ECW on Sci-Fi (7.25.06)
-Tonight, Big Show defends the ECW Title against Kane. Ooh! They should bring in Kamala next week. Is Boogeyman ready to come back yet? Maybe Papa Shango can make his triumphant return. Or get a bit goofy and bring in Rasta the Voodoo Man. Or old school and give us the Missing Link! Wrestling needs more freaks, by god!
-Opening Montage.
-Mike Knox is in the ring with Kelly². He shows a montage of her dancing, but says that she'll never get nekkid in public again. Well really...what other talent does she have? You're robbing her of her destiny, you soulless cretin. He shows clips of Sandman caning her and lets her know that he didn't abandon her. He actually ran to the back to get the EMTs. I withdraw my cretin comment. He's obviously a gentleman, if not a scholar.
Mike Knox (w/K²) v. Sandman -
Ref takes the cane from Sandman, so I guess this isn't Extreme Rules. Knox attacks, pounding Sandman down. He fires back, hitting a Russian legsweep. Sandman rolls to the floor to grab the cane. K² is on the apron. Not sure if she's afraid of Sandman or what, as no one bothers to explain the motivations behind these things.
K² climbs in and climbs on top of Knox for no apparent reason. Sandman nearly canes her, but stops short when he sees boobs. Test runs in and jumps Sandman. I guess that's a DQ. Hells beat Sandman down and Test plants him with the TKO.
-Commercials
-Backstage, Knox and Test celebrate. Tommy Dreamer jumps him. Security pulls him off and that's the last we hear about that.
-Elsewhere, Sabu has apparently requested a title shot versus Show. Heyman says that he can't, no...*won't* book that match and officially gives Sabu the night off. Heyman walks away. He goes by Little Guido, who's stretching. Heyman accuses him of doubting his rule. Guido tells him he has no problems with Heyman, but the riot squad attack him. And the damndest thing is...Guido's match is NEXT! Heyman has the riot squad drag him to the ring.
-Commercials
-CM Punk promo. He debuts next week. HUZZAH!
Nameless Vampire Dude (w/Ariel) v. Little Guido -
The Vamp stomps Guido's corpse down just a little bit more. Just an aside, but Ariel is awesomely slutty. What a girl. Guido tries to mount a comeback, but Vamp catches his foot and hoists him into a powerbomb. He hits a wicked elevated Stunner (similar to Nigel McGuinness' Tower of London, except done off the ropes instead of the corner.). And that's apparently *not* his finisher. Okay, then. Not sure how he's gonna kill Guido any deader.
He beats Guido down a bit more, then finishes him off with a crucifix powerbomb. Isn't that what he used when he wrestled as Mordecai? I honestly can't remember (and don't feel like looking it up). They should acknowledge the former gimmick. Not like Mordecai couldn't have been bitten by a vampire, after all. Anyway, Ariel = awesome. The match? Not so much.
-Video package on Kane.
-Commercials
-Shannon Moore's shadow isn't quite a spooky as the man himself. He stares into the camera. SPOOKY!
Justin Credible (sans entrance) v. Balls Mahoney -
Justin starts fast, but Balls dumps him with a big powerslam. He also kicks him right in the face. I never argue with that. Just fires back, but gets taken over the top by a leg lariat. Balls tosses him in (by the ears), but gets cut off. Justin hits him with a series of legdrops, then spikes him with a spinning DDT. Cover gets two.
Justin follows up with a Northern Lights suplex and gets another nearfall. He yanks Balls down by the hair and nails him with a seated dropkick for two. Justin sure isn't afraid to bust out the restholds in this one. Balls plants him with a back suplex and follows with a sitout spinebuster. He covers, but Justin is in the ropes.
Balls argues with the referee. The distraction allows Justin to land a kick. He places Balls in the corner, but misses his baseball slide dropkick as usual, crotching himself on the post. The ref is eventually bumped and Justin grabs a chair. Balls kicks it away and blasts Justin with the chair. Ref sees it and calls for the DQ. Balls then blasts him with the chair as well.
