WWE v. ECW: Head to Head (6.7.06)
This took longer than expected. Mostly because I was too lazy to finish the last half hour or so. But shhhh...let's pretend that I have ambition.
-Mick Foley opens the show, giving the WWE guys a pep talk. Paul Heyman does the same for the ECW crew. Hey! Stevie Richards is in the house! Dare I say it? TREMENDOUS! Tony Mamaluke and Justin Credible are also there. That gets a YAY! and a meh, respectively. Sabu is sporting some rockin' mutton chops. Apparently, he's buying into the Triple H "goofy facial hair = push" line of thinking. Not that I'm complaining. The man once tried to stab me (true story!), so he can rock whatever facial hair style he chooses. Go Sabu and whatnot.
-Opening montage. I hope this isn't the style of theme that they go for with the actual ECW talent, because it sounds terribly generic.
-Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Joey Styles and Tazz are your hosts. Each brand gets their own table. They're sparing no expense, I see! Lawler and Tazz are already arguing.
Rey Misterio v. Rob Van Dam - Non-title -
We get a handshake before the match. Styles points out that they're former tag champions as well. Lockup, rear waistlock by Rey. Van Dam shrugs him off, but Rey pops right back up and dropkicks him. He tries to follow with a legdrop, but RVD moves. Rey ducks a kick and we have ourselves a standoff. They simultaneously connect with kicks and both stumble back. Tazz is ragging on Lawler for using the same lame anti-ECW jokes every single week. Well, somebody had to do it.
Rey charges, looking for a crucifix. RVD spins him to his feet, then presses him. He drops Rey facefirst to the mat, then immediately hits a standing moonsault. He plays to the crowd without going for a cover. Rey dropkicks him in the back, sending him into the ropes. He goes for the 619, but Van Dam ducks out of the way. He goes for a springboard something or another, but Rey nails him with a dropkick that sends him crashing to the floor.
Rey goes for a baseball slide dropkick, but Van Dam catches him, then drops him across the barricade. He tries to drop a leg off of the barricade, but loses his footing. He goes for it again, but Rey moves and RVD falls into the crowd. Rey rolls into the ring...springboard crossbody over the barricade! There's some classic Rey for you.
-Commercials
When we get back from break, both guys are back in the ring. Van Dam reverses a whip and ducks his head. Rey kicks him. He goes for his wheelbarrow bulldog, but RVD ends up crotching him on the top rope. He heads up top, hitting a sidekick that sends Rey to the floor. Van Dam rolls him onto the apron and connects with a slingshot guillotine legdrop. He covers, but Rey escapes at two.
Van Dam goes for a whip, but gets reversed into the corner. Rey charges, but RVD sends him into the middle turnbuckle with a drop toehold. He bails out and grabs a chair. Back in the ring, he hits his skateboard dropkick in the corner. Cover gets two. He whips Rey into the corner and picks up the chair once again.
RVD is looking for his tumbling monkey flip out of the corner. Rey sidesteps and ends up hitting a bulldog off of the second rope, dropping Van Dam onto the chair. Cover gets two. He pulls RVD onto the chair. He's looking to Drop the Dime, but RVD moves and Rey gets nothing but steel. RVD lays the chair on him and heads up top. Rey tosses the chair away, but can't avoid the Five-Star frogsplash. RVD covers and gets the win!
Backstage, the ECW locker room celebrates. Postmatch, we get a handshake and RVD raises Rey's hand.
This was pretty good. Probably Van Dam's best match since he's been back. I guess working "his style" will help. Sure can't hurt, as he's not been looking good as of late. Sure does suck how Rey's been booked like a complete chump since winning the title, though.
-Clips from Raw show the return of Randy Orton and his RKO to Kurt Angle.
-Speaking of Angle, he's headed to the ring! What a coincidence!
-Commercials
-Hey! Kurt apparently found his way to the ring! Good for him. They remixed his music, removing the pauses that allowed the "you suck" chant. He's glad that Orton is back, as he loved snapping his ankle last time and can't wait to demonstrate what ECW Angle is. Orton is out. He talks about Angle going from main eventing Wrestlemania to being in ECW, comparing it to going from a big budget movie to hardcore porn. He gets in some digs at the crowd, saying they all love them some hardcore porn, as it's the closest they'll ever get to a woman.
Moving on, he essentially announces that he's back on Raw, telling Angle that he's be facing Monday Night Raw's Randy Orton. Tazz is amused. Angle says that, for the first time, he doesn't have to worry offending anyone. All he has to worry about in ECW is kicking ass. He tells Orton that he's going to break his arms, legs and neck. That's harsh. Orton promises to kill the legend of ECW.
