up and hits the GTS for the win.
We've seen better between these two. Punk seemed a bit strike happy tonight and neither guy really seemed to be all that into it. Didn't help that the crowd was practically comatose.
-Big Daddy V is up next! Put the women and children to bed, as this won't be pretty.
-Commercials
-They run a video package for the Cena/Lashley match at the Bash. We get comments from Steve Austin, Batista, Ric Flair, Mick Foley and JBL.
-They follow this with clips from Raw. Lashley would be better served if he showed *any* emotion at all. Seriously…blink your friggin' eyes at least. He doesn't look intense. He looks disinterested.
-Matt Striker is out. He shows us the clips of Big Daddy V's debut last week.
Big Daddy V v. Tim Storm -
Vis lays in some headbutts. He's jiggling' more than Abdullah the Butcher. Seriously. It's almost captivating in a sick sort of way. Big splash in the corner. Samoan Drop. He finishes with a swinging sidewalk slam (or we could just call it a Black Hole Slam, if we want to be realistic). Mabel by any other name still sucks.
-Tonight, Dreamer faces Kevin Thorn. Also, that press conference dealie. I can't contain my excitement!
-Commercials
-Miz is in the ring. He talks about how all women want him. He brings out Extreme Expose, who apparently have a surprise for him. They give him a lap dance. Lots of the rubbing of their girl parts on Miz's (presumably) boy parts. Song was "Like A Man" by Ciara, for those who keep track of such things.
-Boy, this show is the shits so far. If they don't care, why should I?
-Clips of the Extreme Rules match between Dreamer/Nitro from last week. Looked like a fun brawl. I'm sorry I missed it.
-Dreamer gets his intro. Ooh…that's never a good sign.
-Commercials
Tommy Dreamer v. Kevin Thorn -
This is exactly what you'd expect it to be. They brawled for a bit. Thorn worked over Dreamer's injured arm. Dreamer hits a bunch of neckbreakers. He blocks the Original Sin. He even connects with his fat guy frogsplash that, somewhere, made RVD giggle. Thorn eventually posts him shoulder first and gets the win. Postmatch, Thorn spikes him with an Original Sin.
I should watch this show in fast forward every week.
-Nitro is next. Or not, since we've been told that we'll never see him in ECW again. I smell tomfoolery!
-Commercials
-The nameless dude tells us that Nitro has changed his name. He comes out and tells us that his name is John Morrison. Because he kinda sorta looks a little bit like Jim Morrison, you see. If you squint your eyes. Really hard. And actually look at a picture of Jim Morrison instead. He runs down his various accomplishments in life (he was running at eight months old and skipped the first grade. He was even voted class president and he DIDN'T EVEN RUN!). He ponders the meaning of CM in Punk's name. Chick Master? Chases Men? Cookie Monster? Common Man? Completely Miserable? That last one is how this show is making me feel. Punk comes out. They decide not to let him talk because they're a bunch of boneheaded retards. Morrison blasts him with the mic and plants him with the corkscrew neckbreaker to put this show out of it's misery.
If that was supposed to hype the PPV…it failed.
CM Punk v. Elijah Burke -
Rumor has it that the main event was supposed to be Punk versus Cor Van, but that MCV didn't show up for some reason. We'll have to wait and see how that plays out. I hope he's not leaving. I doubly hope he's not going back to TNA. He had more charisma as Monty Brown, but the matches were the shits. I'll also point out that ECW needs to add a name or six, as this match is bordering on being done to death, but really…who else do they have to throw out there. ECW barely has a roster to speak of, so losing Cor Van would be rough. So I repeat, for the million and third time. VAL VENIS + ECW = AWESOME! Good god, make it happen!
Burke gets up in Punk's grill and talks shit. Punk is mildly amused. Burke ends up backing down. He should have punched him right in the face instead. Entertainment! As it were, no one can come up with an early advantage. Punk goes to work out of a knucklelock and focuses on Burke's arm. He lays in a kick to the shoulder, hammerlocks him and drives him into the corner. Cover gets two. He slams Burke, then drops a leg for another quick nearfall. Burke backs him into the corner and takes over with a kick to the gut.
