TNA iMPACT! (8.3.06)
-We open with clips from last week's show. From the Rhino/Joe slugfest to Christian apologizing to Sting, let's relive the glory of last week!
-Borash yammers for a bit, telling us that Sting has officially accepted Christian's offer to be in his corner at Hard Justice. Jarrett and Steiner come in, claiming collusion because of it. He wants to know where Cornette and/or Christian are. Slick Johnson walks up, saying that Cornette will be there later and that there's a mandatory meeting later tonight.
He calls Steiner, "Big Pappy," and I'm giddy at the thought of what manner of MURDER Steiner is about to perpetrate. Unfortunately, Steiner seems to be in a good mood tonight. He merely chokes Johnson and smacks him on the head. Has there been any bigger comeback this year than Steiner? He's one of the main reasons I'm digging TNA again.
-Opening montage.
-LAX is out. Konnan grabs a chair and chases Don West and Mike Tenay from the announce position.
LAX v. Chasyn Rance & Jerelle Clark -
Heels beat down their opponents outside of the ring. Hernandez eventually presses Rance and tosses him back into the ring. More heel beatdownery. Hernandez gives Clark a released Crucifix powerbomb (called the Border Toss) and Homicide spikes Rance with the Gringo Killer and LAX gets the win!
Postmatch, Chris Daniels and AJ Styles (in a neckbrace) appear on the video screen. Styles promises to put 'Cide in the hospital the next time he sees him. I generally like Styles, but this threat is ludicrous coming from him. He wants to charge ring, but Daniels holds him back. Daniels challenges Homicide to a match next week and says it won't end in a 1-2-3, but a "187...bitch." That was the whitest thing ever aired on television.
Konnan wisely points out that he's typically the one making guys like Daniels *his* bitch. He never does get around to accepting the match, though. You'll have to wait until next week (or read spoilers, I guess) to see if it happens.
-Samoa Joe promo. He tells Monty Brown that he's made a big mistake. In furthering his beef with Rhino, he went and got himself a beef with Joe as well. He thinks Monty is just jealous, as the spot Monty thought he'd be in is the spot Joe *is* in. He reminds us that he's been undefeated for 14 months and says that, at Hard Justice, Rhino and Monty will find out why.
-Commercials
-Backstage, Steiner tries to throw Jay Lethal through some lockers. He and Jarrett are still looking for Christian. Lethal has no response, so Steiner tosses him into the lockers once again.
-Bobby Roode video package. Various managers (Jim Mitchell, Shane Douglas, Simon Diamond) hype him up and tell why they'd like to manage him.
-Shane Douglas is in the ring. He talks about the rivalry between the Naturals and AMW and brings out his team.
Naturals v. AMW (w/Gail Kim) -
Oh joy. Probably the two top reasons that ruined TNA for me and they're facing off! Huzzah! It'd be perfect if Big Show would ref or something.
Everyone brawls. The Naturals knock Storm to the floor with a double shoulderblock. They ram Harris into the corner repeatedly and drop him with a straightjacket takedown. Douglas covers and gets two. Tag to Stevens. He goes to work with a headlock. Harris shoots him off, with Storm making the blind tag. AMW hit their sideslam/inverted reverse DDT combo and pick up nearfall.
Russian legsweep by Storm gets another two. Harris holds Stevens. Storm charges and Stevens moves. Storm manages to stop short before hitting his partner, though. He turns and Stevens nails him. Whip by Stevens. He drops down and Storm ends up colliding with Harris. Storm lines up a clothesline, but Stevens ducks it and Storm again nails his partner. Stevens quickly rolls up Storm and gets the win!
Hey...it was short. I guess that's something.
Postmatch, Jarrett and Steiner run down the ramps and attack the Naturals. Jarrett has a mic. Apparently, he and Steiner aren't leaving the ring until Christian comes out.
-Commercials
-Heels are still in the ring. Larry Zbyszko comes out, wearing an awesomely ridiculous wig. Zbyszko has two demands to relate, as per Cornette's wishes. Failure to comply will lead to the same fate as Earl Hebner (i.e. being shitcanned). First, Cornette wants to see Steiner later tonight. Presumably at the meeting, but whatever happens between consenting adults is none of my business. Second, Jarrett is to leave the building immediately. He's not too happy about that, but AMW convinces him to get while the gettin' is good.
