ECW on Sci-Fi (6.13.06)
And...it's here. ECW returns. God help us all.
-One Night Stand 2 video package segues into clips from Raw. John Cena beats some ECW ass and promises that he'll be in the house tonight.
-Opening montage, set to "Bodies" by Drowning Pool.
-Joey Styles and Tazz host.
-Heyman is headed to the ring. He brings out your NEW ECW champion, Rob Van Dam. RVD hopes that Cena is there to help celebrate his victory. Heyman presents him with a new ECW title belt. RVD is appreciative, but says that he's planning to keep the World Title belt as well. "Look at this one...it spins!" Edge and Lita come out. He thanks Heyman for the invite and congratulates Van Dam.
They have much in common, he says. Both won Money in the Bank. Both successful in cashing in their title shots. Both managed to break through the glass ceiling thanks to their ability. He's honored to face Van Dam at Vengeance. We have ourselves a handshake. Edge starts to leave, then turns and spears Van Dam. He and Lita bail.
They leave through the crowd, but hey! It's John Cena. They brawl. RVD then brawls with Cena, seemingly for the right to brawl with Edge. There's enough to go around, I'm sure. Edge low blows RVD and leaves. Cena is up to give chase. He punches Heyman in the face before doing so, though. The ECW crew runs out to help their fallen leader.
-Commercials
-Backstage, Heyman says that if they want to bring Raw to ECW, he'll just have to take ECW to Raw. This coming week, to be exact. I'm already sick of the interpromotional stuff. I understand it...but that doesn't mean I need to like it.
Some dude named The Zombie comes out. He's dressed in tattered clothing and looks disturbingly like Terry Gordy. Who did appear in ECW, by the way. There's an angle there that's better left unmentioned. He wants the mic. He proceeds to groan loudly. Crowd shits all over this. Tazz: "That's riveting, right there." Indeed. Cue some music that's not "Enter Sandman!" It's the Sandman! As if the Metallica reference wasn't giving it away!
The Zombie v. Sandman -
Cane shot by Sandman. Then about 10 more. There's dust flying off the zombie. That's commitment to a gimmick. Tremendous! White Russian legsweep. Pin. Sandman then canes Mr. Zombie to the back. He sells way too much for a dead guy.
I sincerely hope that this is Heyman poking fun at the Sci-Fi slot.
-There's a shot of a chick (OVW's Barbie Blank, I guess). She tells us that her name is Kelly and that she's an exhibitionist. She's gettin' nekkid later. This is disturbing, as she's either not comfortable in front of a camera, or perhaps she's just slightly retarded.
-Commercials
They replay the entire Tazz/Lawler match from ONS 2. It's goes a little something like this:
Tazz v. Jerry Lawler -
Tazz comes out. I mark out. Lawler is out. Looks like he has a new crown. He slaps Styles. Lawler climbs into the ring. Styles jumps on his back. Lawler flips him and sets up for a piledriver. Tazz moves in...katahajime. Lawler is choked out.
Kurt Angle v. Justin Credible -
We get stills from the Angle/Orton match at ONS 2 before the match. Angle takes Justin down with a waistlock. He cranks back on his neck and grinds at his face. Turns it into a rear chinlock. He grabs Justin's nose and it looks like he's trying to rip it off. I might like ECW Angle yet. Justin forces a break by reaching the ropes. He goes for a clothesline, but Angle ducks and dumps him on his head with a German.
He hoists Justin up and just tosses him nonchalantly over the top and to the floor. Wow. Justin rolls back in. Angle again hoists him up and pretty much gives him a Karelin Lift. He gets the rear mount and just smacks Justin around for a bit. Justin again reaches the ropes. He pops up, looking pissed and shoves Angle, who then lunges forward and headbutts him right in the face. Oh man. I'm digging Angle as a killing machine. He locks a rear choke and Justin quickly taps.
Nothing to the match, but damn...Angle has chosen the Dark Side and that's not a bad thing at all.
-Angle has a mic. He says that at Vengeance, he'll make Randy Orton tap out. ECW rules, WWE rules...no rules at all. He could care less.
-Heyman is still backstage. He sure is getting a lot of face time tonight. Apparently, all of his plans for tonight's show have been tossed. Explains what we've seen so far, I guess. He's booking an Extreme battle royal tonight. All weapons are legal. This is ECW. That statement is redundant. At any rate, the winner faces John Cena at Vengeance. Also, he gets to attend Raw with Heyman. Like a field trip, if you will!
-Another shot of Kelly backstage. She looks constipated.