How did they randomly decide that Balls was the "original" ECW guy who'd actually get a push? That's bizarre.
-Backstage, Big Show tells Heyman that he wants Sabu. Heyman asks him to believe in his vision and to worry about Kane.
-Tale of the tape for the main event. When did Kane become 7'0"?
-Commercials
-Next week, Kurt Angle returns to action. Yeah, what a nice, long relaxing break that turned out to be. *sigh*
Big Show v. Kane - ECW Title (Extreme Rules) -
Christ. Show bores me so much at this point. To sum up, this is two big guys hitting one another. They can't even amuse me by stiffing the shit out of one another. Just a slow-mo brawl that we've seen a billion times. Not even going to bother with the first half of the match, as nothing happened that's worth me mentioning.
-Commercials
Kane wedges a chair in the corner, but ends up being tossed into it himself. Show climbs to the second rope. Kane low blows him, then dumps him with a back suplex. Cover gets two. Both guys go for the goozle, but Show is just TOO STRONG. He chokeslams Kane, then rolls to the floor and sets up a pair of tables at ringside. He tries to suplex Kane over the top, but Kane blocks and snaps Show's throat across the top rope.
Kane grabs a chair and whacks Show a few times, sending him tumbling off the apron and through the tables. Paul Heyman is out. Show is a bloody mess. Kane heads up top. He comes off with a clothesline, but gets caught in a goozle. He counters the chokeslam into a DDT. Cover, but Heyman yanks the ref out. Probably because Show was clearly under the bottom rope. Stupid ref.
Kane grabs Heyman. Show is back up, holding a chair. He nails Kane a few times, then chokeslams him onto the chair for the win. Postmatch, he looks ready to continue the beatdown. He turns, though, and Sabu comes off the top and dropkicks a chair into his face. He bails and heads to the back. In the ring, Show looks really, really ANGRY! Or perhaps constipated. Tough to tell.
Even trying to be optimistic, this week's show kinda sucked. I am looking forward to Punk next week, though.
-Opening Montage.
-Mike Knox is in the ring with Kelly². He shows a montage of her dancing, but says that she'll never get nekkid in public again. Well really...what other talent does she have? You're robbing her of her destiny, you soulless cretin. He shows clips of Sandman caning her and lets her know that he didn't abandon her. He actually ran to the back to get the EMTs. I withdraw my cretin comment. He's obviously a gentleman, if not a scholar.
Mike Knox (w/K²) v. Sandman -
Ref takes the cane from Sandman, so I guess this isn't Extreme Rules. Knox attacks, pounding Sandman down. He fires back, hitting a Russian legsweep. Sandman rolls to the floor to grab the cane. K² is on the apron. Not sure if she's afraid of Sandman or what, as no one bothers to explain the motivations behind these things.
K² climbs in and climbs on top of Knox for no apparent reason. Sandman nearly canes her, but stops short when he sees boobs. Test runs in and jumps Sandman. I guess that's a DQ. Hells beat Sandman down and Test plants him with the TKO.
-Commercials
-Backstage, Knox and Test celebrate. Tommy Dreamer jumps him. Security pulls him off and that's the last we hear about that.
-Elsewhere, Sabu has apparently requested a title shot versus Show. Heyman says that he can't, no...*won't* book that match and officially gives Sabu the night off. Heyman walks away. He goes by Little Guido, who's stretching. Heyman accuses him of doubting his rule. Guido tells him he has no problems with Heyman, but the riot squad attack him. And the damndest thing is...Guido's match is NEXT! Heyman has the riot squad drag him to the ring.
-Commercials
-CM Punk promo. He debuts next week. HUZZAH!
