Raw In 90 Seconds
Voice of Not Zach de la Rocha: Are you ready?
Crowd: YES!
VoNZdlR: Cool. BREAK IT DOWN!
Shawn: Hey, everybody! Going solo this week. Semi-shoot, semi-shoot, semi-shoot!
Coach: Un momento there, flyboy.
Tom Jones: IT'S NOT UNUUUUUUUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE...
Shawn: snark snark snark 4 numbers FOR YA!
Crowd: 1997!
Coach: You wrestle.
Shawn: The cheerleaders.
Coach: No, me. ME?! WTF, Vince?!
Shawn: blinks
Shawn: blinks
Shawn: blinks
Shawn: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Spirit Squad: 2, 4, 6, 8, this asskicking's going to be great!
Highlanders: Hongi!
Crowd: Hongi?
Highlanders: Oh, right. Hongi in a Scottish accent!
Squad: Dominance!
Shawn: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Highlanders: Hot tag! Finish him!
Squad: Distraction measures! pummel Rory & Roby
Christopher Daniels: That was fucking horrible.
Squad: WIN Yeaaaaaaaaaaa! Sound the airhorn! do so
Mick Foley: Hey, Granpa Munster--get some insight from this century. I'd call you a pathetic has-been but that would be an insult to M. Night Shamalayan. You will get nothing and like it!
Ric Flair: WHOO!
Everybody: WHOO!
Flair: Less chat, more splat, stuntman. And furthermore--
Lita: You blink, you blow me.
Alter Bridge: On this day, I see clearly...
Edge: What part of get nothing and like it failed to register with your ass? I'm the WWE champion who is keeping this monstrosity of a title for no good reason, and in addition to my wrestling prowess NOW!
Johnny Nitro: Dur, sure thing, boss.
Shawn: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Flair: I don't think so, motherfu--
Edge & Nitro: pummel
Cena: What's up now, sucker ducks?!
Edge & Nitro: flee
Carlito: Trish, la gringa bonita, ¿que onda, mami?
Trish: I only speak English & Canadian.
Carlito: Oh.
Trish: See you after your match?
Carlito: Sure.
Trish: That's cool.
Carlito: Seriously.
Coach: Main event tag, Edge.
Edge: I am displeased and shocked!
Coach: Really? I thought everybody and Ray Charles would've seen that match coming. Now leave, I have to finish writing my last will and testament.
Shelton: Hey, you better watch Buckwheat this time.
Ref: I know, I know, I know...
Carlito: Flash pin!
Shelton: No!
Carlito: DIFFERENT flash pin!
Shelton: No!
Carlito: Another flash
Shelton: WOULD YOU STOP with the damn flash pins?! Got your arm!
Carlito: That's not cool.
Shelton: The ringpost is. CLANG! Single-arm DDT! Ha! I've got this one won!
Shawn: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Carlito: Flatliner! And now, my devastating array of high-flying maneuvers! Bam! Piff! Zow! Sound effect!
Matt Hardy: What effect?
Carlito: Shut up and finish mowing my lawn.
Shelton: I liked you a lot better that year you never had a finisher or left your feet or anything.
Carlito: Coup de gras!
Shelton: FUJIWARA!
Carlito: Oh, balls. Ropes! Ropes! Ropes? Oh, shit...c'mon...ropes! AHA! Lungblower!
Shelton: I don't think so, because you see as a former All-American my astute sense of timing, combined with a rarely seen athleticism provies my body with kiniestiolgic instincts to
Carlito: LUNGBLOWER I TELL YOU! HA!
Shelton: Ropes!
Carlito: Dat's not right!
Shelton: I'm taking off the pad!
Carlito: No, I am the one who is taking off the pad!
Shelton: Gotcha! Slingshot into the ref!
Ref: Eep!
Carlito: Hold up.
Ref: Whew.
Carlito: Moonsault!
Shelton: Mule kick!
Carlito: Oh, no.
Shelton: I'm just kidding.
Carlito: Good, I was about to go see Trish after this and
Shelton: MULE KICK Sometimes, I almost feel guilty. Say hi to Pillow Pants for me!
Hogan: Well, you know something, brother? Randy Orton's a dead man at Summerslam, brother. And brother, can my daughter sing, brother!
Orton: I'm totally about to Donkey Punch that bitch. And she'll love it. Right, girls?
Girls: SQUEEEEEEEEEE!
Orton: You see that shit? Bitches love me.