-Commercials
-There's a vampire outside of the arena. Tazz and Styles pretty much no sell it. As much as you can no sell a vampire, anyway. I wonder if he was outside because no one had invited him into the building?
-Clips of the RVD/Edge/Cena angle from earlier.
-Kelly dances on the stage. She's rather wooden. Like I'm one to talk. She can't unclasp her own bra, but ends up cupping her breasts in her hands and shows de nada. Some exhibitionist she turned out to be.
Extreme Battle Royal -
Your participants are as follows: Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Danny Doring, Roadkill, Al Snow, Stevie Richards, Little Guido, Big Guido, Tony Mamaluke, Balls Mahoney and Big Show.
FBI are accompanied by former indy/TNA wrestler Trinity, for whatever that's worth. Also, there's eleven guys in a ten man battle royal. THAT'S EXTREME, BITCHES!
Show clears the ring, but everyone goes through the ropes, not over. He manages to give Roadkill a bigass fallaway slam. Spot of the night. Well...if you ignore the dust flying off the zombie, I guess.
-Commercials
People hit each other with cookie sheets. Occasionally, trash can lids. Sometimes even a street sign! Sabu sets up a table a ringside. Everyone pounds on Show with plunder. Al Snow grabs Head. Show tosses him before he can use it. He also tosses Doring. And Stevie. And Roadkill. He gives Balls the Cobra Clutch backbreaker onto a trashcan, then tosses him as well.
Dreamer wails on Show with a street sign. He drops to all fours and calls for Sabu. Air Sabu...is caught. Show dumps him, but Sabu lands on the apron. No elimination. Show presses Dreamer and tosses him through the table at ringside. FBI nut up and face Show. He swats a dropkick from Little Guido and sends Mamaluke into orbit with a flapjack. He then chokeslams Guido onto Mamaluke. Show tosses both.
He faces off with Big Guido. They trade shots, but Show quickly shoves him out of the ring. Guido holds onto his arm, though. Sabu sets up a chair in the ring. Humorously, he quiets the crowd so they won't tip Show off to his presence. He vaults off of the chair and nails Show with a second chair, eliminating him. Sabu is your winner! Big Show = Angry. Sabu celebrates as we fade out.
Um...this was something, I guess. Don't think anyone expected this to be faithful to what ECW, but yeah...this was something. It's only been one week, though, so we'll pretend that it was interesting and move on.
-One Night Stand 2 video package segues into clips from Raw. John Cena beats some ECW ass and promises that he'll be in the house tonight.
-Opening montage, set to "Bodies" by Drowning Pool.
-Joey Styles and Tazz host.
-Heyman is headed to the ring. He brings out your NEW ECW champion, Rob Van Dam. RVD hopes that Cena is there to help celebrate his victory. Heyman presents him with a new ECW title belt. RVD is appreciative, but says that he's planning to keep the World Title belt as well. "Look at this one...it spins!" Edge and Lita come out. He thanks Heyman for the invite and congratulates Van Dam.
They have much in common, he says. Both won Money in the Bank. Both successful in cashing in their title shots. Both managed to break through the glass ceiling thanks to their ability. He's honored to face Van Dam at Vengeance. We have ourselves a handshake. Edge starts to leave, then turns and spears Van Dam. He and Lita bail.
They leave through the crowd, but hey! It's John Cena. They brawl. RVD then brawls with Cena, seemingly for the right to brawl with Edge. There's enough to go around, I'm sure. Edge low blows RVD and leaves. Cena is up to give chase. He punches Heyman in the face before doing so, though. The ECW crew runs out to help their fallen leader.
-Commercials
-Backstage, Heyman says that if they want to bring Raw to ECW, he'll just have to take ECW to Raw. This coming week, to be exact. I'm already sick of the interpromotional stuff. I understand it...but that doesn't mean I need to like it.
Some dude named The Zombie comes out. He's dressed in tattered clothing and looks disturbingly like Terry Gordy. Who did appear in ECW, by the way. There's an angle there that's better left unmentioned. He wants the mic. He proceeds to groan loudly. Crowd shits all over this. Tazz: "That's riveting, right there." Indeed. Cue some music that's not "Enter Sandman!" It's the Sandman! As if the Metallica reference wasn't giving it away!
The Zombie v. Sandman -
Cane shot by Sandman. Then about 10 more. There's dust flying off the zombie. That's commitment to a gimmick. Tremendous! White Russian legsweep. Pin. Sandman then canes Mr. Zombie to the back. He sells way too much for a dead guy.
I sincerely hope that this is Heyman poking fun at the Sci-Fi slot.
