Heart Punch

AGAINST: Khali's having a title celebration? FOR: Oooh. Continuity. FOR: Batista making the "Call me" motion to Chery post-match. JBL: "She must be an animal lover." FOR: The explanation for Hornswoggle's eligibility in the match is actually kind of ingenious. FOR: Noble's promo. (Who's Max?) AGAINST: Hornswoggle has an entrance? FOR: Noble pointing downwards. He knows what's up. AGAINST: Is he biting his knee pad? FOR: JBL: "This could be the shortest championship reign ever." UM: What's with all the countouts recently? FOR: Chavo's knee stretch. AGAINST: Is "tenaciousness" a word, Cole? FOR: Chavo: "Me?" JBL: "I've seen that before somewhere." FOR: This match got good at the halfway point. FOR: BRAINBUSTER. FOR: More continuity with the Hardy/Masters match two weeks ago. FOR: Was the Bash the first time Matt and Jeff have worked separate singles matches on the same show? I...

FOR: The crowd cheering Edge having to give up the title. AGAINST: Not only is that thing cursed, but it's kind of a symbol of when everything went south. FOR: LOL at Edge claiming Kane's depriving the people of watching him. AGAINST: What the hell song is this? FOR: Oh. FOR: Ah, the battle royal trick. They've gone to this well before. FOR: The fans waving good-bye. FOR: Victoria clipping Torrie's leg. FOR: Victoria yelling at the crowd. FOR: The Widow's Peak. AGAINST: They're doing the battle royal now? Well, I guess they need a challenger for the winner or something. FOR: Cole bringing up how Batista had to forfeit the title also AND how he couldn't face Edge for the title any more. FOR: And again, entrances are reserved only for the people that matter. FOR: I'm surprised Funaki lasted this long. AGAINST: Why'd they all pick Henry to gang up on? FOR: Kenny and Deuce celebrating. FOR: The Noble elimination. AGAINST: Doing essent...

-The announcers open the show with some breaking news. Apparently, Johnny Nitro has called a press conference for later tonight. We get a shot of his dressing room, which is swarming with press, curious about this life altering news! Some dude (who probably had a name, though they didn't care to share it with us) walks out and tells us that tonight will be the last time we ever see Johnny Nitro in ECW. Oh! All of our questions will be answered soon enough. Thank god, as the stress is just killing me. CM Punk v. Elijah Burke - Rumor has it that the main event was supposed to be Punk versus Cor Van, but that MCV didn't show up for some reason. We'll have to wait and see how that plays out. I hope he's not leaving. I doubly hope he's not going back to TNA. He had more charisma as Monty Brown, but the matches were the shits. I'll also point out that ECW needs to add a name or six, as this match is bordering on being done to death, but really…who else do they have to...

FOR: That's a new way to start the show. AGAINST: A party and a contract signing? What is this, Raw? FOR: MVP: "Humble? What does that mean? Humble's a place in Texas, isn't it?" AGAINST: That's a terrible spot to go to commercial. AGAINST: See? FOR: They've really gotten the Twist of Fate over in recent weeks. AGAINST: JBL saying "Ball-in." AGAINST: JBL seems awful subdued tonight. FOR: JBL: "I spent a month here one weekend." FOR: Finlay lying across Yang's back while keeping the armlock on. FOR: JBL: "It's a back body drop; the body dropped." AGAINST: The hell? Hornswaggle? FOR: The Majors' double leapfrog. FOR: JBL: "MVP is right. You media types make me sick." FOR: Brett's enziguiri taking out both Chavo and Noble. FOR: Vickie standing her ground. FOR: That metal door's getting quite a workout. FOR: Batista's almost laughing. AGAINST: This is helping no one. FOR: ...