-Tenay has a sitdown interview with Sting. He basically puts over Christian, not too subtlety setting up Christian's heel turn (which by the time I post this has already happened! Hooray for timeliness!). He also says that he agrees with Jarrett, saying that if he can't beat him, his entire tenure in TNA has been a failure.
-Commercials
-Senshi promo, talking about the participants in the upcoming number one contendership match. Coming up when, you ask? Next, by god!
Jay Lethal v. Petey Williams v. Sonjay Dutt v. Frankie Kazarian v. Alex Shelley - #1 Contendership on the line -
You think everyone brawled at the start of this? If so, a winner is you! Petey immediately goes for the Canadian Destroyer on Kazarian, but Dutt breaks it up with a 'rana. Everyone winds up on the floor. Except for Sonjay that is, as he hits a wicked somersault plancha right before we go to break...
-Commercials
Back from break, Petey has Dutt tied to the Tree of Woe and is standing on his crotch. Kazarian breaks that up with a kick. Shelley tags himself in. He slams Dutt and hits a slingshot somersault splash for a nearfall. He goes for a whip, but Dutt reverses. Kazarian tags himself in as Shelley goes by. He gives Dutt a reverse hiptoss of sorts and gets two.
Dutt fires back and plants Kazarian with a spinebuster. He goes for a springboard, but Petey nails him, tagging himself in in the process. He immediately does his tilt-a-whirl into Russian legsweep spot to piss me off, but Dutt breaks it up. Unfortunately, it only gets dumber as everyone lines up in position for the Russian legsweep and Lethal pulls the trigger, coming in with a springboard dropkick. Ugh.
Lethal heads up top, hitting the Diving Dynamite headbutt on Petey. Kazarian stops the pin. Lethal hiptosses him and follows up with a seated dropkick. Diving Dynamite on Kazarian. Dutt breaks the cover with a standing moonsault. Shelley is up top. He comes off, but Dutt catches him with a superkick.
He goes for a standing Shiranui on Shelley, but it's countered into a facebuster. Lethal attacks, looking for a whip. Shelley reverses him into the corner. Inverted Lungblower by Shelley! He goes for a Hama-Chan Cutter, but Lethal shoves him to the mat. Diving Dynamite connects. Again. Lethal rolls out. Petey is in. Canadian Destroyer to Lethal and he picks up the win!
-Jim Cornette arrives. Eric Young wants to chat. Cornette has no idea who he is. EY is sad. Cornette says they can talk next week. Christian gets out of the same car as Cornette. He acts all heelish and tells Young that he'll try to convince Cornette to "change his mind," about Young. He's wearing a "Snakes on a Plane" T-shirt, for whatever that's worth. He always was a snazzy dresser...
-Commercials
-Time for the emergency meeting. Cornette runs down other companies for having the boss standing in the ring interrupting the wrestling. As *he* stands in the ring yakking, depriving us of a main event. It's all so confusing and makes my head hurt. Anyway, to sum up:
At Hard Justice, we have:
-AMW v. James Gang v. Kazarian/Bentley v. Naturals to determine the number one contenders for the tag titles.
-Runt v. Abyss
-Monty Brown v. Samoa Joe v. Rhino - Falls Count Anywhere
Next week, it'll be Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt & Chris Sabin vs. Team Paparazzi. Cornette then dismisses everyone not named Christian Cage and Scott Steiner. He books them versus one another next week! Cool beans. That'll be fun.
Steiner has the mic. He runs down the stinkin' canuck, telling him to go back to "Mexico North." He then apologizes to any Mexicans he might have offended with the comparison to Canada. Ouch. He's even back to his WCW form in terms of promos, minus the lack of rhyming references to fucking anything that moves.
Christian's turn to chat. He wonders aloud if Steiner is even speaking English at this point and tells him to spit the marbles out of his mouth. More random chattery and he leaves. There's a guy in a Sting mask at ringside. Guess what? It's Jeff Jarrett! Attack, attack, attack...fade out.
