Heart Punch

So, let's pretend it's 2001. The entire Alliance angle has already imploded, but as one of the WWF developmental territories, you're given an influx of former WCW talent and told to run with it. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO? Well, if you're Les Thatcher and you're running Heartland Wrestling, you push the invaders as super heels who actually have the upper hand on the home grown talent . CRAZY! I'm in the mood to watch some of the young guys from the dying days of WCW, but I have little of that era on tape. So, this'll do. Let's watch! -We open with an interview with "Above Average" Mike Sanders, backed by the WCW crew (Mark Jindrak, Johnny the Bull and Reno). He establishes the invasion angle nicely, saying that Shane McMahon personally asked him to put together a crew and take over HWA. It's a grass roots thing, as they plan on cutting off all of the young talent before they can even make it to the WWF. He promises us that we'll see...

AGAINST: This is no way to start a show. FOR: At least the smoke obscures the view. FOR: The reactions of the guys watching in the back. FOR: Cole: "I've never felt sorry for Nunzio until now." FOR: Melina in red. AGAINST: Damn you, David Batista! Damn your filthy hide! FOR: Super Crazy skinning the cat. FOR: Crazy's leg roll. FOR: Cole: "I don't think Melina had a headache tonight." FOR: Ah, I've seen that look so many times before... AGAINST: ...I wake up. :( FOR: Reader's choice here: AGAINST: Damn, Dave. Finished already? I'd still be there. OR FOR: Play on, playa. FOR: "I'm gonna kill those guys! See ya out there." AGAINST: Aren't you not supposed to do that before a big athletic performance? FOR: Melina's on tilt. Waving off the paparazzi; no special ring entrance; she's pissed. FOR: "What do you mean, you don't know what happened?" FOR: MNM strategically hiding Melina behind ...

That sound guy bit was hilarious, and got the crowd fully behind Vince. "Just ribbing--it's not going to be one of you." What's T.O. doing these days? You want to see somebody get heat...oh, this'll work. "Chops are being served tonight in Boston!" Didn't get the rotation on the Angle Slam, though. I'd love it if Joey said "shark smelling blood" right now. Nice gimp, Kurt. Well, the song is called Medal...we'll probably have Flair/Edge at either Revolution or the Rumble. My GOD, when Kurt rocks the mic he rocks the mic right. Everybody: I'm John Cena, bitch! Good Lord, did he just admit the split reaction he gets AND make a good point?! Bluh? You know when I would've liked to see this out of Shelton? It's a five way tie between July, August, September...not the Fro, man! DAMN, Joey rules. Lungblower! Bret backbreaker there. Nice "Shelton = Ratings" sign--you'd think some guy would've us...

FOR: JBL's exaggerated eye tape job. FOR: "Thank you for your support." FOR: Jillian's skirt. FOR: Rey poking JBL in the 'injured' eye. FOR: Oh. So does Orlando still work for JBL? AGAINST: Orlando's hair. AGAINST: Jillian's overacting. FOR: Orton dispensing with the preening and posing. AGAINST: Now he just sounds desperate. FOR: Melina in yellow. AGAINST: "Super Crazy" is TWO WORDS, people. FOR: Cole's "wild boar" line. FOR: "At least I can read a sponsorship billboard." FOR: Kid Kash? Attacking Juvy? AGAINST: Kennedy for the Boogeyman? That's a definite downgrade. FOR: "Tazz, you've been in this business for centuries..." Cole~~~~~~ AGAINST: UNNECESSARY ZOOM FOR: At least the matches are short. Really short. AGAINST: We didn't need a replay of that. FOR: Sharmell laughing after Booker kicked Benoit in the back of his head. FOR: Benoit ducking Booker's side kick. FOR...

Start with Masters. Wow, Tomlinson throwback all the way over there. Oh, good, no commentary. People got in with Jericho AND Christian shirts? 3 years. See, Matt, I remembered. I actually agree with Coach on the last po...well, why can't HE be GM? I dimly remember that happening, heh. Shane is what we in the hood call conspicuous by his absence. Here come the Divison Killers. That nickname was sarcastic! TRIPLE chokeslam? That's just crazy. Awesome! No wrestling for Masters! This just in: Trish is HOT. Thank you, Candice. That actually was nice rotation. Hooray for Joey. Isn't that a pin? Mickierana! 3 Hit Combo! Do I dare say "shades of Ultimo Dragon" about a WWE broadcast? OK, Chioda had to see that after the fact. Tajiri's still employed! WAS still employed! Wh..is...is that Shelton Benjamin? Am I hallucinating? Hold up, there's a delivery guy here. Sign for this heel turn? I guess. Did...Chavo? When did Heat get two hours? Joe...

