Smackdown 4.5.01

-Thought I'd amuse myself by posting an old recap from time to time. Just to see how they hold up. This one originally appeared on Rant Central. You know, back when my writing was somewhat interesting? That final sentence sure ends up being humorous in retrospect.

WWF Smackdown! (4/5/01)

-First things first. Happy
birthday to us. Where else can you find Koala bears mixed with
wrestling commentary? Or Jeff Hardy trying to make time with
poor little Link? Not at any of those other fancy sites.
Just us! *goofy thumbs up*

-From the Myriad Convention
Center in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

-Tonight! JR interviews Stone
Cold and Triple H faces Chris Jericho for the Intercontinental
Title. Wow. Even in the graphics for the match, Hunter dwarves
poor, little, Y2J. Hell, it looks like Steph is taller. They
could at least make him look impressive in the graphics.

Kane & The Undertaker v. The
Right to Censor (Steven, Bull & Goodfather) --

A match to start the show. I’m
impressed. Even if it is a handicap match. Eh. Steven makes up
for it by preaching the Word before the match. Meanwhile, Bull
and Goodfather enter the ring and we have a slugfest. Kane and
‘Taker quickly take control and toss both of them over the top
rope. ‘Taker also goes to the floor, but just so that he can
retrieve Steven and roll him in for Kane. Kane sets him up for a
chokeslam, but Bull makes the save. He tries to whip Kane into
the ropes, but it’s countered into a shortarm clothesline. He
flashes back to his days as Fake Diesel, as he lays in a few
lazy back elbows in the corner.

He whips him to the opposite
corner and follows him in with a splash. He takes Bull down with
a sideslam, then goes to the top. He nails his clothesline and
goes for the cover. Goodfather breaks it up though. Kane tags
‘Taker, who comes in swingin’ those soupbones. Bull reverses
a whip, but ends up on the wrong end of a flying clothesline.
‘Taker goes Old School. He connects with the ropewalk
axehandle and follows up with a Russian Legsweep. A Russian
Legsweep? From ‘Taker? That damn near resembles a wrestling
move. Color me impressed. He covers Bull, but Goodfather is in
to make the save once again.

‘Taker doesn’t bother to
sell for him though. He just pops up and starts swinging again.
He forgot about Bull though, who quickly jumps him from behind.
They shove him into the heel corner and lay in the punches.
Steven tags in as ‘Taker fights his way out of the corner. He
takes out Bull and Goodfather, leaving Steven by himself. He
quickly begs off. But ‘Taker is a badass and doesn’t show
any mercy. He nails him with a few punches and whips him into
the corner. He catches him on the rebound and powerslams him.
The cover is broken up once again by Goodfather.

Everyone pours in. After a short
brawl, we get dueling chokeslams from ‘Taker and Kane. Bull
and Goodfather are pretty much done. But Steven is still kickin’.
Literally, as he Stevenkicks Kane. Kane responds by breaking
into a John Denver song. Or, he kicked him in the face. But use
your imagination and see which scenario you prefer. I
thought so. Anyway, ‘Taker follows it up with a Last Ride to
put Steven out of his misery. The cover is academic.

Either I’m in a particularly
good mood, or this wasn’t half-bad. Whichever it is, I have
one word: weird. **1/2

-Vince chats with Steve Austin
and Triple H. For the record, Hunter is planning on kicking
Jericho’s ass and taking his belt, "just because I feel
like it." On the other hand, Austin is looking forward to
talking with his good buddy JR.

-Commercials

-Vince comes out. He runs down
Oklahoma for a long while. He even makes a correlation between
Oklahoma and Zimbabwe. I’m pretty sure that’s a first. Then
he runs us down on WWF current events since the main event at
Wrestlemania. He talks for a depressingly long time before
actually getting to the point. Yes! He actually does have a
point for once! Namely, that he’s indefinitely suspending the
Rock from WWF action, "in the interest of fairness."
Apparently, he doesn’t want to see him get hurt. What a
generous man. Michael Cole is shocked. In the back, JR looks on.
He’s shocked AND appalled.

-Commercials

-Jonathan Coachman interviews
Chyna. She has really big breasts, which WWF cameras are more
than happy to focus on. Oh yeah, I think she says stuff, too.