-Commercials
Mickie James v. Jazz -
Goddamn, is Mickie James ever cute. Styles and Tazz are hilarious here, mocking Lawler's "PUPPIES!" shtick. All of the announcers slag on Jazz as well. Sucks to be her.
They trade armbars to start. Mickie breaks with a few forearms and sends Jazz into the ropes. She goes for a clothesline, but Jazz avoids it with a cartwheel and catches Mickie with a series of kicks to the ribs. She follows with a dropkick, sending Mickie to the floor. Jazz dives off the apron with a crossbody. She rolls Mickie back in. Mickie staggers into the corner.
Jazz charges, but no one's home. She manages to duck the Mick Kick and drops her with the Jazz Stinger. She covers, but Mickie gets a foot in the ropes. She comes back with an eye rake and quickly hits her spinning DDT for the win. That was quick. At any rate, yay Mickie.
-Sabu video package.
-Commercials
-Todd Grisham interviews John Cena backstage. We get the clips from Raw of the ECW guys beating him down. Cena cuts a great promo talking about how the odds are stacked against him, but that he's not bitching about it. He'll do whatever he has to in order to leave with the belt. He also calls Sabu the "homicidal, suicidal, genocidal, dance recital sheik of the week." Okay then!
-Paul Heyman comes out. He "officially" announces the ECW show on Sci-Fi and claims that ECW won't just be what it once was, but so much more on top of it. He runs down the ONS 2 card, then shows clips from last year's show.
-Angle fires up the ECW guys. Big Show does the same for the WWE crew. Didn't we already see this?
-Commercials
WWE v. ECW Battle Royal
Team WWE (Big Show, Randy Orton, Mark Henry, Tatanka, Shelton Benjamin, Matt Hardy, Fit Finlay, Carlito, Bobby Lashley & Edge) each get their own entrances. Team ECW (Kurt Angle, Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, Terry Funk, Tony Mamaluke, Stevie Richards, Al Snow, Justin Credible, Balls Mahoney & Little Guido) enters as a team, which Styles is quick to point out.
Edge bails out of the ring immediately, with Dreamer in pursuit. And so it begins. This, uh...is a battle royal. People brawl. There's not much to say here. Angle and Guido eliminate Henry pretty quickly. I had to rewatch this, as I thought Guido did it by himself and that would have been crazy. Edge remains on the floor. Funk tosses Matt Hardy out, with a bit of help from Justin Credible. Funk nearly attacks Justin as Styles reminds us that he's a crazy old man.
Show tosses Guido, who hangs on and lands on the apron. Show punches him and he bumps to the floor. Tatanka goes for a clothesline, but Dreamer sidesteps and dumps him out. Sandman gets Carlito on the apron, then dropkicks him to the floor. Styles is impressed with the drunk guy. Edge climbs onto the apron. He grabs Mamaluke and hiptosses him over the top and out. Dreamer reaches for Edge, but Orton sneaks up and tosses him out.
-Commercials
Edge pulls Funk out of the ring. Styles is flipping out, as if an ECW worker wouldn't be willing to cheat to get ahead. Finlay pitches Justin Credible. Finlay should win every match forever and have every title in wrestling, by the way. Just in case you weren't sure where I stood on his return. Snow tries to hit Shelton with Head, but he ducks and kicks Snow out. Head, however, is still in play. Show takes care of that pretty quickly. Lashley pitches Stevie out. BOO! Also, Balls. Angle then suplexes Lashley out.
-Commercials
Orton dumps Sandman out. Camera misses it, though. Edge is now sitting on the ECW announce table, taunting Styles. It's 4 on 1. Make that 3 on 1, as Angle gets rid of Shelton before I can finish writing that. WWE guys get together. They choose to charge Angle one at a time, which is pretty dumb. Over head belly to belly to Finlay. Same for Orton. Show goozles Angle, but he slips away and plants him with the Olympic Slam!
Finlay jumps Angle from behind. He levels him with a pair of shortarm clotheslines and tries to toss him out. Angle blocks it and fires back. He takes Finlay down, then slingshots him over the top and out. Edge finally enters the ring. He signals for the spear as Angle's back is turned. No dice, as Angle avoids him and suplexes him out. Angle celebrates. Orton dumps him out. Team WWE wins! Or do they?
As Orton celebrates, Show pulls off his Raw shirt, showing that he's wearing an ECW shirt underneath. Orton turns. He's confused. Chokeslam. Show tosses him out. ECW wins? Show invites Angle back in. Angle looks wary, but enters the ring. They hug. Now they are so happy, they do the dance of joy! Actually, not. That would rule, though.