FOR: The police tape. AGAINST: Cole's outrage. How does what Orton did turn the locker room against him? That's a hell of a leap to make with nowhere to land. FOR: "Do you disagree with me?" AGAINST: A tag team battle royal? Ugh. These usually suck. FOR: Melina's wardrobe modifications. FOR: She's gonna do the entrance on the commentary table? FOR: Cole and Tazz being flustered. "How am I supposed to call the match with Melina sitting in front of me?" AGAINST: The Dicks? Are you kidding me? AGAINST: Never go to the top rope in a battle royal. FOR: Psicosis' reversal elimination. FOR: Ooh, MNM/Mexicools. I'm down. FOR: JBL acknowledging that he doesn't like Rey. FOR: Benoit/Regal. These are usually good. AGAINST: Booker's no Gordon Solie. FOR: Regal's knee into Benoit's temple against the ringpost. FOR: Booker getting worried as the tide turns. FOR: Benoit chopping Regal across the face. Ouch. FOR: Ev...

Heh. How is that for a snappy title? At any rate, I'm currently deriving zero pleasure from the TNA television product (the PPVs, on the other hand, typically rock your world). Weak booking + the ludicrously short matches have pretty much killed the show for me. I love Samoa Joe more than most, but I have little interest in recapping his three minute squashes. Or anyone elses, for that matter. As such, I'm killing my iMPACT! recap. I don't want to turn into one of those SKeith types, who sit back and trash the show weekly in lieu of pointing out *anything* positive. That's not why I write and definitely not why I watch. I'll probably continue to recap the two hour specials, if they're as good as the first. In the interim, though, I'm not sure what I'll be doing. Old ECW stuff? Indy? Old WWE DVDs? Some laughably uninformed puro recaps? The world is my oyster, or some such shit. I do have the Eddy tribute stuff that I want to work on. Had the grand idea of...

AGAINST: Tape delays. FOR: At least the Flyers had the decency to win. FOR: Benoit going on the attack first. FOR: Sharmell: "We need some help!" FOR: Benoit going for the tope and missing AGAIN. FOR: Tazz pointing out Benoit's use of the belly-to-belly suplex, a deviation from his normal method. AGAINST: No, Chris, not that corner. FOR: Huh. Sharmell didn't knock him off this time. FOR: Benoit's "dead weight" selling. FOR: This Rey/Show video package. AGAINST: Show's annoyance. "Why am I here?" FOR: Rey using Eddie's entrance. FOR: Not that it's difficult in this case, but Show's playing the heel role very well here. AGAINST: The ref bump. AGAINST: KANE?!?!? FOR: The look on Kane's face when he sees Taker. FOR: Kane bailing the fuck out. AGAINST: This is the longest ref bump ever. AGAINST: All right, this is officially a clusterfuck. AGAINST: A crowbar? That's the best you can do, Randy? FOR: All ...

Here is your LOOOOOOOOOOSER ...there's my n-word. Vince against firings? Did I take a right at Alburquerque or something? Goal: eat slice of cake. Goal: put on a match. Goal: kiss Trish. It's plenty easy. What about Shane? Wouldn't mind that so much. DAMN, I'M GOOD! You like that, huh? Can you feel it!? HUH!? VINCE DANCING~! Slap AND apple. AND the shirt choke! Das cool. Lungblower! That could be a finisher if he ever needed one. Nice spot since heels don't usually follow up skinning the cat--­¡PLANCHA! Cool brawl in the corner. They must be force-feeding "true grit" to Joey in the earpeace. That was the worst looking Savage elbow I've ever seen Shawn do; nice sell. CDT! Aww. Liked the ending, just not who went over. Vengeance was months ago, Kurt. Oh, right. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSER! I like Bisch getting both of his problems together to minimize them. Oh, 150 seconds to the Cena run-in. Camel clutch! Meet the new scapegoat...Sha...

-Clips from last week's two hour special. -Monty Brown comes out. Blabbity, blabbity, gimme a title shot. Blabbity, blabbity, Pounce. Period. Jim Mitchell leads Abyss to the ring. They think he deserves a title shot more than Brown. Jeff Hardy is out. He growls into the camera. Okay then. Everyone brawls, until security steps in. -Commercials. We're back to the original Morphoplex spot. Gah. Dragon Quest 8 commercial. Gotta have it. I've played through the demo and it seems like it'll be fun. And challenging, which is my big knock against most new RPGs. They're just way too easy. At any rate, I haven't played a DQ game since the original. Crazy. X-Box 360? I'd never buy it for myself, but if anyone out there in Heart Punch land wants to buy me one, feel free! -Clips of the 6-man X-Division tag from last week. It's apparently leading to an "Elimination X" match at Genesis. Because big elimination tag matches done in November is innovative. It...