-Regal pages through the new WWF
Divas magazine, which is probably on sale everywhere. We here a
knock at the door and the Hardyz and Lita come in. Regal is
quite happy to see her. He even gives her a giant blow up of the
magazine cover. He thanks the Hardyz for their effort in TLC II
and calls them a credit to the business. Then he books,
"Jeffrey," into a match against the Big Show as
punishment for them talking to Shane McMahon on last week’s
show.

-Lillian Garcia interviews JR.
He promises to ask the, "tough questions," later on.

-Commercials. KANE ON A SCOOTER!
I repeat, KANE ON A SCOOTER! Also, KANE BUYS GROCERIES!

-Regal approaches Kurt Angle in
his dressing room. He’s apparently booked them into a handicap
match against Chris Benoit. Angle tells him that he wants to get
the win using his anklelock. Regal responds by saying that the
Regal Stretch is also an effective submission hold. Angle finds
this to be amusing. Regal is bemused.

K-Kwik (W/ Gettin’ Rowdy: The
REMIX) v. RhYno --

RhYno immediately kicks Kwik in
the gut. He follows up with some punches before whipping Kwik
into the corner. He charges in after him and hits the
Gore-that-isn’t-a-Gore-because-it’s-just-a-tackle-in-the-corner-when-he-does-it-like-this.
Then he simplifies things and just kicks Kwik in the face. He
whips Kwik into the ropes. Kwik ducks a clothesline and comes
back with a heelkick. Then he lands on RhYno’s head. Looked
painful. I’m betting that the Gore that Kwik gets will be
particularly nasty now.

Kwik takes him down with a
headscissors, then dances. RhYno whips him into the corner and
follows him in. Kwik floats up and over RhYno. Then he dances
some more. He probably shouldn’t have done that. Because when
he turns around, RhYno tries to Gore his liver out. The cover is
pretty much pointless, since Kwik is dead and all. After the
match, Crash Holly runs out. He gets in a bit of offense before
taking a Gore of his own.

Even though he’s fairly
limited in what he can do, I’m starting to dig RhYno. Even
these virtual squashes are fun, because you never know when he
might try to Gore out someone’s liver. **

-Regal and Angle head to the
ring. Oddly enough, their opponent, Chris Benoit, does the same.

-Commercials

-Backstage, Edge and Christian
congratulate RhYno. Christian calls him, "Gore-geous."
That was cheesy even for him. They tell him to go take a shower
and change and they’ll all grab something to eat. RhYno
refuses though. He wants to leave immediately, as is. He grabs
the keys from Edge and storms away. Edge: I’m glad
he’s on our side!" Christian: "Does he
even have a license?" Funny stuff.

William Regal & Kurt Angle
v. Chris Benoit --

Just so you know, Regal is
hosting HeAT this week. Also, FYI, Angle & Regal will both
be in the ring for this one. No tags are necessary. Benoit comes
out. He looks surly, as usual. He faces off with both guys
before deciding to jump Angle. This, of course, allows Regal to
jump him from behind. They beat him down for a few seconds and
Regal whips him into the ropes. He hits a back elbow. Angle gets
a rear waistlock, but Benoit manages to free himself with a
mulekick. Regal charges, but Benoit takes him down and locks in
the Crippler Crossface. Angle quickly breaks it before Regal can
quit.

Benoit ducks a clothesline from
Angle and takes him over with a nasty German suplex. Then, he
has one for Regal. A second for Angle. A second for Regal. One
more for Angle and we finish up with one more for Regal. Benoit
stands over them and basks in the huge pop he gets after this
carnage. He turns to pick up Angle and Regal again jumps him
from behind. Benoit quickly drops him with a punch though, then
posts Angle shoulder first in the corner. Angle flies all the
way to the floor. Regal puts Benoit in a Full Nelson. Benoit
reverses and delivers a Dragon suplex! He goes back to the
Crossface, but Angle is once again in to break it up. Then,
Benoit quickly locks Angle in the Crossface! This time, Regal is
there to break it up.