-So much for "This Is Extreme," as they've already replaced it with a new intro. I believe it's a reworked version of "This Is the New Shit" by Marilyn Manson. It's definitely Manson, at any rate. -Later tonight, it's a rematch from last week. Dreamer versus Nitro. This week, though, it's Extreme Rules. -Striker's Classroom segment. His guest is Boogeyman. Striker has an offering of a bowl full of worms. He runs down some wormy factoids, then tells Boogey that the games end tonight. He brings out Viscera (called "Big Daddy V") who's dumped the pajamas for an early Tommy Dreamer tights and suspenders look. Put a shirt on, brah. Jeez. He slams Boogey HARD onto Striker's desk and tosses him through the blackboard. Wow. That was total annihilation. Not a bad way to re-debut him, I guess. Elijah Burke v. Balls Mahoney - They trade strikes, with Burke's more disciplined punching winning out over Balls' barroom brawling. He...

Sorry for the delay. Too much work to do, apparently. Which I'm not even being paid for! Ah...stupidity. It clings to me like, uh...something clingy. And just wait until you see how I fuck up next week's show (coming to a blog near you sometime tonight!). Not a good week for me, intelligence-wise. Heh. -"Bodies" is no longer the theme of this show, for obvious reasons. Looks like they'll go with the traditional "This Is Extreme" theme for now. They need to go old school and use "Thunderkiss '65" again. -Johnny Nitro is out for a match. The announcers helpfully explain that Punk and Nitro are responsible for picking the other's opponent for tonight. Nitro has chosen Kevin Thorn. Punk's pick… Johnny Nitro v. Tommy Dreamer - Dreamer opens with an armdrag. Nitro fires back with a Euro uppercut, but Dreamer tackles him for a nearfall. He takes Nitro over with a hiptoss and slams him. Nitro drops him with a kick and heads up top. Dreamer ...

FOR: This is a city that cheered Michael Irvin, for fuck's sake. MVP should be right at home. FOR: And there's the Nowitski slam. AGAINST: MVP's RVD-esque stalling. FOR: Test of strength? AGAINST: The guy in the front row telling MVP to get back in the ring. Who the hell does he think he is? FOR: JBL talking about the effect of the headbutt on your vision, of all things. FOR: MVP and Matt throwin' 'bows. FOR: That's the second week in a row Matt's pulled the Twist out of nowhere. AGAINST: Flair and Finlay have to have met at some point, right? AGAINST: What's Edge's problem? FOR: That catch into the Master Lock was probably the most impressive thing Masters has ever done. AGAINST: Well, that sucked. AGAINST: And this is an even bigger mistake. FOR: JBL: "I'm retired. I'm out. I'm retired." AGAINST: Festus looks like he's dead. FOR: Cole doesn't believe it either. FOR: JBL: "They've met in a ...

So I had this bit written a couple of weeks ago after the lottery that I forgot to put in my last roundup about how Smackdown losing Chris Benoit really compromises the depth of the brand, ironically much like WCW losing the Radicals gutted its midcard and started the beginning of the end. Then... well, you know. I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said because I just don't know what to say. Watching this story unfold over its first 24 hours or so left me feeling sadder and sicker with every new piece of information that came out. And at the end of it, I'm just left with the same questions I'm sure everyone else has. Questions that can never really be answered. FOR: Flair! FOR: Carlito? FOR: JBL: "I worked for his father in Puerto Rico. He still owes me money." AGAINST: Would it kill them to just say 'Carlos Colon'? FOR: Thank you, JBL. FOR: JBL not getting invited to Tony and Eva's wedding. FOR: Citizens! Count to ...

I wasn't sure if I should even do this recap, to be quite frank. I haven't been much in the mood to watch pro wrestling over the past week, for obvious reasons. For better or worse, I'm basically going to ignore the gigantic elephant in the room. I don't know what to say at this point. Or even how to go about saying it. While it may be possible for some to separate Chris Benoit the character from the man and enjoy all of the great things he did as a wrestler while simultaneously condemning his actions as a man…I'm not sure anyone is ready to travel down that road. Not yet, anyway. It's probably best to just stick to the show in question. We'll let time dictate the rest. -Vince McMahon opens the show, talking about the Raw tribute and how, 26 hours later, the facts of the entire scenario have been made clearer. The only mention of Chris Benoit on tonight's show will be from Vince himself. He dedicates the show to everyone effected by the events of the pas...