He takes Punk down with a snapmare and drops an elbow. He covers, but Punk is out at two. Suplex attempt by Burke. Punk blocks and reverses into one of his own. Cover gets two. He goes back to working on the arm. He whips Burke into the corner, but runs into a boot. Burke flips backwards over the top, hooking Punk's arms with his legs. Both of them end up spilling to the floor.
-Commercials
Back from the break, Burke is in control. He has Punk locked in a half crab. He drops some elbows to the back and picks up a two count. Full Boston crab this time, but Punk reaches the ropes. He kicks Burke away and comes back with a series of strikes. He bounces off the rope for that move that everyone is going for when they're unfortunately cut off…in this case by a gut shot. Burke snapmares him and connects with a diving forearm to the back. Backbreaker gets two.
He plants Punk with a vertical suplex then rolls to his feet, slamming him. Punk comes back with strikes and dumps him to the mat with a flapjack. He goes for a suplex, but Burke slips away and scores with a Saito suplex of his own. Cover gets two. He goes for a clothesline, but Punk blocks it and DDTs him for two. Burke comes back with a German suplex, but can only get two. He starts pounding on Punk, looking for the clothesline. Punk catches it, hoists him up and hits the GTS for the win.
We've seen better between these two. Punk seemed a bit strike happy tonight and neither guy really seemed to be all that into it. Didn't help that the crowd was practically comatose.
-Big Daddy V is up next! Put the women and children to bed, as this won't be pretty.
-Commercials
-They run a video package for the Cena/Lashley match at the Bash. We get comments from Steve Austin, Batista, Ric Flair, Mick Foley and JBL.
-They follow this with clips from Raw. Lashley would be better served if he showed *any* emotion at all. Seriously…blink your friggin' eyes at least. He doesn't look intense. He looks disinterested.
-Matt Striker is out. He shows us the clips of Big Daddy V's debut last week.
Big Daddy V v. Tim Storm -
Vis lays in some headbutts. He's jiggling' more than Abdullah the Butcher. Seriously. It's almost captivating in a sick sort of way. Big splash in the corner. Samoan Drop. He finishes with a swinging sidewalk slam (or we could just call it a Black Hole Slam, if we want to be realistic). Mabel by any other name still sucks.
-Tonight, Dreamer faces Kevin Thorn. Also, that press conference dealie. I can't contain my excitement!
-Commercials
-Miz is in the ring. He talks about how all women want him. He brings out Extreme Expose, who apparently have a surprise for him. They give him a lap dance. Lots of the rubbing of their girl parts on Miz's (presumably) boy parts. Song was "Like A Man" by Ciara, for those who keep track of such things.
-Boy, this show is the shits so far. If they don't care, why should I?
-Clips of the Extreme Rules match between Dreamer/Nitro from last week. Looked like a fun brawl. I'm sorry I missed it.
-Dreamer gets his intro. Ooh…that's never a good sign.
-Commercials
Tommy Dreamer v. Kevin Thorn -
This is exactly what you'd expect it to be. They brawled for a bit. Thorn worked over Dreamer's injured arm. Dreamer hits a bunch of neckbreakers. He blocks the Original Sin. He even connects with his fat guy frogsplash that, somewhere, made RVD giggle. Thorn eventually posts him shoulder first and gets the win. Postmatch, Thorn spikes him with an Original Sin.
I should watch this show in fast forward every week.
-Nitro is next. Or not, since we've been told that we'll never see him in ECW again. I smell tomfoolery!
-Commercials
-The nameless dude tells us that Nitro has changed his name. He comes out and tells us that his name is John Morrison. Because he kinda sorta looks a little bit like Jim Morrison, you see. If you squint your eyes. Really hard. And actually look at a picture of Jim Morrison instead. He runs down his various accomplishments in life (he was running at eight months old and skipped the first grade. He was even voted class president and he DIDN'T EVEN RUN!). He ponders the meaning of CM in Punk's name. Chick Master? Chases Men? Cookie Monster? Common Man? Completely Miserable? That last one is how this show is making me feel. Punk comes out. They decide not to let him talk because they're a bunch of boneheaded retards. Morrison blasts him with the mic and plants him with the corkscrew neckbreaker to put this show out of it's misery.
If that was supposed to hype the PPV…it failed.
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