RAWB(Rob)servations 8.22
Hi! I'm Rob T, you know me from...well, hell, hopefully you don't. Butch is picking up things we can't even name from strippers in Vegas right now, so I'm your special guest party host. I did do a couple of RAW recaps for the old, less-lazy OMG, so third time's the charm, right? Right?
Recap of the Slam that is past - ooooh, Hulk and Shawn did the Hand Of Friendship.
And on that note, we cue the music. WELCOME EVERYONE TO RAW, with J.R. Redmond, Royalty Perv, and The Coach on commentary. SEXY BOOY BOOOOY TOY. That's HBK, styling (but who picked out that tie? Seriously.) in the suited and ponytail look. Apparently, as much as he hates to admit it, last night, Hulk Hogan was the better man. Nimble. Quick. "Catch as catch can." THE VICIOUS LEGDROP. Okay, we're up to our watches in sarcasm now. But back to reality, Hogan's off until the next time he has something to promote, so let's...watch as Chris Masters interrupts?
Someone shoot me now.
Masters thinks Hogan and HBK are old. No shit? HBK's facial expressions in this skit > Chris Masters entire existence. Shawn thinks Chris is out here to steal the spotlight from him, which is all cool with HBK. But ON WITH THE LESSON, GREENHORN. HBK = top of the ladder. Masters = below the ladder, around the shoelaces. The air is thin up at the top. Masters retorts with the ever-witty "thin on top" joke about HBK. And HBK OVERSELLS IT. Yes. If we're gonna keep Chris Masters employed, Shawn should be in every one of his promos by federal law. Shawn is cool with it, though, and SLAPS the spotlight right out of Masters. HBK/Masters tonight? Why are we giving away that future Wrestlemania Main Event for free?
Eric and Jericho fume over Jericho almost getting the job done. But tonight, it's all about the celebration. Because Jericho's got his rematch. Oh, and Loser Is FAAAHRED. Oh, and Eric will be at ringside "just to observe." Oh, and there's a bright neon flashing sign saying "This Way To Smackdown, Chrissy".
The Wrangler Jeans rewind is Eugene getting anklelocked out of a few more IQ points (and Angle's medals.). Speaking of Angle...
Our Olympic Hero vs Shelton Benjamin
The two former amateur wrestling athletes bust it up, chain wrestling style, to start. Benjy wins Dance #1 with a backdrop suplex out of a headlock. Dance #2 also goes to him, as he pancakes Angle a few times before they trade arm wringers and he drops Kurt with a pseudo German. Lockup Numero Tres ends up in the corner, Shelton misses a clothesline, Angle tries to release German him, Shelton lands on HIS FEET (now that was sweet) and low bridges Kurt right onto his ass outside the ring!
Gotta pay the bills....
During the Break, Kurt Heelishly Got The Advantage. Whaddashock. Belly to back gets two. Angle tries again, alas only two. Kurt with a pair of Euro uppercuts and a shuffle kick to the skull. Holy monkey is Kurt throwing it down stiff-style tonight. Snap suplex gets two. How about another cover for two? Thank you. Shelton escapes the AnkleLock(tm) and spinebusters Kurt for two. One! Two! THREE Shelton clotheslines, a ha ha ha! Four, five, FIVE Shelton clotheslines, a ha ha ha. Kurt catches Benjy coming into the corner and smacks him in the head for two. Sir Olmypia catches Shelton coming in with the superkick SPINNING HEEL KICK OF DEATH~!
That gets two (and a well Deserved Double Replay.). Shelton heads up top to do something or another...and Angle runs up and belly to bellys him OFF THE TOP. ONETWOTHRE-NO! Butch is hating me as we speak, I'm sure of it. DOWN COME THE STRAPS - time for the Angle Slam - or how 'bout A DDT REVERSAL! JR: "The fat lady isn't singing - she's eating a donut!"
Shelton crawls over after some selling for two. Then he picks Angle up for the fatal blow...yeah, that never works when a face does it. Anklelock, Check please.
Winner By Submission: Kurt Angle
That was simply a tremendous match. Kurt goes for the chair post-match...but only so the ref can re-present the gold medals. Yep.