And I can't stop staring back How did I get this way? Take a big look at a living lie... It was the finest neighborhood in the small town, and the house everyone went by every day was as beautiful as it ever was. At least it was then. In a few hours helicopters would surround it from the sky and newscameras would surround it on the ground, but that was the future nobody saw coming. Since everyone just went by the house on the way to their usual jaunts they had no idea the wife was strangled, the son suffocated, and as their corpses' odors began wafting through the air that usually hummed with conditioning that the great man who wasn't that great at all had prepared the final seconds of his life. Chris Benoit stepped off the chair and into the underworld. Thank God. Sometimes I dream about it What it's like back home The railroad tracks and the pussy willow Every time something like this happens, the cliche angel gets its wings. But out of all the It Wasn't Suppose...

I really don't know what the fuck to say anymore. I'm watching CM Punk crying his eyes out about a guy who was "his hero." He shouldn't be doing that now. Neither of these guys in the picture should be dead right now. I and many other fans shouldn't feel like this whole wrestling thing is just a big waste of time now, that it really doesn't matter anymore. I really don't know what the fuck to do right now. I really don't. God bless you Chris Benoit. I hope you find some sort of peace in the next world. ******************** Pro wrestler, family found dead in Fayetteville home By Saeed Ahmed, Kathy Jefcoats The Atlanta-Journal Constitution Published on: 06/25/07 In its ongoing attempt to constantly outdo itself, the World Wrestling Entertainment recently staged the "death" of its chairman in an apparent limo explosion. Monday night, the largest wrestling organization in the world grappled with a real-life murder mystery: What led to the app...

I don't even know what the heck to say any more when this happens. I'm sure the rest of the Heart Punch family will have more to add later. . .so I'll just leave it with the words from WWE.com. R.I.P., Chris. ------------ World Wrestling Entertainment was informed today by authorities in Fayetteville County, Ga., that WWE Superstar Chris Benoit , his wife, Nancy, and his son were found dead in their home. Authorities are investigating, but no other details are available at this time. Instead of its announced programming for tonight on USA Network, WWE will air a three-hour tribute to Chris Benoit. Chris was beloved among his fellow Superstars, and was a favorite among WWE fans for his unbelievable athleticism and wrestling ability. He always took great pride in his performance, and always showed respect for the business he loved, for his peers and towards his fans. This is a terrible tragedy and an unbearable loss. WWE extends its sincere condolences and prayers to the...

FOR: Torrie's wondering what's up with that introduction, too. AGAINST: That's some pretty flimsy evidence, Edge. AGAINST: The hell does MVP have to do with this? FOR: Here's Flair to be the voice of reason. FOR: That works too. FOR: JBL on somebody else having his number: "I don't think that's ever happened in my career." AGAINST: Funaki's already in the ring? This can't be good. AGAINST: Nope. AGAINST: That's not gonna get it done. AGAINST: Way to telegraph it, Teddy. AGAINST: A 'fact-finding' mission? FOR: JBL: "There's 13 people there. What'd he have to find out?" AGAINST: No, Cole, Teddy's announcement has NOTHING to do with the investigation. FOR: This sort of half-cloverleaf Finlay's got Matt in. FOR: GREAT ending. AGAINST: I'm not sure how to gauge that crowd reaction. AGAINST: Wait, what? AGAINST: Masters? Talk about going from bad to worse. FOR: The Master Lock montage. A...

-Opening montage. With no champion to focus on, CM Punk gets the coveted final shot. -Later tonight, Punk squares off with Marcus Cor Van and Chris Benoit faces Elijah Burke. The winners advance to Vengeance: Night of Champions, where the ECW Title will be up for grabs. -Vince stuff. I'll be typing that a bunch in the coming weeks (months) as it's little more than a fast forward point for me, so get used to it! Chris Benoit v. Elijah Burke - This is going to rock. Seriously, why is Burke not getting the love he deserves. He's churning out some consistently awesome TV matches and working smart while he does it. Thank heavens they dropped Terkay, so the star of the team was given a chance to shine. And, uh…yeah. I think Chris Benoit has shown himself to be pretty nifty in the past as well! Benoit opens the match with a rear waistlock takedown. They trade reversals on the mat for a bit and Benoit ends up shoving him into the corner. He moves in, but eats a back elbow. Double l...