-There's a shot of a chick (OVW's Barbie Blank, I guess). She tells us that her name is Kelly and that she's an exhibitionist. She's gettin' nekkid later. This is disturbing, as she's either not comfortable in front of a camera, or perhaps she's just slightly retarded.
-Commercials
They replay the entire Tazz/Lawler match from ONS 2. It's goes a little something like this:
Tazz v. Jerry Lawler -
Tazz comes out. I mark out. Lawler is out. Looks like he has a new crown. He slaps Styles. Lawler climbs into the ring. Styles jumps on his back. Lawler flips him and sets up for a piledriver. Tazz moves in...katahajime. Lawler is choked out.
Kurt Angle v. Justin Credible -
We get stills from the Angle/Orton match at ONS 2 before the match. Angle takes Justin down with a waistlock. He cranks back on his neck and grinds at his face. Turns it into a rear chinlock. He grabs Justin's nose and it looks like he's trying to rip it off. I might like ECW Angle yet. Justin forces a break by reaching the ropes. He goes for a clothesline, but Angle ducks and dumps him on his head with a German.
He hoists Justin up and just tosses him nonchalantly over the top and to the floor. Wow. Justin rolls back in. Angle again hoists him up and pretty much gives him a Karelin Lift. He gets the rear mount and just smacks Justin around for a bit. Justin again reaches the ropes. He pops up, looking pissed and shoves Angle, who then lunges forward and headbutts him right in the face. Oh man. I'm digging Angle as a killing machine. He locks a rear choke and Justin quickly taps.
Nothing to the match, but damn...Angle has chosen the Dark Side and that's not a bad thing at all.
-Angle has a mic. He says that at Vengeance, he'll make Randy Orton tap out. ECW rules, WWE rules...no rules at all. He could care less.
-Heyman is still backstage. He sure is getting a lot of face time tonight. Apparently, all of his plans for tonight's show have been tossed. Explains what we've seen so far, I guess. He's booking an Extreme battle royal tonight. All weapons are legal. This is ECW. That statement is redundant. At any rate, the winner faces John Cena at Vengeance. Also, he gets to attend Raw with Heyman. Like a field trip, if you will!
-Another shot of Kelly backstage. She looks constipated.
-Commercials
-There's a vampire outside of the arena. Tazz and Styles pretty much no sell it. As much as you can no sell a vampire, anyway. I wonder if he was outside because no one had invited him into the building?
-Clips of the RVD/Edge/Cena angle from earlier.
-Kelly dances on the stage. She's rather wooden. Like I'm one to talk. She can't unclasp her own bra, but ends up cupping her breasts in her hands and shows de nada. Some exhibitionist she turned out to be.
Extreme Battle Royal -
Your participants are as follows: Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Danny Doring, Roadkill, Al Snow, Stevie Richards, Little Guido, Big Guido, Tony Mamaluke, Balls Mahoney and Big Show.
FBI are accompanied by former indy/TNA wrestler Trinity, for whatever that's worth. Also, there's eleven guys in a ten man battle royal. THAT'S EXTREME, BITCHES!
Show clears the ring, but everyone goes through the ropes, not over. He manages to give Roadkill a bigass fallaway slam. Spot of the night. Well...if you ignore the dust flying off the zombie, I guess.
-Commercials
People hit each other with cookie sheets. Occasionally, trash can lids. Sometimes even a street sign! Sabu sets up a table a ringside. Everyone pounds on Show with plunder. Al Snow grabs Head. Show tosses him before he can use it. He also tosses Doring. And Stevie. And Roadkill. He gives Balls the Cobra Clutch backbreaker onto a trashcan, then tosses him as well.
Dreamer wails on Show with a street sign. He drops to all fours and calls for Sabu. Air Sabu...is caught. Show dumps him, but Sabu lands on the apron. No elimination. Show presses Dreamer and tosses him through the table at ringside. FBI nut up and face Show. He swats a dropkick from Little Guido and sends Mamaluke into orbit with a flapjack. He then chokeslams Guido onto Mamaluke. Show tosses both.
He faces off with Big Guido. They trade shots, but Show quickly shoves him out of the ring. Guido holds onto his arm, though. Sabu sets up a chair in the ring. Humorously, he quiets the crowd so they won't tip Show off to his presence. He vaults off of the chair and nails Show with a second chair, eliminating him. Sabu is your winner! Big Show = Angry. Sabu celebrates as we fade out.
Um...this was something, I guess. Don't think anyone expected this to be faithful to what ECW, but yeah...this was something. It's only been one week, though, so we'll pretend that it was interesting and move on.
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