-Borash yammers for a bit, telling us that Sting has officially accepted Christian's offer to be in his corner at Hard Justice. Jarrett and Steiner come in, claiming collusion because of it. He wants to know where Cornette and/or Christian are. Slick Johnson walks up, saying that Cornette will be there later and that there's a mandatory meeting later tonight.
He calls Steiner, "Big Pappy," and I'm giddy at the thought of what manner of MURDER Steiner is about to perpetrate. Unfortunately, Steiner seems to be in a good mood tonight. He merely chokes Johnson and smacks him on the head. Has there been any bigger comeback this year than Steiner? He's one of the main reasons I'm digging TNA again.
-Opening montage.
-LAX is out. Konnan grabs a chair and chases Don West and Mike Tenay from the announce position.
LAX v. Chasyn Rance & Jerelle Clark -
Heels beat down their opponents outside of the ring. Hernandez eventually presses Rance and tosses him back into the ring. More heel beatdownery. Hernandez gives Clark a released Crucifix powerbomb (called the Border Toss) and Homicide spikes Rance with the Gringo Killer and LAX gets the win!
Postmatch, Chris Daniels and AJ Styles (in a neckbrace) appear on the video screen. Styles promises to put 'Cide in the hospital the next time he sees him. I generally like Styles, but this threat is ludicrous coming from him. He wants to charge ring, but Daniels holds him back. Daniels challenges Homicide to a match next week and says it won't end in a 1-2-3, but a "187...bitch." That was the whitest thing ever aired on television.
Konnan wisely points out that he's typically the one making guys like Daniels *his* bitch. He never does get around to accepting the match, though. You'll have to wait until next week (or read spoilers, I guess) to see if it happens.
-Samoa Joe promo. He tells Monty Brown that he's made a big mistake. In furthering his beef with Rhino, he went and got himself a beef with Joe as well. He thinks Monty is just jealous, as the spot Monty thought he'd be in is the spot Joe *is* in. He reminds us that he's been undefeated for 14 months and says that, at Hard Justice, Rhino and Monty will find out why.
-Commercials
-Backstage, Steiner tries to throw Jay Lethal through some lockers. He and Jarrett are still looking for Christian. Lethal has no response, so Steiner tosses him into the lockers once again.
-Bobby Roode video package. Various managers (Jim Mitchell, Shane Douglas, Simon Diamond) hype him up and tell why they'd like to manage him.
-Shane Douglas is in the ring. He talks about the rivalry between the Naturals and AMW and brings out his team.
Naturals v. AMW (w/Gail Kim) -
Oh joy. Probably the two top reasons that ruined TNA for me and they're facing off! Huzzah! It'd be perfect if Big Show would ref or something.
Everyone brawls. The Naturals knock Storm to the floor with a double shoulderblock. They ram Harris into the corner repeatedly and drop him with a straightjacket takedown. Douglas covers and gets two. Tag to Stevens. He goes to work with a headlock. Harris shoots him off, with Storm making the blind tag. AMW hit their sideslam/inverted reverse DDT combo and pick up nearfall.
Russian legsweep by Storm gets another two. Harris holds Stevens. Storm charges and Stevens moves. Storm manages to stop short before hitting his partner, though. He turns and Stevens nails him. Whip by Stevens. He drops down and Storm ends up colliding with Harris. Storm lines up a clothesline, but Stevens ducks it and Storm again nails his partner. Stevens quickly rolls up Storm and gets the win!
Hey...it was short. I guess that's something.
Postmatch, Jarrett and Steiner run down the ramps and attack the Naturals. Jarrett has a mic. Apparently, he and Steiner aren't leaving the ring until Christian comes out.
-Commercials
-Heels are still in the ring. Larry Zbyszko comes out, wearing an awesomely ridiculous wig. Zbyszko has two demands to relate, as per Cornette's wishes. Failure to comply will lead to the same fate as Earl Hebner (i.e. being shitcanned). First, Cornette wants to see Steiner later tonight. Presumably at the meeting, but whatever happens between consenting adults is none of my business. Second, Jarrett is to leave the building immediately. He's not too happy about that, but AMW convinces him to get while the gettin' is good.