He kicks Benoit a few times. He
lands a European uppercut that sends Benoit directly into a
German suplex. Michael Cole actually offers a useful tidbit,
telling us that the last time he was in the building, Angle won
the NCAA title. Anyway, the heels stomp away on Benoit. Regal
takes him over with a Butterfly suplex. Angle follows up with a
backdrop suplex. They stomp on him some more before whipping him
into the ropes. He ducks a double clothesline and has another
German for Regal! But Angle is right back with a Belly to Belly!
Regal quickly locks Benoit in the Regal Stretch. Angle sees
this, then simultaneously grabs an anklelock! After a few
seconds, Benoit starts tap-tap-tapping. Angle refuses to let go
of the anklelock. Commish Regal shrugs his shoulders and lets it
go. The refs run out and waste oxygen. Jericho runs out. He
quickly runs off the heels. Then he and Benoit glare at one
another.

Excuse me while I mark out! This
was quite awesome. If they want to do THIS handicap match
weekly, by all means, go right ahead. Even Tazz was marking out
for this one. ****

-Vince wishes JR good luck in
his interview.

-Commercials. Former WCW
superstar Bill Kazmaier thinks that you should be using MET-RX.
So now you know.

-Kevin Kelly interviews Debra.
She refuses to answer any questions pertaining to Austin. Kelly
is confused.

The Big Show v. Jeff Hardy
(W/Matt & Lita) --

Jeff is already limping and
holding his ribs as he comes out. He really needs to borrow some
tape from DDP for those ribs to make it look more believable. He
charges the ring, sliding between Show’s legs. He bounces off
the ropes, but gets caught by Show. He presses Jeff, then tosses
him straight up. Poor Jeff lands face first. Show then whips him
into the corner and follows up with a headbutt. He lays in a few
back elbows in the corner and hits a double arm chokeslam. He
whips Jeff into the ropes again, but this time, Jeff ducks a
clothesline. He nails Show with a missile dropkick, which Show
sells by taking all of one step backwards. Jeff sets up for
something, but ends up on the wrong end of a spinebuster.

Matt is up on the apron. Show
knocks him to the floor and follows him out. He drops him across
the barricade and starts to chase Lita. They re-enter the ring,
where Show tosses the ref to the side when he tries to stop him.
This gives Lita time to go up top. She leaps off. Directly into
a chokeslam. But Jeff saves her before Show can complete the
move. Show slams him and goes up top. He misses a fatass flying,
I don’t know, elbowsmash, I guess. It looked like a big fat
guy jumping off a building. So let’s call it that instead.

Lita goes back to the top. She
connects with a moonsault! Then Matt is up top. He connects with
a flying legdrop! Then Jeff is up top. He crushes Show with a
solid Swanton. Everyone piles on top of Show and the referee
makes a quick three count. Needless to say, Show is pissed. He
chases everyone to the back.

This was okay for what it was.
Nothing special though. **

-Commercials

-Show looks for the Hardyz
backstage. He doesn’t find them though, Perhaps he should have
hired Nancy Drew. I’m sorry. It was right there and I
couldn’t resist. What he does find when he opens a random door
though, is Kane and the Undertaker. They stomp the piss out of
him for awhile. ‘Taker’s comment? "Next time,
KNOCK!" Lessons in etiquette from the Deadman!

X-Factor v. Grandmaster Sexay,
Steve Blackman & Billy Gunn --

Oh joy! We have a six-way brawl
to start. X-Pac and Justin are dumped to the floor. Blackman and
Gunn double suplex Albert and GMS connects with a crossbody.
Rockerplex! Haven’t seen that one for awhile. Anyway, the
heels regroup on the floor. Until GMS pulls X-Pac back into the
ring, that is. He reverses a whip though, and he and GMS
crisscross the ropes for a bit. Eventually, GMS connects with an
enzuigiri. He misses a fistdrop though, allowing X-Pac to tag
Justin. GMS remains in control, taking Justin down with a
Hangman’s neckbreaker.

He tags Blackman, who comes in
with a flapjack on Justin. He follows up with a shoulderblock.
He kicks X-Pac off of the apron, but when he tries to do the
same to Albert, his leg gets caught. X-Pac quickly rolls back in
and takes him down with a spinkick. GMS runs in. He pushes X-Pac
into Albert, knocking him to the floor. Then he goes for a
crossbody on Albert, but gets caught and posted. I guess that
X-Pac is legal now. He’s in the ring with no complaint from
the ref, at any rate. He drops a few quick legdrops on Blackman
and tags Justin. He comes in with a few punches and makes a
quick tag to Albert.