CHAVO'S~! back. In a golf cart! Muhahahah! HE'S JOHNNY B! Sadly, it was not to be. He's Kerwin White (the flipping fizuck?), and this, I'm sorry to say, kinda sucks. Didn't D'Lo do the whole "better to be white look at me Mr. Sarcastic" thing before? Didn't it suck then, too? "If it's not White...It's Not Right." Pfeh, mothaf.....
Some blondie I don't know walks and is scantily clad. She stops to...fuck if I know, she's wearing sandals. Adjust the straps on her shoes? And Snitzky wanders in. Ah, the girl is Maria, apparently. Snitzky admires the tastiness of her feet...no, really, before the Big Show sneaks his Size 23EEEEE clodhopper in there and chases off the "toe sucking pervert." and defends the honor of the hooker-in-peril. Maria: "What's a pervert?" Oh, Dear Foley Almighty, we go from Shelton/Angle to this?
Matt Hardy is here! And he's walking! And HE'S Next!
Matt Hardy vs Rob Conway
You Think You Know Me hits before Matt even gets all the way in. The Happy Couple joins commentary at ringside. The general theme: Matt is on Life Support. Funny thing, so is this match! And Matt's Career!
Winner by pinfall: Rob Conway (top rope elbowdrop)
And just in case Matt had one tiny shred of manhood left, Edge and Lita drop the beatdown post-match, including a rather vicious meeting of Hardy's head, upsidedown on the apron, between the steps and the apron.
Thankfully, Carlito's Cabana is NEXT!
Carlito's Cabana: Starring Ric Flair: We're in FLAIR COUNTRY, biatch. Carlito proclaims himself better at whooo'ing than Flair (didn't Angle just do this?) and failing the Flair Country test, declares whooing Not Cool. But we're not here to talk about Whooing, we're here to talk about Flair. Who won the world title 16 times, true, but Carlito, being the mad genius that he is, points out that Flair lost sixteen times. "Anyone can win as much as they lose!" Carlito, on the other hand, is a 1 time IC champ, and that means he's never lost the belt and that Is Cool. That Flair's never held, incidentally. (Really?). Carlito reminscenes about watching Flair - Carlito's Dad never liked Flair much, and come to think of it, Carlito doesn't now.
Flair drops in the catchphrase, whoos, and tosses All Night Long (with the ladies of the Caribbean, including Carlito's mama!) in Carlito's face. Carlito responds by *spitting the apple* in Flair's face. That goes about how you'd expect. IT'S A PIERSIX, KATY BAR THE DOOR!
Snitsky vs The Big Show
Yeah, right. You want me to recap this match that was set up by a foot fetish? IT'S...NOT....MY...FAULT! Coach and King getting after JR about his fetishes was infinitely more entertaining than the match itself.
Winner by pinfall: Big Show (reversed snap suplex)
Nope, apparently HBK/Masters is a Masterlock challenge, and it's next week.
The Slam of the Week: winning Diva Search 2K5.
OMG TORRIE AND CANDACE MICHELLE HAVE DEFECTED TO RA...okay, I don't care. Even if CM is kinda cute. Torrie and Candace gloat about jumping brands and stirring up the shiznit. Then they intro the Diva Search winner, Ashley. Ryan, walking by: "Who the fuck is that Avril Laverne wannabe?" I couldn't have put it better myself.
Ashley, upon getting a mic, promptly pledges to follow in the footsteps of Christy Hemme.
....
Okay, I love Christy Hemme like only a future ex-husband could, and even I wanted Butch to be here to reply to that comment.
Anyway, shockingly, Torrie and Candace turn on Ashley. Stay tuned as Mary Kate makes the save next week.
Jericho does the pre-match interview. Cena's gonna be in the bread line, Jericho was the first undisputed champion, and I await the revival of "SMACKDOWN IS JERICHO."
[WWE Title] John Cena (c) vs Chris Jericho (w/Eric Frostytop), "SCREW YOU LOSER, YOU'RE FAAAHRED" match
Staredown to start, Y2J fires off the first slap. And gets punked, natch. Cena spears him down and generally punches the crap out of him until Bischoff grabs the ankle on the whip. Jericho with the rollup AND the feet on the second rope, but he barely gets two. Y2J Puts The Boots(Tm) to the champion as Coach and King ponder whether ex-WWE champions can draw unemployment. Yes, we need to know these things.
Anyhoo, Cena ducks the charge and Jericho does a .9 Flair Flop over the turnbuckles to the floor, Cena tries to attack and gets the low blow from Bisch. COMMMMERICAL BREAK, KING! DAMMIT.