Show in ECW? Interesting. I'll hold off on shitting on it until I actually see what Heyman has in mind for him. But...yeah. Interesting.
-Commercials
-The ECW locker room celebrates.
-Edge, Lita and Foley are in the ring. Edge rolls a clip from one of Foley's old anti-hardcore promos, circa 1995 (the "Cane Dewey" promo). I'll reprint the entire promo because it rules the friggin' school:
"More than anyone else in that ECW dressing room, Tommy Dreamer, maybe more than anybody else in the wrestling industry, you are willing to pay the price. To sweat, to bleed, to suffer. You're willing to bear that cross and I say, Tommy...don't do it! Because, you see, in order to sacrifice and bear that cross for them, it means I've got to suffer and I'm telling you from the voice of experience that they're not worth it, Tommy. They're not worth it! You see, you've got the choice.
Not me...I made my bed of nails, and now I've got no other choice than to be powerbombed on it. But you see Tommy, the world is smiling on you. The wrestling business is smiling at you and don't you frown back on it! I'm going to take you back to a very deciding point in my life. A time when I believed in something. A time when I thought my face and my name made a difference. Do you remember the night, Tommy Dreamer?
Because it's embedded in my skull, it's embedded in my heart, and it's embedded in every nightmare that I will ever have again. As Terry Funk took a broken bottle and began slicing and dicing Cactus Jack, the pain was so much, Tommy. I'll be honest with you, Tommy. The pain was so much that I wanted to say, 'I quit, Terry Funk. I give. I wave the flag and I'm a coward. Just please don't hurt me anymore.' Then I saw my saving grace. You see, Tommy, I looked out in that audience, my adoring crowd, and I saw two simple words that changed my life. 'Cane Dewey.'
Someone had taken the time and the effort and the thought to make a sign that said, 'Cane Dewey.' And I saw other people around, as every moment in my life stopped and focused in on that sign and the pain that shot through my body became a distant memory. Replaced by a thought which will be embedded in my skull until my dying day. Cane Dewey? Cane Dewey? Dewey Foley is a three-year-old little boy you sick sons of bitches. You ripped out my heart. You ripped out my soul. You took everything I believed in and you flushed it down the damn toilet.
You flushed my heart...you flushed my soul...and now it sickens me to see other people making the same mistake. You see, Tommy Dreamer, I have to listen to my little boy say every day, 'Daddy, I miss Georgia,' and I say, "That's too bad, son, because your dad traded in the Victorian house for a sweatbox on Long Island. Your dad traded in a hundred thousand dollar contract, guaranteed money, insurance, respect and the name on the dotted line of the greatest man in the world to work for a scumbag who operates out of a little pissant pawn shop in Philadelphia.' You don't expect me to be bitter, Tommy?
When you open up your heart, when you open up your soul and it gets shit on, it tends to make Jack a very mean boy. And so I say to you, before I take these aggressions out on you, to look at your future and realize that the hardcore life is a lie. That these letters behind me are a blatant lie. That those fans who sit there and say, 'He's hardcore, he's hardcore, he's hardcore,' wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire, you selfish son of a bitch! But I want you to understand, Tommy, though he's hurt you time and time again, Raven wants you to understand that the hatred I have in here is not for you. No, no...far from it.
You see Tommy, I'm not doing this because I hate you. I love you, man! I only want the best for you. But when I hear that WCW called up your number, and you said, 'No thank you'...well, it makes my blood run cold. As cold as that night in the ECW arena. And so I've got a moral obligation. You see, Tommy, I'm on the path of righteousness, and righteous men wield a lot of power.
So, if I've got drag you by your face to that telephone and dial collect and say, 'Hello Eric Bischoff, it's me, Cactus, and though I know I've burned my bridge, and I'll never be taken back with open arms, I've got a wrestler who would gladly trade in his ECW shirt for a pair of green suspenders.' And Tommy, just think of that sound when Uncle Eric says, 'Welcome home, Tommy Dreamer, welcome home. I love being right."
Seriously. I get goosebumps just retyping that. Possibly the best promo I've ever seen. Maybe the best promo ever done, period...
Edge (w/Lita & Foley) v. Tommy Dreamer (w/Funk) - Hardcore -
Edge has a chair. Dreamer comes in with a barbed wire wrapped 2x4. They both swing. Edge drops the chair and bails. Dreamer follows. He winds up a shot, but hits the barricade. Edge attacks him. He goes for a whip, but Dreamer reverses him into the steps. Edge takes the Foley-esque flipping bump over them. Nice touch. Dreamer rolls him in and nails him with a street sign. Lita grabs his leg to keep him from following up.