Hogan: Get in the ring.
Orton: Don't wanna. Lawler, get back, get back, you don't know me like that.
Lawler: On the one hand, that's true. On the other, fuck it.
Hogan, Everybody: YOU!
Orton: Ah, hell.
Hogan: Punch! Punch! Punch! BOOT!
Orton: NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE FACE! flees
Mickie: Hmmm...need vegetables. Tomatoes? No. Carrots? Eh. Rutabaga? Wait a second, rutabaga? That's still around? Oh, I know what I want: SQUASH SQUASH SQUASH SQUASH SQUASH.
Candice: Ow.
Shawn: HAHAHA
Shawn: No pyro! No intro?! You gonna die. Mickie, lemme borrow that shopping list.
Coach: But I'm allergic!
Shawn: A chance I'm willing to take.
60% of the Spirit Squad: AAAAAAAAAAAA!
Shawn: OK....calmly sidesteps
Other 40% of the Spirit Squad: AAAAAAAA!
Shawn: I thought I said calmly sidesteps! Hey, you there! SUPERKICK!
Coach: I had this horrible nightmare...I was dressed up like a peacock and I got kidnapped, and then...
Shawn: SUPERKICK! This crotch chop's for you.
Umaga: Boo. press Samoan drop
Shawn: OW.
Umaga: THUMB!
Shawn: Gack.
Maria: Hi, John.
Cena: recaps the show
Show Recapper: Thank God I'm busting my ass tonight. looks at the Property of K. Bell! autograph on his forearm with a smile on his face. Preciouuuuusssssssss...our preciousssssssssss...
Miz: annoying
Random Slut: Bye.
M and N: strike a pose
M: splits
Male Pants Everywhere: What a fine idea.
Edge: I find the spinner amusing.
Flair: WHOO!
Cena: SALUTE!
Guys: BOO!
Girls, Children: YAY!
Cena: Don't be hatin'.
Referee: I think it's important with this being our main event match and Cleveland being one of our biggest towns in terms of devotion and merch sales that we don't allow this caliber of a contest to deteriorate into
Everybody: Pier 4 brawl
Referee: *sigh* Could've stayed in dental school, but noooooooo!
Faces: I wish that I knew what I now know, when I was younger...
Everybody: WTF, mate?
Recapper: My bad.
Faces: clear house
Heels: But the commercial break gives us superpowers!
Flair: Hey, punk, have some dinner! CHOP!
Nitro: Owie.
Flair: CHOP AGAIN!
Nitro: No more!
Flair: 'K.
Nitro: whew
Flair: CHOP
Nitro: Hey!
Flair: Ah, you didn't let me finish--BLOCK!
Nitro: ....I was better off the way things were. :(
Flair: And NOW! figure-four
Edge: Or NOT!
Cena: I got you now!
Edge: Sidestep! Hey, Ric! What do you and Lita have in common?
Flair: We've gotten it on with strippers? I have no idea.
Edge: I SPEAR YOU! HA! VICTORY IS MINE!
Cena: Not so fast there, Dr. Teeth.
Flair: I need to bail.
Cena: Ref! Hey, ref!
Lita & Melina: double-team Ric
Flair: In my mind's eye things were going quite differently when I heard those five words. Ow.
Edge: I got you now, old man! What's it like knowing the NEW World Champ just destroyed the old one?! HUH!?
Flair: Let me ask my buddy here.
Flair's Buddy: CHOP.
Edge: Now that you mention it...I think I'm bleeding inside my chest.
Flair: Tag!
Crowd: YAYBOOYAY
Dan Patrick: John Cena is--dare I say--en fuego.
Cena: You can't see me!
Lita & Melina: Hey, ref! You heard him! You can't see him!
Referee: Ladies, I don't mean to brag, but I was top 5 in my dental school class...
Edge: CHAIR!
Nitro: WIN!
Cena: NO!
Nitro: Pfft. He just got hit with a chair! Time to signal for my finisher! Wait a minute, I don't have the other guy--what the hell is my finisher? What the fuck am I signaling for?!
Cena: YOINK! STFU!
Edge: Noooo! Here I come, Joh--oh, shit, what the--
Flair: I DON'T THINK SO, MOTHERFUCKER! WHOO!
Nitro: Stupid irony. taps
Flair: I got the win!
Cena: I got him to tap!
Edge: I got the belt!
Nitro: ...I still got Melina!