The Lionheart's living large and in charge when we come back. Citizens, count along while Jericho punches Cena! Punch reaches five before the obvious happens. Jericho takes control again with a spinning heel kick. And we're pushing 11 EST, so time for Jericho to counter an F-U to the Walls. Damn that Bischoff, he pulled the ropes away. Is Cena gonna tap? LOOKIT THE INTENSITY! Cena makes the ropes, Bischoff has a semi-coronary.
Cena's back to his feet first...trying for the F-U but can't get him up - F-U! But Jericho's about a half centimeter from the ropes...yep, Bisch puts the foot on the ropes. And the Power Of The Punch in Jericho's hand while the ref's not looking.
Jericho slugs Cena with the Brass Knux....for two. How about another cover? Yep, still two. Bischoff brings the title up on the apron, he and Brian Hebner (I think) play tug of war...even Eugene could see where this one is going. Cena hotshots Jericho into Eric (and the belt), F-U, Enjoy SD!, CJ.
Winner by pinfall: John Cena (retains WWE title and job)
Postmatch, the doctor of Thuganomics watches with disbelief as Bisch...well, it speaks for itself.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'RE FIRED!"
I give it a .85 Vince.
Jericho begs for his job, on his knees. Even appealing to Cena (who gave him an absolutely classic WTF look in response). Sadly, Eric does not try to make Chris apologize...IN DOG LANGUAGE, he just yells for security to toss Jericho, who clings to Eric's legs, still begging and pleading as security drags him out.
Simply tremendous. Cena has been watching in utter disbelief the whole time, uh, yeah, about that GERMAN FUGGING SUPLEX. Angle Pearl Harbors him, Eric declares him Contendor Numero Uno, fin.
The verdict? Angle/Shelton was quite a treat to return on. If we lost the two post Angle/Shelton segs and have Matt Hardy pull a Hannibal on Edge, this show would have been supremely awesome. As it is, two perfectly acceptable matches, Carlito/Flair, and Shawn singlehandedly justifying Chris Masters being employed, if only for a week, was definitely a thumbs up from me.
Back atcha later with an ECW One Night Stand recap. In 7, your usual Cali DJ will be back in the RAWBservations saddle. Till then, take it easy.
Recap of the Slam that is past - ooooh, Hulk and Shawn did the Hand Of Friendship.
And on that note, we cue the music. WELCOME EVERYONE TO RAW, with J.R. Redmond, Royalty Perv, and The Coach on commentary. SEXY BOOY BOOOOY TOY. That's HBK, styling (but who picked out that tie? Seriously.) in the suited and ponytail look. Apparently, as much as he hates to admit it, last night, Hulk Hogan was the better man. Nimble. Quick. "Catch as catch can." THE VICIOUS LEGDROP. Okay, we're up to our watches in sarcasm now. But back to reality, Hogan's off until the next time he has something to promote, so let's...watch as Chris Masters interrupts?
Someone shoot me now.
Masters thinks Hogan and HBK are old. No shit? HBK's facial expressions in this skit > Chris Masters entire existence. Shawn thinks Chris is out here to steal the spotlight from him, which is all cool with HBK. But ON WITH THE LESSON, GREENHORN. HBK = top of the ladder. Masters = below the ladder, around the shoelaces. The air is thin up at the top. Masters retorts with the ever-witty "thin on top" joke about HBK. And HBK OVERSELLS IT. Yes. If we're gonna keep Chris Masters employed, Shawn should be in every one of his promos by federal law. Shawn is cool with it, though, and SLAPS the spotlight right out of Masters. HBK/Masters tonight? Why are we giving away that future Wrestlemania Main Event for free?
Eric and Jericho fume over Jericho almost getting the job done. But tonight, it's all about the celebration. Because Jericho's got his rematch. Oh, and Loser Is FAAAHRED. Oh, and Eric will be at ringside "just to observe." Oh, and there's a bright neon flashing sign saying "This Way To Smackdown, Chrissy".
The Wrangler Jeans rewind is Eugene getting anklelocked out of a few more IQ points (and Angle's medals.). Speaking of Angle...