Edge cuts him off and hits him with the sign. He blasts Dreamer with a cookie sheet, then sets up a garbage can midring. He tries to hiptoss Dreamer onto it, but Dreamer blocks and counters into a Hangman's neckbreaker. I dig how they're working all of Funk's spots into this. Dreamer sits a chair in the ring. Edge reverses a whip, though, sending Dreamer into it with a drop toehold. Okay...now they're ripping off Raven who ripped off Shane Douglas and my head is about to explode. Too much useless ECW trivia in my brain.
Edge hits him with a garbage lid and drops an elbow with it. Cover gets two. He follows up with the Edgecution onto the garbage can and gets a nearfall. He tries to whip Dreamer into the corner, but it's reversed. Edge goes for the floatover, but Dreamer stops short and kicks him in the nads. Styles wonders if he can say "nads," on USA. Tazz thinks that it's okay. Dreamer ties Edge to the Tree of Woe and stands on his crotch. Harsh.
He follows up by dropkicking a chair into Edge's face. He rolls to the floor and slides a table in. Announcers are arguing the virtues of Sports Entertainment at this point. Styles brings up Finlay's leprechaun. Lawler is baffled. Styles wonders why he doesn't follow the WWE product. Good question there. The table is set up near the corner. Dreamer places Edge up top.
Lita cuts him off, nailing him with a cane. Funk grabs Lita, but Foley is in, choking Funk out with a strand of barbed wire. Wow...the announcers don't sell this nearly enough. Brutal spot. Edge is looking for a powerbomb off the top. Dreamer counters with a backdrop. Table is too far away and Edge lands with a sickening thud, going pretty much headfirst into the mat. Had his takeoff been six inches lower, he might be dead.
Dreamer pulls him up and gives him a Death Valley Driver through the table. Styles tries to claim that the move originated in ECW. Nice try, Joey. He makes the cover, but Lita wails on him with the cane. Dreamer no sells it and hoists her for a powerbomb. I cry foul! Everyone knows that Dreamer *piledrives* chicks. At any rate, Edge spears him. Both he and Lita cover and Edge picks up the win!
At ringside, Funk beats the shit out of Foley, busting his eye open hardway with stiff punches. Oh, Cactus. Why do you do this to yourself?
Fun match. Edge's scary bump aside. Dreamer was always capable of delivering a nifty brawl that you knew sucked, but he was super likable and busted his ass, so you just overlooked it. That describes this fairly well, I guess.
-See No Evil hype package. Yeah...enough of this, already.
-Commercials
-Foley is still in the ring. He cuts an amazing promo, putting over Terry Funk as an absolute God and talking about his feelings on ECW. Seriously, he just sold the PPV to more people with that promo than the WWE hype machine has in the last month.
-Jerry Lawler and Tazz finally have their brawl. Stiff shots by both guys. Methinks there's some legit heat there. At any rate, I marked out like crazy for Tazz kicking ass. As I always do.
-Commercials
-Raw clips show the Cena/RVD contract signing and the subsequent Cena beatdown by the ECW crew.
John Cena v. Sabu - Non-title -
They trade punches to open the match, with Cena quickly taking charge. He levels Sabu with a back elbow, then drops an elbow for a nearfall. He rams Sabu into the corner and continues punching away at him. Suplex gets two. Styles finds it humorous that Cena would think he could put Sabu away that easily. Cena sends Sabu into the ropes and ducks his head. Sabu kicks him.
He bounces off the ropes, but ends up charging into a belly to belly suplex. Another nearfall for Cena. He punches away at Sabu from the mount. Sabu fires back, but Cena chokes him in the corner. Whip to the opposite corner. Cena closes in, but Sabu kicks him low and tosses him out. Somersault plancha connects! Sabu tosses a chair right into Cena's face.
He rolls Cena in and again tosses a chair at him. He hits the Triple Jump Moonsault, but can only get two. Air Sabu is also good for a nearfall. He follows with an Arabian Facebuster and Cena rolls to the floor. Sabu follows, pounding on Cena and whipping him into the steps. He whips him into the WWE announce table.
Cena is draped over it, allowing Sabu to drop a leg on him. Cena falls to the floor and Sabu comes off the table with another legdrop. He rolls Cena in and gets two. He threatens the ref with a chair, then sets up for Air Sabu once again. Cena catches him, turning it into an FU. He locks the STFU and Big Show hits the ring. Everyone else runs out and brawls to end the show.
Way better than you'd hope a Cena/Sabu could be. Sabu was on and Cena is awesome when he's super aggressive and beats the shit out of people. Sort of surreal as well, as this isn't a match up I'd ever have thought I'd see.