AGAINST: The draft. Smackdown got robbed like the Great Train. FOR: The new guys are already in in the credits. AGAINST: Seriously, how do I even approach this? AGAINST: Philly may have been the wrong place to do this in. AGAINST: I'm gonna miss those kids. Good luck on the big show. AGAINST: They're even doing the testimonials? FOR: At least Teddy's was pretty good. FOR: JBL emphasizing getting Torrie Wilson (as, frankly, he should) AGAINST: That was an odd escape by Matt there. FOR: Matt wins! Good match. FOR: MVP continually ducking out of the ring to slow down Batista, and Cole and JBL explaining it as such. AGAINST: The "Rizza"? Who pronounces that phonetically? FOR: The build to the boot Batista over the security wall spot. AGAINST: MVP > Chono? Dubious. FOR: Cole: "Can you imagine what it might be like getting hit by a cannonball?" JBL: "I can imagine what it's like getting hit by Batista." AGAINST: Isn't ...

-We open with a shot of WWE Headquarters. The WWE flag flies at half mast. Amazingly enough, they had the restraint to not fly the US Flag at half mast as well. I'm literally shocked by that. Anyway, if you missed Raw…Vince McMahon? Dead. As a doorknob. A burnt up, crispy doorknob! -Let's see how that entire Vince McMahon being dead thing came about! They replay the entire segment, which of course means we got to see Paul London's inappropriately giant grin again. I think he's hiding something! Get Leslie Nielson on the case! Where's Angela Lansbury when you need her? And that gigantic guy that was standing behind Charlie Haas is apparently Dan Rodimer, for whatever that's worth. At any rate, VINCE GO BOOM! -The announcers are sad. No one else is, though. They tell us that tonight's matches are dedicated to Vince. -10 bell salute. Moment of silence? Not so much. The crowd booed each time the bell was rung. The announcers were both shocked and appalled by thi...

-One Night Stand footage shows Bobby Lashley regaining the ECW title. Yawn. -Opening montage. -Vince McMahon is sitting on a stage. By himself. In a rocking chair. This probably won't end well. Lashley is headed to the ring! Vince doesn't even acknowledge his presence. Bobby Lashley v. Balls Mahoney, Tommy Dreamer & Sandman - Hardcore Handicap match - The Originals grab plunder before rolling in. They whale on Lashley and he bails. He comes in and the mugging continues. Lashley again gets the hell outta Dodge. He suplexes Dreamer, but Sandman cuts him off with cane shots. He and Dreamer suplex Lashley in the floor. Dreamer goes for a whip, but gets reversed into the steps. Balls jumps Lashley and rolls him in. He and Sandman lift Lashley and dump him gutfirst across the top rope. Balls hold on to him as Sandman heads up top, hitting a legdrop. Cover gets two. Vince looks on, his expression unchanged. Lashley is tied to the Tree of Woe. Balls holds a chair in his face and Dr...

FOR: Cartoon Edge in the credits. FOR: Sign of the Week: "Crude, Lewd, and Booed" AGAINST: Vince for president, JBL? FOR: Vince is mad at Edge? AGAINST: Vince's accent. FOR: That very strange Finlay/Hornswaggle video package. FOR: They should always be this short. AGAINST: Cole: "That's not necessary!" AGAINST: Long standing in the background like he's supposed to be there. FOR: The creeped-out look on Kristal's face as Vince enters the office. AGAINST : Vince seeing what Teddy doesn't. FOR: Daivari's still around? AGAINST: Did Noble's arm actually snap? FOR: Cole on 'Tinker to Evers to Chance': "Glad you're using references from the 1930's." JBL: "Actually, the 20s." FOR: JBL giving Noble the Matt Hardy treatment. FOR: SLICED BREAD #3!!! That's what I'm calling it. AGAINST: Is Edge wearing a watch? AGAINST: You know the straits are dire when you're using Steven Hunter in ...