Our Olympic Hero vs Shelton Benjamin
The two former amateur wrestling athletes bust it up, chain wrestling style, to start. Benjy wins Dance #1 with a backdrop suplex out of a headlock. Dance #2 also goes to him, as he pancakes Angle a few times before they trade arm wringers and he drops Kurt with a pseudo German. Lockup Numero Tres ends up in the corner, Shelton misses a clothesline, Angle tries to release German him, Shelton lands on HIS FEET (now that was sweet) and low bridges Kurt right onto his ass outside the ring!
Gotta pay the bills....
During the Break, Kurt Heelishly Got The Advantage. Whaddashock. Belly to back gets two. Angle tries again, alas only two. Kurt with a pair of Euro uppercuts and a shuffle kick to the skull. Holy monkey is Kurt throwing it down stiff-style tonight. Snap suplex gets two. How about another cover for two? Thank you. Shelton escapes the AnkleLock(tm) and spinebusters Kurt for two. One! Two! THREE Shelton clotheslines, a ha ha ha! Four, five, FIVE Shelton clotheslines, a ha ha ha. Kurt catches Benjy coming into the corner and smacks him in the head for two. Sir Olmypia catches Shelton coming in with the superkick SPINNING HEEL KICK OF DEATH~!
That gets two (and a well Deserved Double Replay.). Shelton heads up top to do something or another...and Angle runs up and belly to bellys him OFF THE TOP. ONETWOTHRE-NO! Butch is hating me as we speak, I'm sure of it. DOWN COME THE STRAPS - time for the Angle Slam - or how 'bout A DDT REVERSAL! JR: "The fat lady isn't singing - she's eating a donut!"
Shelton crawls over after some selling for two. Then he picks Angle up for the fatal blow...yeah, that never works when a face does it. Anklelock, Check please.
Winner By Submission: Kurt Angle
That was simply a tremendous match. Kurt goes for the chair post-match...but only so the ref can re-present the gold medals. Yep.
CHAVO'S~! back. In a golf cart! Muhahahah! HE'S JOHNNY B! Sadly, it was not to be. He's Kerwin White (the flipping fizuck?), and this, I'm sorry to say, kinda sucks. Didn't D'Lo do the whole "better to be white look at me Mr. Sarcastic" thing before? Didn't it suck then, too? "If it's not White...It's Not Right." Pfeh, mothaf.....
Some blondie I don't know walks and is scantily clad. She stops to...fuck if I know, she's wearing sandals. Adjust the straps on her shoes? And Snitzky wanders in. Ah, the girl is Maria, apparently. Snitzky admires the tastiness of her feet...no, really, before the Big Show sneaks his Size 23EEEEE clodhopper in there and chases off the "toe sucking pervert." and defends the honor of the hooker-in-peril. Maria: "What's a pervert?" Oh, Dear Foley Almighty, we go from Shelton/Angle to this?
Matt Hardy is here! And he's walking! And HE'S Next!
Matt Hardy vs Rob Conway
You Think You Know Me hits before Matt even gets all the way in. The Happy Couple joins commentary at ringside. The general theme: Matt is on Life Support. Funny thing, so is this match! And Matt's Career!
Winner by pinfall: Rob Conway (top rope elbowdrop)
And just in case Matt had one tiny shred of manhood left, Edge and Lita drop the beatdown post-match, including a rather vicious meeting of Hardy's head, upsidedown on the apron, between the steps and the apron.
Thankfully, Carlito's Cabana is NEXT!
Carlito's Cabana: Starring Ric Flair: We're in FLAIR COUNTRY, biatch. Carlito proclaims himself better at whooo'ing than Flair (didn't Angle just do this?) and failing the Flair Country test, declares whooing Not Cool. But we're not here to talk about Whooing, we're here to talk about Flair. Who won the world title 16 times, true, but Carlito, being the mad genius that he is, points out that Flair lost sixteen times. "Anyone can win as much as they lose!" Carlito, on the other hand, is a 1 time IC champ, and that means he's never lost the belt and that Is Cool. That Flair's never held, incidentally. (Really?). Carlito reminscenes about watching Flair - Carlito's Dad never liked Flair much, and come to think of it, Carlito doesn't now.
Flair drops in the catchphrase, whoos, and tosses All Night Long (with the ladies of the Caribbean, including Carlito's mama!) in Carlito's face. Carlito responds by *spitting the apple* in Flair's face. That goes about how you'd expect. IT'S A PIERSIX, KATY BAR THE DOOR!