-Mick Foley opens the show, giving the WWE guys a pep talk. Paul Heyman does the same for the ECW crew. Hey! Stevie Richards is in the house! Dare I say it? TREMENDOUS! Tony Mamaluke and Justin Credible are also there. That gets a YAY! and a meh, respectively. Sabu is sporting some rockin' mutton chops. Apparently, he's buying into the Triple H "goofy facial hair = push" line of thinking. Not that I'm complaining. The man once tried to stab me (true story!), so he can rock whatever facial hair style he chooses. Go Sabu and whatnot.
-Opening montage. I hope this isn't the style of theme that they go for with the actual ECW talent, because it sounds terribly generic.
-Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Joey Styles and Tazz are your hosts. Each brand gets their own table. They're sparing no expense, I see! Lawler and Tazz are already arguing.
Rey Misterio v. Rob Van Dam - Non-title -
We get a handshake before the match. Styles points out that they're former tag champions as well. Lockup, rear waistlock by Rey. Van Dam shrugs him off, but Rey pops right back up and dropkicks him. He tries to follow with a legdrop, but RVD moves. Rey ducks a kick and we have ourselves a standoff. They simultaneously connect with kicks and both stumble back. Tazz is ragging on Lawler for using the same lame anti-ECW jokes every single week. Well, somebody had to do it.
Rey charges, looking for a crucifix. RVD spins him to his feet, then presses him. He drops Rey facefirst to the mat, then immediately hits a standing moonsault. He plays to the crowd without going for a cover. Rey dropkicks him in the back, sending him into the ropes. He goes for the 619, but Van Dam ducks out of the way. He goes for a springboard something or another, but Rey nails him with a dropkick that sends him crashing to the floor.
Rey goes for a baseball slide dropkick, but Van Dam catches him, then drops him across the barricade. He tries to drop a leg off of the barricade, but loses his footing. He goes for it again, but Rey moves and RVD falls into the crowd. Rey rolls into the ring...springboard crossbody over the barricade! There's some classic Rey for you.
-Commercials
When we get back from break, both guys are back in the ring. Van Dam reverses a whip and ducks his head. Rey kicks him. He goes for his wheelbarrow bulldog, but RVD ends up crotching him on the top rope. He heads up top, hitting a sidekick that sends Rey to the floor. Van Dam rolls him onto the apron and connects with a slingshot guillotine legdrop. He covers, but Rey escapes at two.
Van Dam goes for a whip, but gets reversed into the corner. Rey charges, but RVD sends him into the middle turnbuckle with a drop toehold. He bails out and grabs a chair. Back in the ring, he hits his skateboard dropkick in the corner. Cover gets two. He whips Rey into the corner and picks up the chair once again.
RVD is looking for his tumbling monkey flip out of the corner. Rey sidesteps and ends up hitting a bulldog off of the second rope, dropping Van Dam onto the chair. Cover gets two. He pulls RVD onto the chair. He's looking to Drop the Dime, but RVD moves and Rey gets nothing but steel. RVD lays the chair on him and heads up top. Rey tosses the chair away, but can't avoid the Five-Star frogsplash. RVD covers and gets the win!
Backstage, the ECW locker room celebrates. Postmatch, we get a handshake and RVD raises Rey's hand.
This was pretty good. Probably Van Dam's best match since he's been back. I guess working "his style" will help. Sure can't hurt, as he's not been looking good as of late. Sure does suck how Rey's been booked like a complete chump since winning the title, though.
-Clips from Raw show the return of Randy Orton and his RKO to Kurt Angle.
-Speaking of Angle, he's headed to the ring! What a coincidence!
-Commercials
-Hey! Kurt apparently found his way to the ring! Good for him. They remixed his music, removing the pauses that allowed the "you suck" chant. He's glad that Orton is back, as he loved snapping his ankle last time and can't wait to demonstrate what ECW Angle is. Orton is out. He talks about Angle going from main eventing Wrestlemania to being in ECW, comparing it to going from a big budget movie to hardcore porn. He gets in some digs at the crowd, saying they all love them some hardcore porn, as it's the closest they'll ever get to a woman.
Moving on, he essentially announces that he's back on Raw, telling Angle that he's be facing Monday Night Raw's Randy Orton. Tazz is amused. Angle says that, for the first time, he doesn't have to worry offending anyone. All he has to worry about in ECW is kicking ass. He tells Orton that he's going to break his arms, legs and neck. That's harsh. Orton promises to kill the legend of ECW.