Nameless Vampire Dude (w/Ariel) v. Little Guido -
The Vamp stomps Guido's corpse down just a little bit more. Just an aside, but Ariel is awesomely slutty. What a girl. Guido tries to mount a comeback, but Vamp catches his foot and hoists him into a powerbomb. He hits a wicked elevated Stunner (similar to Nigel McGuinness' Tower of London, except done off the ropes instead of the corner.). And that's apparently *not* his finisher. Okay, then. Not sure how he's gonna kill Guido any deader.
He beats Guido down a bit more, then finishes him off with a crucifix powerbomb. Isn't that what he used when he wrestled as Mordecai? I honestly can't remember (and don't feel like looking it up). They should acknowledge the former gimmick. Not like Mordecai couldn't have been bitten by a vampire, after all. Anyway, Ariel = awesome. The match? Not so much.
-Video package on Kane.
-Commercials
-Shannon Moore's shadow isn't quite a spooky as the man himself. He stares into the camera. SPOOKY!
Justin Credible (sans entrance) v. Balls Mahoney -
Justin starts fast, but Balls dumps him with a big powerslam. He also kicks him right in the face. I never argue with that. Just fires back, but gets taken over the top by a leg lariat. Balls tosses him in (by the ears), but gets cut off. Justin hits him with a series of legdrops, then spikes him with a spinning DDT. Cover gets two.
Justin follows up with a Northern Lights suplex and gets another nearfall. He yanks Balls down by the hair and nails him with a seated dropkick for two. Justin sure isn't afraid to bust out the restholds in this one. Balls plants him with a back suplex and follows with a sitout spinebuster. He covers, but Justin is in the ropes.
Balls argues with the referee. The distraction allows Justin to land a kick. He places Balls in the corner, but misses his baseball slide dropkick as usual, crotching himself on the post. The ref is eventually bumped and Justin grabs a chair. Balls kicks it away and blasts Justin with the chair. Ref sees it and calls for the DQ. Balls then blasts him with the chair as well.
How did they randomly decide that Balls was the "original" ECW guy who'd actually get a push? That's bizarre.
-Backstage, Big Show tells Heyman that he wants Sabu. Heyman asks him to believe in his vision and to worry about Kane.
-Tale of the tape for the main event. When did Kane become 7'0"?
-Commercials
-Next week, Kurt Angle returns to action. Yeah, what a nice, long relaxing break that turned out to be. *sigh*
Big Show v. Kane - ECW Title (Extreme Rules) -
Christ. Show bores me so much at this point. To sum up, this is two big guys hitting one another. They can't even amuse me by stiffing the shit out of one another. Just a slow-mo brawl that we've seen a billion times. Not even going to bother with the first half of the match, as nothing happened that's worth me mentioning.
-Commercials
Kane wedges a chair in the corner, but ends up being tossed into it himself. Show climbs to the second rope. Kane low blows him, then dumps him with a back suplex. Cover gets two. Both guys go for the goozle, but Show is just TOO STRONG. He chokeslams Kane, then rolls to the floor and sets up a pair of tables at ringside. He tries to suplex Kane over the top, but Kane blocks and snaps Show's throat across the top rope.
Kane grabs a chair and whacks Show a few times, sending him tumbling off the apron and through the tables. Paul Heyman is out. Show is a bloody mess. Kane heads up top. He comes off with a clothesline, but gets caught in a goozle. He counters the chokeslam into a DDT. Cover, but Heyman yanks the ref out. Probably because Show was clearly under the bottom rope. Stupid ref.
Kane grabs Heyman. Show is back up, holding a chair. He nails Kane a few times, then chokeslams him onto the chair for the win. Postmatch, he looks ready to continue the beatdown. He turns, though, and Sabu comes off the top and dropkicks a chair into his face. He bails and heads to the back. In the ring, Show looks really, really ANGRY! Or perhaps constipated. Tough to tell.
Even trying to be optimistic, this week's show kinda sucked. I am looking forward to Punk next week, though.
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