Snitsky vs The Big Show
Yeah, right. You want me to recap this match that was set up by a foot fetish? IT'S...NOT....MY...FAULT! Coach and King getting after JR about his fetishes was infinitely more entertaining than the match itself.
Winner by pinfall: Big Show (reversed snap suplex)
Nope, apparently HBK/Masters is a Masterlock challenge, and it's next week.
The Slam of the Week: winning Diva Search 2K5.
OMG TORRIE AND CANDACE MICHELLE HAVE DEFECTED TO RA...okay, I don't care. Even if CM is kinda cute. Torrie and Candace gloat about jumping brands and stirring up the shiznit. Then they intro the Diva Search winner, Ashley. Ryan, walking by: "Who the fuck is that Avril Laverne wannabe?" I couldn't have put it better myself.
Ashley, upon getting a mic, promptly pledges to follow in the footsteps of Christy Hemme.
....
Okay, I love Christy Hemme like only a future ex-husband could, and even I wanted Butch to be here to reply to that comment.
Anyway, shockingly, Torrie and Candace turn on Ashley. Stay tuned as Mary Kate makes the save next week.
Jericho does the pre-match interview. Cena's gonna be in the bread line, Jericho was the first undisputed champion, and I await the revival of "SMACKDOWN IS JERICHO."
[WWE Title] John Cena (c) vs Chris Jericho (w/Eric Frostytop), "SCREW YOU LOSER, YOU'RE FAAAHRED" match
Staredown to start, Y2J fires off the first slap. And gets punked, natch. Cena spears him down and generally punches the crap out of him until Bischoff grabs the ankle on the whip. Jericho with the rollup AND the feet on the second rope, but he barely gets two. Y2J Puts The Boots(Tm) to the champion as Coach and King ponder whether ex-WWE champions can draw unemployment. Yes, we need to know these things.
Anyhoo, Cena ducks the charge and Jericho does a .9 Flair Flop over the turnbuckles to the floor, Cena tries to attack and gets the low blow from Bisch. COMMMMERICAL BREAK, KING! DAMMIT.
The Lionheart's living large and in charge when we come back. Citizens, count along while Jericho punches Cena! Punch reaches five before the obvious happens. Jericho takes control again with a spinning heel kick. And we're pushing 11 EST, so time for Jericho to counter an F-U to the Walls. Damn that Bischoff, he pulled the ropes away. Is Cena gonna tap? LOOKIT THE INTENSITY! Cena makes the ropes, Bischoff has a semi-coronary.
Cena's back to his feet first...trying for the F-U but can't get him up - F-U! But Jericho's about a half centimeter from the ropes...yep, Bisch puts the foot on the ropes. And the Power Of The Punch in Jericho's hand while the ref's not looking.
Jericho slugs Cena with the Brass Knux....for two. How about another cover? Yep, still two. Bischoff brings the title up on the apron, he and Brian Hebner (I think) play tug of war...even Eugene could see where this one is going. Cena hotshots Jericho into Eric (and the belt), F-U, Enjoy SD!, CJ.
Winner by pinfall: John Cena (retains WWE title and job)
Postmatch, the doctor of Thuganomics watches with disbelief as Bisch...well, it speaks for itself.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'RE FIRED!"
I give it a .85 Vince.
Jericho begs for his job, on his knees. Even appealing to Cena (who gave him an absolutely classic WTF look in response). Sadly, Eric does not try to make Chris apologize...IN DOG LANGUAGE, he just yells for security to toss Jericho, who clings to Eric's legs, still begging and pleading as security drags him out.
Simply tremendous. Cena has been watching in utter disbelief the whole time, uh, yeah, about that GERMAN FUGGING SUPLEX. Angle Pearl Harbors him, Eric declares him Contendor Numero Uno, fin.
The verdict? Angle/Shelton was quite a treat to return on. If we lost the two post Angle/Shelton segs and have Matt Hardy pull a Hannibal on Edge, this show would have been supremely awesome. As it is, two perfectly acceptable matches, Carlito/Flair, and Shawn singlehandedly justifying Chris Masters being employed, if only for a week, was definitely a thumbs up from me.
Back atcha later with an ECW One Night Stand recap. In 7, your usual Cali DJ will be back in the RAWBservations saddle. Till then, take it easy.
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