-Commercials
Mickie James v. Jazz -
Goddamn, is Mickie James ever cute. Styles and Tazz are hilarious here, mocking Lawler's "PUPPIES!" shtick. All of the announcers slag on Jazz as well. Sucks to be her.
They trade armbars to start. Mickie breaks with a few forearms and sends Jazz into the ropes. She goes for a clothesline, but Jazz avoids it with a cartwheel and catches Mickie with a series of kicks to the ribs. She follows with a dropkick, sending Mickie to the floor. Jazz dives off the apron with a crossbody. She rolls Mickie back in. Mickie staggers into the corner.
Jazz charges, but no one's home. She manages to duck the Mick Kick and drops her with the Jazz Stinger. She covers, but Mickie gets a foot in the ropes. She comes back with an eye rake and quickly hits her spinning DDT for the win. That was quick. At any rate, yay Mickie.
-Sabu video package.
-Commercials
-Todd Grisham interviews John Cena backstage. We get the clips from Raw of the ECW guys beating him down. Cena cuts a great promo talking about how the odds are stacked against him, but that he's not bitching about it. He'll do whatever he has to in order to leave with the belt. He also calls Sabu the "homicidal, suicidal, genocidal, dance recital sheik of the week." Okay then!
-Paul Heyman comes out. He "officially" announces the ECW show on Sci-Fi and claims that ECW won't just be what it once was, but so much more on top of it. He runs down the ONS 2 card, then shows clips from last year's show.
-Angle fires up the ECW guys. Big Show does the same for the WWE crew. Didn't we already see this?
-Commercials
WWE v. ECW Battle Royal
Team WWE (Big Show, Randy Orton, Mark Henry, Tatanka, Shelton Benjamin, Matt Hardy, Fit Finlay, Carlito, Bobby Lashley & Edge) each get their own entrances. Team ECW (Kurt Angle, Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, Terry Funk, Tony Mamaluke, Stevie Richards, Al Snow, Justin Credible, Balls Mahoney & Little Guido) enters as a team, which Styles is quick to point out.
Edge bails out of the ring immediately, with Dreamer in pursuit. And so it begins. This, uh...is a battle royal. People brawl. There's not much to say here. Angle and Guido eliminate Henry pretty quickly. I had to rewatch this, as I thought Guido did it by himself and that would have been crazy. Edge remains on the floor. Funk tosses Matt Hardy out, with a bit of help from Justin Credible. Funk nearly attacks Justin as Styles reminds us that he's a crazy old man.
Show tosses Guido, who hangs on and lands on the apron. Show punches him and he bumps to the floor. Tatanka goes for a clothesline, but Dreamer sidesteps and dumps him out. Sandman gets Carlito on the apron, then dropkicks him to the floor. Styles is impressed with the drunk guy. Edge climbs onto the apron. He grabs Mamaluke and hiptosses him over the top and out. Dreamer reaches for Edge, but Orton sneaks up and tosses him out.
-Commercials
Edge pulls Funk out of the ring. Styles is flipping out, as if an ECW worker wouldn't be willing to cheat to get ahead. Finlay pitches Justin Credible. Finlay should win every match forever and have every title in wrestling, by the way. Just in case you weren't sure where I stood on his return. Snow tries to hit Shelton with Head, but he ducks and kicks Snow out. Head, however, is still in play. Show takes care of that pretty quickly. Lashley pitches Stevie out. BOO! Also, Balls. Angle then suplexes Lashley out.
-Commercials
Orton dumps Sandman out. Camera misses it, though. Edge is now sitting on the ECW announce table, taunting Styles. It's 4 on 1. Make that 3 on 1, as Angle gets rid of Shelton before I can finish writing that. WWE guys get together. They choose to charge Angle one at a time, which is pretty dumb. Over head belly to belly to Finlay. Same for Orton. Show goozles Angle, but he slips away and plants him with the Olympic Slam!
Finlay jumps Angle from behind. He levels him with a pair of shortarm clotheslines and tries to toss him out. Angle blocks it and fires back. He takes Finlay down, then slingshots him over the top and out. Edge finally enters the ring. He signals for the spear as Angle's back is turned. No dice, as Angle avoids him and suplexes him out. Angle celebrates. Orton dumps him out. Team WWE wins! Or do they?
As Orton celebrates, Show pulls off his Raw shirt, showing that he's wearing an ECW shirt underneath. Orton turns. He's confused. Chokeslam. Show tosses him out. ECW wins? Show invites Angle back in. Angle looks wary, but enters the ring. They hug. Now they are so happy, they do the dance of joy! Actually, not. That would rule, though.