-Tenay has a sitdown interview with Sting. He basically puts over Christian, not too subtlety setting up Christian's heel turn (which by the time I post this has already happened! Hooray for timeliness!). He also says that he agrees with Jarrett, saying that if he can't beat him, his entire tenure in TNA has been a failure.
-Commercials
-Senshi promo, talking about the participants in the upcoming number one contendership match. Coming up when, you ask? Next, by god!
Jay Lethal v. Petey Williams v. Sonjay Dutt v. Frankie Kazarian v. Alex Shelley - #1 Contendership on the line -
You think everyone brawled at the start of this? If so, a winner is you! Petey immediately goes for the Canadian Destroyer on Kazarian, but Dutt breaks it up with a 'rana. Everyone winds up on the floor. Except for Sonjay that is, as he hits a wicked somersault plancha right before we go to break...
-Commercials
Back from break, Petey has Dutt tied to the Tree of Woe and is standing on his crotch. Kazarian breaks that up with a kick. Shelley tags himself in. He slams Dutt and hits a slingshot somersault splash for a nearfall. He goes for a whip, but Dutt reverses. Kazarian tags himself in as Shelley goes by. He gives Dutt a reverse hiptoss of sorts and gets two.
Dutt fires back and plants Kazarian with a spinebuster. He goes for a springboard, but Petey nails him, tagging himself in in the process. He immediately does his tilt-a-whirl into Russian legsweep spot to piss me off, but Dutt breaks it up. Unfortunately, it only gets dumber as everyone lines up in position for the Russian legsweep and Lethal pulls the trigger, coming in with a springboard dropkick. Ugh.
Lethal heads up top, hitting the Diving Dynamite headbutt on Petey. Kazarian stops the pin. Lethal hiptosses him and follows up with a seated dropkick. Diving Dynamite on Kazarian. Dutt breaks the cover with a standing moonsault. Shelley is up top. He comes off, but Dutt catches him with a superkick.
He goes for a standing Shiranui on Shelley, but it's countered into a facebuster. Lethal attacks, looking for a whip. Shelley reverses him into the corner. Inverted Lungblower by Shelley! He goes for a Hama-Chan Cutter, but Lethal shoves him to the mat. Diving Dynamite connects. Again. Lethal rolls out. Petey is in. Canadian Destroyer to Lethal and he picks up the win!
-Jim Cornette arrives. Eric Young wants to chat. Cornette has no idea who he is. EY is sad. Cornette says they can talk next week. Christian gets out of the same car as Cornette. He acts all heelish and tells Young that he'll try to convince Cornette to "change his mind," about Young. He's wearing a "Snakes on a Plane" T-shirt, for whatever that's worth. He always was a snazzy dresser...
-Commercials
-Time for the emergency meeting. Cornette runs down other companies for having the boss standing in the ring interrupting the wrestling. As *he* stands in the ring yakking, depriving us of a main event. It's all so confusing and makes my head hurt. Anyway, to sum up:
At Hard Justice, we have:
-AMW v. James Gang v. Kazarian/Bentley v. Naturals to determine the number one contenders for the tag titles.
-Runt v. Abyss
-Monty Brown v. Samoa Joe v. Rhino - Falls Count Anywhere
Next week, it'll be Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt & Chris Sabin vs. Team Paparazzi. Cornette then dismisses everyone not named Christian Cage and Scott Steiner. He books them versus one another next week! Cool beans. That'll be fun.
Steiner has the mic. He runs down the stinkin' canuck, telling him to go back to "Mexico North." He then apologizes to any Mexicans he might have offended with the comparison to Canada. Ouch. He's even back to his WCW form in terms of promos, minus the lack of rhyming references to fucking anything that moves.
Christian's turn to chat. He wonders aloud if Steiner is even speaking English at this point and tells him to spit the marbles out of his mouth. More random chattery and he leaves. There's a guy in a Sting mask at ringside. Guess what? It's Jeff Jarrett! Attack, attack, attack...fade out.
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