He goes to hiptoss Blackman, who
lands on his feet. He kicks Albert in the gut. Albert comes back
with a clothesline to end that little comeback. He whips
Blackman into the corner and follows him in with a splash. He
also yells loudly while delivering it, because in wrestling,
noisy = painful. Albert slingshots Blackman between the first
and second ropes, which looks all sorts of painful. He tags
X-Pac, who comes in kicking. He makes another quick tag to
Justin. They whip Blackman into the ropes. He ducks a double
clothesline and comes back with a dropkick that takes both guys
down.

He tags in Gunn, who’s the
only person in the corner at this point. I’m not sure where
GMS is. Gunn clotheslines everyone down and gives X-Pac a
Tilt-A-Whirl slam. Justin jumps him from behind, but quickly
falls victim to, "The One and Only." Gunn clotheslines
Albert over the top. Then X-Pac does the same to him. Blackman
yanks X-Pac to the floor and everyone brawls. In the ring, GMS
goes to the top. He nails the prone Justin with a Hip-Hop Drop.
Gunn rolls back in and makes the cover. Albert breaks it up.
X-Pac sneaks in and gives Gunn an X-Factor. Justin rolls on top
to get the win.

This was nothing that you really
need to see. It was relatively inoffensive though. *1/2

-Backstage, Jericho stretches in
preparation for his match. Steph walks up. Oh my! Days like this
are why I like her. She’s looking damn fine. Anyway, I’ll
stop being a slavering fanboy and get on with things. She wishes
him luck against Triple H. He tells her that if she interferes,
he’ll make her scream, "louder than your Assclown of a
husband ever, ever has." Well okay then.

-Commercial break

-Austin and Vince chat about JR
for a few seconds. Austin walks out and Steph comes in. She has
a tape that Linda apparently made for Vince. She warns him not
to watch it. But he wants to anyway. So she pops it into the
conveniently placed VCR that just happens to be set up and ready
to go. Linda tells him that she’s mentally fine now and back
in her role as CEO. She says that she’s proud of Shane for
standing up to him. She says the word, "gonad." I
can’t help but laugh when I picture Linda Mac say gonad. She
lets us know that she’ll be on Raw to confront him. Mick Foley
then enters the picture. He’s carrying a tray with two
grapefruits and a knife on it. This is leading nowhere good. She
then cuts the grapefruits in half, in the ultimate symbolism.
Vince looks down at his groin and he and Steph comically
grimace. What a strange family.

-JR heads to the ring!

-Commercials

-JR apparently feels the need to
suck up to the hometown fans, as he comes out to the OU fight
song. He gets an amazing pop for an announcer. He gets right to
business, calling out Austin. I am heavily paraphrasing here,
just so you know. He opens with the obvious question: Why side
with Vince? Austin says that Vince is his insurance policy and
that he’d have been stupid to walk into ‘Mania without one.
Ross asks him if he feels any regret after turning his back on
the fans. Austin makes a good point, saying, "when have
you EVER heard me say that I wanted to be these people’s hero?
When have you heard me say that I care about and love WWF
fans?" JR gets flippant, saying, "That’s your
prerogative, Steve." Austin: "Are you
sassin’ me?" JR then asks how Austin can align
himself with HHH after all he’s done in the past year. Austin
reasons that if HHH was sick enough to try to take him
out, that he’s a man you should have on your side.

He starts running down JR,
making fun of his hat and his, "stupid, little belt
buckle." He says that JR looks like he’s lost his
best friend. JR: "Well you know, maybe I
have." Austin doesn’t like that answer too much. JR
runs down the various instances that HE was the only one in the
WWF who was there for Austin after his surgery. Austin asks JR
if he’s saying that he doesn’t want to be friends with him
simply because he’s, "turned up the voltage." JR:
"I never said that." *Austin knocks off his
cowboy hat, then yanks off his glasses* Austin: "Does
that make you mad?" *JR shakes his head sadly* Austin:
"You want to punch me, Hillbilly Boy, right in your
hometown?" JR: "I
think this interview was a mistake. Interview over."