You know, my typical excuse for not bothering to do my recaps is my utter and complete laziness. I certainly wish that were the case this time. I've had two recaps sitting here for a week, just waiting to be typed up. No interest in doing anything wrestling related in the wake of Eddy's death, though. But, as the saying goes, the show must go on. I am planning on a series of recaps based on my favorite Eddy matches, because spreading the Eddy love (though most everyone who reads this already digs them some Eddy) can never be a bad thing. I have a 4 or 5 tape comp of pretty much everything he did in WWF/E from his debut all the way up until the Smackdown 6 days. Picked it up off of ebay a year or so ago on a lark. At this point, I'm really glad I did. Lots of really fun stuff to be found. This, I'm coming to realize, is the beauty of Eddy Guerrero as a worker. Stick him with *any* opponent, even guys who he should be stinking up the ring with, and you'll still end up...

The sudden death of popular WWE wrestler Eddie Guerrero left the world of wrestling in shock. No people more than the "smarks", the Internet fans like us for whom names like Guerrero and Benoit are measuring sticks for everything we love about Our Great Sport(tm Tony Schaivone.). Heart Punch writers have come together for the site's first collective effort, sharing a few KB of thoughts on the one man who could lie, cheat, and steal...and be a huge babyface doing it. ----- Shane Osman Life is eternal; and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. - R.W. Raymond What it is it that makes a man worthy of the mantle of "hero?" Is it simply an extension of fame? That he has been blessed with so much talent he basically transcends his chosen profession, turning it into an art form? Is it the fact that the same man, apparently at the top of the world, is all too human, willingly walking down the wrong path only ...

We here at Heart Punch wish to send our most sincere condolences to the family of Eddie Guerrero. Eddie was found dead in his hotel room in Minneapolis this morning. I, truly, have no words right now. For myself, and most of us here at Heart Punch, "Eddie Guerrero is my favorite wrestler" wasn't just something that appeared on a t-shirt a few years ago. There will be more on this as we let it sink in.

So, the first two hour TNA special has come and gone. Rating was a 0.9, which has to be considered a bit of a disappointment. The good news is that the show largely rocked. Let's get to it... -Show opens with a video package highlighting the evolution from the "old guard" of the company (showing clips of guys like Hogan, Sting & Savage) to the current TNA stars. Really well done. Even though it's also one of my complaints of the company, since they run the same packages over and over and over again, I have to say that overall they're doing a great job with these videos. Jeff Hardy, Lance Hoyt & Sabu v. The Diamonds in the Rough (Simon Diamond, Elix Skipper & David Young) - Matching gear for the Diamonds? Fuck yeah! When you can get an entire stable in matching gear, you've got my attention. I'm so easy to please these days. Diamond charges at the bell...directly into a goozle from Hoyt. He breaks free, but ends up taking a sideslam. Hoyt lines ...

FOR: THAT'S how you open a show. AGAINST: How is their music playing outside? AGAINST: Christian shouldn't still be in the credits, right? FOR: Oh. FOR: Christian isn't looking or acting like a guy who just quit. FOR: Cole and Tazz getting the brand rivalry over. FOR: Tazz "[Styles] owes me $150, but that's another story..." FOR: The super fallaway slam. FOR: Rey's counter to the second one. WOW: Now that's jobbing somebody out. FOR: Bischoff's here? Tonight? FOR: They're so proud of themselves. FOR: Booker T., Master Thespian. AGAINST: Booker and Sharmell's mock dancing. AGAINST: Why is Booker getting in the ref's face? There's nothing he can do about it. FOR: This match is picking up. FOR: Booker can't get out of there fast enough. FOR: Benoit's pissed. "BE A MAN!" AGAINST: Cole gets glory? FOR: Tazz: "No reaction. Okay." FOR: The shot of the belt around Bob's hand. AGAINST: ...

-We open the show with brief clips from Bound for Glory. The Jeff Hardy dive looked particularly nutty and I say that without even seeing how it landed, since those TNA sumbitches don't show us the money shot. Also, yay Rhino! It's nice of him to crush Jarrett like a gnat. I'm betting he won't stay crushed for long, though. Abyss (w/Jim Mitchell) v. Lance Hoyt - Watching the Forever Hardcore documentary has given me a new view on Mitchell. He seems like a really cool, if not decidedly intoxicated, guy. Also very smart, as he talks about he and Sandman's nights of debauchery...playing trivia? ECW, ECW! Oh shit, I'm taking a lawsuit for that. Anyway, a match is about to happen. A Lance Hoyt match, no less! Pay attention! Abyss charges at the bell, looking for a clothesline. Hoyt ducks it and starts laying in punches. Abyss reverses his whip and ends up selling a kick that missed by several miles. He comes back with a clothesline, but misses a legdrop. I dig Abyss ...