Show in ECW? Interesting. I'll hold off on shitting on it until I actually see what Heyman has in mind for him. But...yeah. Interesting.
-Commercials
-The ECW locker room celebrates.
-Edge, Lita and Foley are in the ring. Edge rolls a clip from one of Foley's old anti-hardcore promos, circa 1995 (the "Cane Dewey" promo). I'll reprint the entire promo because it rules the friggin' school:
"More than anyone else in that ECW dressing room, Tommy Dreamer, maybe more than anybody else in the wrestling industry, you are willing to pay the price. To sweat, to bleed, to suffer. You're willing to bear that cross and I say, Tommy...don't do it! Because, you see, in order to sacrifice and bear that cross for them, it means I've got to suffer and I'm telling you from the voice of experience that they're not worth it, Tommy. They're not worth it! You see, you've got the choice.
Not me...I made my bed of nails, and now I've got no other choice than to be powerbombed on it. But you see Tommy, the world is smiling on you. The wrestling business is smiling at you and don't you frown back on it! I'm going to take you back to a very deciding point in my life. A time when I believed in something. A time when I thought my face and my name made a difference. Do you remember the night, Tommy Dreamer?
Because it's embedded in my skull, it's embedded in my heart, and it's embedded in every nightmare that I will ever have again. As Terry Funk took a broken bottle and began slicing and dicing Cactus Jack, the pain was so much, Tommy. I'll be honest with you, Tommy. The pain was so much that I wanted to say, 'I quit, Terry Funk. I give. I wave the flag and I'm a coward. Just please don't hurt me anymore.' Then I saw my saving grace. You see, Tommy, I looked out in that audience, my adoring crowd, and I saw two simple words that changed my life. 'Cane Dewey.'
Someone had taken the time and the effort and the thought to make a sign that said, 'Cane Dewey.' And I saw other people around, as every moment in my life stopped and focused in on that sign and the pain that shot through my body became a distant memory. Replaced by a thought which will be embedded in my skull until my dying day. Cane Dewey? Cane Dewey? Dewey Foley is a three-year-old little boy you sick sons of bitches. You ripped out my heart. You ripped out my soul. You took everything I believed in and you flushed it down the damn toilet.
You flushed my heart...you flushed my soul...and now it sickens me to see other people making the same mistake. You see, Tommy Dreamer, I have to listen to my little boy say every day, 'Daddy, I miss Georgia,' and I say, "That's too bad, son, because your dad traded in the Victorian house for a sweatbox on Long Island. Your dad traded in a hundred thousand dollar contract, guaranteed money, insurance, respect and the name on the dotted line of the greatest man in the world to work for a scumbag who operates out of a little pissant pawn shop in Philadelphia.' You don't expect me to be bitter, Tommy?
When you open up your heart, when you open up your soul and it gets shit on, it tends to make Jack a very mean boy. And so I say to you, before I take these aggressions out on you, to look at your future and realize that the hardcore life is a lie. That these letters behind me are a blatant lie. That those fans who sit there and say, 'He's hardcore, he's hardcore, he's hardcore,' wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire, you selfish son of a bitch! But I want you to understand, Tommy, though he's hurt you time and time again, Raven wants you to understand that the hatred I have in here is not for you. No, no...far from it.
You see Tommy, I'm not doing this because I hate you. I love you, man! I only want the best for you. But when I hear that WCW called up your number, and you said, 'No thank you'...well, it makes my blood run cold. As cold as that night in the ECW arena. And so I've got a moral obligation. You see, Tommy, I'm on the path of righteousness, and righteous men wield a lot of power.
So, if I've got drag you by your face to that telephone and dial collect and say, 'Hello Eric Bischoff, it's me, Cactus, and though I know I've burned my bridge, and I'll never be taken back with open arms, I've got a wrestler who would gladly trade in his ECW shirt for a pair of green suspenders.' And Tommy, just think of that sound when Uncle Eric says, 'Welcome home, Tommy Dreamer, welcome home. I love being right."
Seriously. I get goosebumps just retyping that. Possibly the best promo I've ever seen. Maybe the best promo ever done, period...
Edge (w/Lita & Foley) v. Tommy Dreamer (w/Funk) - Hardcore -
Edge has a chair. Dreamer comes in with a barbed wire wrapped 2x4. They both swing. Edge drops the chair and bails. Dreamer follows. He winds up a shot, but hits the barricade. Edge attacks him. He goes for a whip, but Dreamer reverses him into the steps. Edge takes the Foley-esque flipping bump over them. Nice touch. Dreamer rolls him in and nails him with a street sign. Lita grabs his leg to keep him from following up.