Austin apparently disagrees, as
he attacks JR from behind. He proceeds to stomp a mudhole in
him, but Vince is out before he can walk it dry. Vince doesn’t
look happy. But it’s a swerve! He just wants to tell Austin to
stop taking it easy on JR and that he should bust him open.
Austin is more than happy to oblige and does in fact bust JR
open. Austin takes off his belt and chokes JR with it briefly.
The refs are out, but they’re just taking up space. Austin
finishes up this OLD SCHOOL beatdown with a kick to the nuts. He
shoves the WWF belt in JR’s face before walking away.
Backstage, Steph and Triple H find this all quite amusing. This
was a great, great segment. Totally predictable, but simply
awesome anyway.

-Commercials

-Backstage, EMTs check on JR.

Triple H (W/Steph) v. Chris
Jericho -- Intercontinental Title Match --

As Jericho stands on the apron,
pandering to the crowd, Hunter attacks. He sends Jericho flying
into the barricade, then follows him to the floor. He rams him
into the steps and gives him a Stun Gun across the barricade
before rolling him back into the ring. He shoves Jericho into
the corner and stomps on him for a bit. He whips him to the
opposite corner, but Jericho rebounds out with a clothesline. He
hits a second and follows up with a series of punches from the
mount. He hits a few punches and whips Hunter into the ropes. He
sets his head early though, and Hunter responds with a kick to
the face. He charges him, but Jericho backdrops him to the
floor.

Hunter gets back onto the apron,
but Jericho drives him back to the floor with a springboard
dropkick. He climbs to the top and takes Hunter out with a
crossbody to the floor. He whips him into the steps, then rams
him into the announce table. Jericho lands a series of punches
on top of the table, until Hunter simply shoves him away.
Jericho rolls him back into the ring. He goes up top again, but
Hunter swats his missile dropkick away. Jericho sells the knee,
though nothing comes of it.

Hunter chokes him in the ropes
and Steph adds a slap for good measure. Jericho starts to fight
back, but Hunter DDTs him to stay in control. He makes the
cover, but Jericho is out at two. Hunter backs him into the
corner and lays in some more punches. He locks Jericho in a
sleeper, but Jericho elbows his way free. Hunter knees him in
the gut to end the comeback. He whips Jericho into the ropes.
Jericho ducks a clothesline and comes back with a flying forearm
smash. He lands a few punches, but Hunter comes back with a
facebuster.

He sets up for a Pedigree, but
Jericho trips him up and goes for the Walls of Jericho. He
can’t turn him over though, so he slingshots him into the
corner instead. He bulldogs Hunter and follows up with a
Lionsault. Steph distracts the referee though, preventing a
cover. Jericho goes after her and Hunter is back to his feet.
Jericho ducks his clothesline attempt and successfully locks in
the Walls of Jericho. The ref is still distracted, missing
Hunter tapping out. Commish Regal comes out carrying a chair.
Jericho sees him coming though. He knocks the chair out of his
hands, then picks it up himself.

He nails Regal with it. Steph
comes in and gets put into the Walls as well. Hunter grabs the
chair and hits Jericho with it. The referee is oblivious to all
of this. Hunter makes the cover, but Jericho manages to get out
at two. Hunter follows up with a Pedigree to seal the deal. He
pins Jericho to become the three time IC Champion. In the back,
Austin looks on. He’s quite pleased with the way things turned
out. Hunter and Steph stand victorious in the middle of the ring
as we fade out.

Another PPV caliber match. I
guess if you have no competition, giving stuff like this away
for free no longer matters. Aside from the wackiness at the end,
this was one of the better TV matches we’ve gotten in awhile.
If Jericho can remain motivated, this is has chance to shine.
Rock will be gone for a few weeks, making him the de facto
number two/three face behind only ‘Taker and perhaps Kane.
Let’s see if he can run with the ball. ****

Final Thoughts --

This was the best Smackdown in a
long time. Maybe it was just the post-‘Mania excitement that
was carried over, but it seemed that everyone was putting in
that little bit extra in their matches. Even the six man, which
had no one I’m even vaguely interested in, wasn’t all that
bad. The Austin segment fully cemented him as a heel. He was as
big a bastard as anyone I’ve ever seen. High praise indeed. If
he can keep it up, he’ll be one of the best heels in this
business. It seems like he wants everyone to hate him,
which is always a good sign. I, for one, am excited about the
near future in the WWF. Of course, the return of WCW is looming.
Depending on how they end up doing that, this might be one of
the most exciting summers that this business has ever seen.