Edge, Cena, Flair: He wins.
Crowd: YES!
VoNZdlR: Cool. BREAK IT DOWN!
Shawn: Hey, everybody! Going solo this week. Semi-shoot, semi-shoot, semi-shoot!
Coach: Un momento there, flyboy.
Tom Jones: IT'S NOT UNUUUUUUUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE...
Shawn: snark snark snark 4 numbers FOR YA!
Crowd: 1997!
Coach: You wrestle.
Shawn: The cheerleaders.
Coach: No, me. ME?! WTF, Vince?!
Shawn: blinks
Shawn: blinks
Shawn: blinks
Shawn: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Spirit Squad: 2, 4, 6, 8, this asskicking's going to be great!
Highlanders: Hongi!
Crowd: Hongi?
Highlanders: Oh, right. Hongi in a Scottish accent!
Squad: Dominance!
Shawn: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Highlanders: Hot tag! Finish him!
Squad: Distraction measures! pummel Rory & Roby
Christopher Daniels: That was fucking horrible.
Squad: WIN Yeaaaaaaaaaaa! Sound the airhorn! do so
Mick Foley: Hey, Granpa Munster--get some insight from this century. I'd call you a pathetic has-been but that would be an insult to M. Night Shamalayan. You will get nothing and like it!
Ric Flair: WHOO!
Everybody: WHOO!
Flair: Less chat, more splat, stuntman. And furthermore--
Lita: You blink, you blow me.
Alter Bridge: On this day, I see clearly...
Edge: What part of get nothing and like it failed to register with your ass? I'm the WWE champion who is keeping this monstrosity of a title for no good reason, and in addition to my wrestling prowess NOW!
Johnny Nitro: Dur, sure thing, boss.
Shawn: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Flair: I don't think so, motherfu--
Edge & Nitro: pummel
Cena: What's up now, sucker ducks?!
Edge & Nitro: flee
Carlito: Trish, la gringa bonita, ¿que onda, mami?
Trish: I only speak English & Canadian.
Carlito: Oh.
Trish: See you after your match?
Carlito: Sure.
Trish: That's cool.
Carlito: Seriously.
Coach: Main event tag, Edge.
Edge: I am displeased and shocked!
Coach: Really? I thought everybody and Ray Charles would've seen that match coming. Now leave, I have to finish writing my last will and testament.
Shelton: Hey, you better watch Buckwheat this time.
Ref: I know, I know, I know...
Carlito: Flash pin!
Shelton: No!
Carlito: DIFFERENT flash pin!
Shelton: No!
Carlito: Another flash
Shelton: WOULD YOU STOP with the damn flash pins?! Got your arm!
Carlito: That's not cool.
Shelton: The ringpost is. CLANG! Single-arm DDT! Ha! I've got this one won!
Shawn: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Carlito: Flatliner! And now, my devastating array of high-flying maneuvers! Bam! Piff! Zow! Sound effect!
Matt Hardy: What effect?
Carlito: Shut up and finish mowing my lawn.
Shelton: I liked you a lot better that year you never had a finisher or left your feet or anything.
Carlito: Coup de gras!
Shelton: FUJIWARA!
Carlito: Oh, balls. Ropes! Ropes! Ropes? Oh, shit...c'mon...ropes! AHA! Lungblower!
Shelton: I don't think so, because you see as a former All-American my astute sense of timing, combined with a rarely seen athleticism provies my body with kiniestiolgic instincts to
Carlito: LUNGBLOWER I TELL YOU! HA!
Shelton: Ropes!
Carlito: Dat's not right!
Shelton: I'm taking off the pad!
Carlito: No, I am the one who is taking off the pad!
Shelton: Gotcha! Slingshot into the ref!
Ref: Eep!
Carlito: Hold up.
Ref: Whew.
Carlito: Moonsault!
Shelton: Mule kick!
Carlito: Oh, no.
Shelton: I'm just kidding.
Carlito: Good, I was about to go see Trish after this and
Shelton: MULE KICK Sometimes, I almost feel guilty. Say hi to Pillow Pants for me!
Hogan: Well, you know something, brother? Randy Orton's a dead man at Summerslam, brother. And brother, can my daughter sing, brother!
Orton: I'm totally about to Donkey Punch that bitch. And she'll love it. Right, girls?
Girls: SQUEEEEEEEEEE!
Orton: You see that shit? Bitches love me.
Hogan: Get in the ring.