Edge cuts him off and hits him with the sign. He blasts Dreamer with a cookie sheet, then sets up a garbage can midring. He tries to hiptoss Dreamer onto it, but Dreamer blocks and counters into a Hangman's neckbreaker. I dig how they're working all of Funk's spots into this. Dreamer sits a chair in the ring. Edge reverses a whip, though, sending Dreamer into it with a drop toehold. Okay...now they're ripping off Raven who ripped off Shane Douglas and my head is about to explode. Too much useless ECW trivia in my brain.
Edge hits him with a garbage lid and drops an elbow with it. Cover gets two. He follows up with the Edgecution onto the garbage can and gets a nearfall. He tries to whip Dreamer into the corner, but it's reversed. Edge goes for the floatover, but Dreamer stops short and kicks him in the nads. Styles wonders if he can say "nads," on USA. Tazz thinks that it's okay. Dreamer ties Edge to the Tree of Woe and stands on his crotch. Harsh.
He follows up by dropkicking a chair into Edge's face. He rolls to the floor and slides a table in. Announcers are arguing the virtues of Sports Entertainment at this point. Styles brings up Finlay's leprechaun. Lawler is baffled. Styles wonders why he doesn't follow the WWE product. Good question there. The table is set up near the corner. Dreamer places Edge up top.
Lita cuts him off, nailing him with a cane. Funk grabs Lita, but Foley is in, choking Funk out with a strand of barbed wire. Wow...the announcers don't sell this nearly enough. Brutal spot. Edge is looking for a powerbomb off the top. Dreamer counters with a backdrop. Table is too far away and Edge lands with a sickening thud, going pretty much headfirst into the mat. Had his takeoff been six inches lower, he might be dead.
Dreamer pulls him up and gives him a Death Valley Driver through the table. Styles tries to claim that the move originated in ECW. Nice try, Joey. He makes the cover, but Lita wails on him with the cane. Dreamer no sells it and hoists her for a powerbomb. I cry foul! Everyone knows that Dreamer *piledrives* chicks. At any rate, Edge spears him. Both he and Lita cover and Edge picks up the win!
At ringside, Funk beats the shit out of Foley, busting his eye open hardway with stiff punches. Oh, Cactus. Why do you do this to yourself?
Fun match. Edge's scary bump aside. Dreamer was always capable of delivering a nifty brawl that you knew sucked, but he was super likable and busted his ass, so you just overlooked it. That describes this fairly well, I guess.
-See No Evil hype package. Yeah...enough of this, already.
-Commercials
-Foley is still in the ring. He cuts an amazing promo, putting over Terry Funk as an absolute God and talking about his feelings on ECW. Seriously, he just sold the PPV to more people with that promo than the WWE hype machine has in the last month.
-Jerry Lawler and Tazz finally have their brawl. Stiff shots by both guys. Methinks there's some legit heat there. At any rate, I marked out like crazy for Tazz kicking ass. As I always do.
-Commercials
-Raw clips show the Cena/RVD contract signing and the subsequent Cena beatdown by the ECW crew.
John Cena v. Sabu - Non-title -
They trade punches to open the match, with Cena quickly taking charge. He levels Sabu with a back elbow, then drops an elbow for a nearfall. He rams Sabu into the corner and continues punching away at him. Suplex gets two. Styles finds it humorous that Cena would think he could put Sabu away that easily. Cena sends Sabu into the ropes and ducks his head. Sabu kicks him.
He bounces off the ropes, but ends up charging into a belly to belly suplex. Another nearfall for Cena. He punches away at Sabu from the mount. Sabu fires back, but Cena chokes him in the corner. Whip to the opposite corner. Cena closes in, but Sabu kicks him low and tosses him out. Somersault plancha connects! Sabu tosses a chair right into Cena's face.
He rolls Cena in and again tosses a chair at him. He hits the Triple Jump Moonsault, but can only get two. Air Sabu is also good for a nearfall. He follows with an Arabian Facebuster and Cena rolls to the floor. Sabu follows, pounding on Cena and whipping him into the steps. He whips him into the WWE announce table.
Cena is draped over it, allowing Sabu to drop a leg on him. Cena falls to the floor and Sabu comes off the table with another legdrop. He rolls Cena in and gets two. He threatens the ref with a chair, then sets up for Air Sabu once again. Cena catches him, turning it into an FU. He locks the STFU and Big Show hits the ring. Everyone else runs out and brawls to end the show.
Way better than you'd hope a Cena/Sabu could be. Sabu was on and Cena is awesome when he's super aggressive and beats the shit out of people. Sort of surreal as well, as this isn't a match up I'd ever have thought I'd see.
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