Orton: Don't wanna. Lawler, get back, get back, you don't know me like that.
Lawler: On the one hand, that's true. On the other, fuck it.
Hogan, Everybody: YOU!
Orton: Ah, hell.
Hogan: Punch! Punch! Punch! BOOT!
Orton: NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE FACE! flees
Mickie: Hmmm...need vegetables. Tomatoes? No. Carrots? Eh. Rutabaga? Wait a second, rutabaga? That's still around? Oh, I know what I want: SQUASH SQUASH SQUASH SQUASH SQUASH.
Candice: Ow.
Shawn: HAHAHA
Shawn: No pyro! No intro?! You gonna die. Mickie, lemme borrow that shopping list.
Coach: But I'm allergic!
Shawn: A chance I'm willing to take.
60% of the Spirit Squad: AAAAAAAAAAAA!
Shawn: OK....calmly sidesteps
Other 40% of the Spirit Squad: AAAAAAAA!
Shawn: I thought I said calmly sidesteps! Hey, you there! SUPERKICK!
Coach: I had this horrible nightmare...I was dressed up like a peacock and I got kidnapped, and then...
Shawn: SUPERKICK! This crotch chop's for you.
Umaga: Boo. press Samoan drop
Shawn: OW.
Umaga: THUMB!
Shawn: Gack.
Maria: Hi, John.
Cena: recaps the show
Show Recapper: Thank God I'm busting my ass tonight. looks at the Property of K. Bell! autograph on his forearm with a smile on his face. Preciouuuuusssssssss...our preciousssssssssss...
Miz: annoying
Random Slut: Bye.
M and N: strike a pose
M: splits
Male Pants Everywhere: What a fine idea.
Edge: I find the spinner amusing.
Flair: WHOO!
Cena: SALUTE!
Guys: BOO!
Girls, Children: YAY!
Cena: Don't be hatin'.
Referee: I think it's important with this being our main event match and Cleveland being one of our biggest towns in terms of devotion and merch sales that we don't allow this caliber of a contest to deteriorate into
Everybody: Pier 4 brawl
Referee: *sigh* Could've stayed in dental school, but noooooooo!
Faces: I wish that I knew what I now know, when I was younger...
Everybody: WTF, mate?
Recapper: My bad.
Faces: clear house
Heels: But the commercial break gives us superpowers!
Flair: Hey, punk, have some dinner! CHOP!
Nitro: Owie.
Flair: CHOP AGAIN!
Nitro: No more!
Flair: 'K.
Nitro: whew
Flair: CHOP
Nitro: Hey!
Flair: Ah, you didn't let me finish--BLOCK!
Nitro: ....I was better off the way things were. :(
Flair: And NOW! figure-four
Edge: Or NOT!
Cena: I got you now!
Edge: Sidestep! Hey, Ric! What do you and Lita have in common?
Flair: We've gotten it on with strippers? I have no idea.
Edge: I SPEAR YOU! HA! VICTORY IS MINE!
Cena: Not so fast there, Dr. Teeth.
Flair: I need to bail.
Cena: Ref! Hey, ref!
Lita & Melina: double-team Ric
Flair: In my mind's eye things were going quite differently when I heard those five words. Ow.
Edge: I got you now, old man! What's it like knowing the NEW World Champ just destroyed the old one?! HUH!?
Flair: Let me ask my buddy here.
Flair's Buddy: CHOP.
Edge: Now that you mention it...I think I'm bleeding inside my chest.
Flair: Tag!
Crowd: YAYBOOYAY
Dan Patrick: John Cena is--dare I say--en fuego.
Cena: You can't see me!
Lita & Melina: Hey, ref! You heard him! You can't see him!
Referee: Ladies, I don't mean to brag, but I was top 5 in my dental school class...
Edge: CHAIR!
Nitro: WIN!
Cena: NO!
Nitro: Pfft. He just got hit with a chair! Time to signal for my finisher! Wait a minute, I don't have the other guy--what the hell is my finisher? What the fuck am I signaling for?!
Cena: YOINK! STFU!
Edge: Noooo! Here I come, Joh--oh, shit, what the--
Flair: I DON'T THINK SO, MOTHERFUCKER! WHOO!
Nitro: Stupid irony. taps
Flair: I got the win!
Cena: I got him to tap!
Edge: I got the belt!
Nitro: ...I still got Melina!
Edge, Cena, Flair: He wins.
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