Heat 07/17/05
Wow. It's been quite a long time since I graced the world with a Heat recap. Somewhere along the line, this became my favorite show to recap. Maybe because it's only an hour long. Maybe because I like Raven, Stevie, Rhyno and a hundred other guys who aren't around anymore. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm a glutton for punishment...
Victoria v. Talia -
You know why Victoria is awesome? Not because she's the best (the only?) female wrestler left on the roster, but because she's secure enough in her womanhood to wear an airbrushed t-shirt. That's just ghetto. For the record, it tells us that she's a "widows peak freak." Coach likes freaks. Don't we all? Talia, on the other hand, works various northeast indies, notably 3PW (Meanie's company) and JAPW. She's most notable for the extremely ugly and unfortunate tattoo she has on her back. Not even a tramp stamp, which a person can get used to, but a big nasty tat that takes up half her back. Hey! That rhymed! Otherwise, she's awfully cute. Anyway, there's a match about to start here.
Lockup, rear waistlock by Victoria. Talia reverses, leapfrogs over her, then takes her over with a snapmare. Cover gets two. She follows up with an armdrag. Victoria is amused. She offers a handshake, which Talia accepts. Victoria pulls her in and we get some hot boob on boob action! Victoria channels Regal/Benoit and headbutts Talia right in the face. Gotta love that. She takes Talia down with a hairmare, then adds a kick to the face for good measure. What a bitch. Flower is back! Cover, but she pulls Talia up after one.
She drives Talia backfirst into the corner, then drives a series of shoulders into her gut. She slaps her, then levels her with a shortarm clothesline for two. Victoria grabs a half Nelson with facelock. Talia gamely comes back, though, driving her backwards into the corner and breaking the hold with an armdrag of sorts. She kicks Victoria in the gut twice, then takes her down with a back elbow. Up top she goes. Crossbody connects, but Victoria rolls through for a nearfall.
She pounds on Talia and pulls her up. Whip, but Talia comes back with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors! She slams Victoria down by the hair and gets two. Talia whips her into the corner and follows with a clothesline. She's getting ready to rain down some punches, but Victoria counters into a powerbomb for two. Widows Peak follows and that's the end of that.
This was pretty good. Much more competitive than the typical WWE squash style match. They should hire Talia, then make her get rid of the ugly tat. But that precedent would likely make it necessary for Lita to get hers removed as well. Then they'd both likely have to come back with bigger tits (there has to be a *real* reason to give them time off, you know) and this is all just leading us down an ugly road to ruin.
-Maria interviews Renee Dupree. He makes fun of her for being stupid and she admits that her IQ is 36. Is it possible to have a bust size larger than your IQ? Seems like it'd make the world implode or something. And what's with my breast obsession in tonight's recap?
-Hogan returns to Raw tonight (or maybe last night, depending on when I finish this) to address the challenge of Shawn Michaels.
-Commercials
Rene Dupree v. Val Venis -
Dupree's robe pretty much rocks the casbah. As does his facial hair. Val...is Val. But being the only 3-time KING OF HEAT has gotta be worth something.
They close in for the lockup, but Dupree ducks away and preens. Val charges him, but Dupree ducks between the ropes and gets the referee to back him off. Val is distracted and Dupree nails him. He lays in some punches from the mount, then kicks Val in the back. Ram into the corner is followed by a stiff chop. He whips Val hard into the opposite corner, then levels him with a shortarm clothesline. Neck wrench submission by Dupree. Val fights to his feet and elbows free. They start trading punches, but Dupree retains control with an eye rake. He charges, but Val backdrops him over the top and to the floor.
Dupree takes a bit of a powder, climbing onto the apron at the seven count. Val brings him back in with a hiptoss. He ducks a punch from Dupree and plants him with his half Nelson slam for two. He sets up for a fisherman's suplex, but Dupree blocks it by grabbing the ropes. He punches free and takes Val down with a nice neckbreaker. French Tickler! Does that really deserve an exclamation point? Hmm...yes, yes it does!
At any rate, Dupree moves in from behind, looking for the Cobra Clutch. Val elbows free and scores with a double leg takedown. He slaps on his Nagata Lock, but Dupree quickly reaches the ropes. Val suplexes him and heads up top. Coach tells me that the Money Shot is a mistake and lo and behold, he's right! Dupree gets outta Dodge and Val eats the mat. Dupree quickly locks him in the Cobra Clutch and Val has no choice but to tap...and tap...and tap. Finally, the referee notices the fervent tapping and stops the match. A UFC official he's not. And I'll be damned if I even wrote down which referee it was. Oops.
This is as good a Rene Dupree match as you're likely to see. That's not saying much, though.
-Later tonight, a six-man tag featuring the tag team champions. If you even remember who those champions are, you're in better shape than I. Luckily, I got to see the graphics and could pick out the belts with ease. Yay me!
-Up next, Cena rocks the lame nicknames. Y2-Cheap? Try Y2-Ugh. I was more creative in the 3rd grade.
-Commercials
-Raw clips. Blah, blah, Jericho/Cena at Summerslam, blah, blah, Y2-Cheap, blah, blah, FU to Bischoff. NEXT!
-Maria interviews Rob "The Conman" Conway. He's spent the last two years conning everyone into thinking that he cared for France or Quebec. But from now on, he's going to do things *his* way. The CONway. Maria is befuddled by all of this.
-Commercials
-Summerslam is five weeks away! Does *that* deserve an exclamation point? Probably not.
Rob Conway v. Mo Sexton -
Sexton notably works for WXW (Afa's promotion). Conway has busted out leopard print tights that have see through panels on the sides. Grish is a bit too focused on them, I think.
Lockup, knee to the gut by Conway. He's so pimp that he doesn't even bother taking off his sunglasses for the match. He grabs a side headlock, but Sexton quickly elbows free. He shoots Conway into the ropes, but gets tackled. Armbar by Conway leads to the shortarm clothesline. It's the move of the night, my friends! Conway takes off the glasses and hands them to the ref. He stomps on Sexton for a bit, then sends him into the ropes. Back elbow connects, giving Conway a chance to flex.
He drops an elbow on Sexton, then whips him into the corner. He charges in behind him, but runs into a big boot. Now it's Sexton's turn to charge. He's no more successful, as Conway scores with a powerslam. Rear chinlock by Conway. Sexton gets to his feet. He tries to elbow free, but Conway yanks him down by the hair and starts choking him in the ropes.
Conway sends him into the ropes. Sexton ducks a clothesline. Conway looks like he's elevating him for a flapjack, but it's all for naught, as Sexton counters into a dropkick. He follows with a second and heads up top. He comes off with...something, but Conway stiffs him with a forearm right to the face. Awesome. He hits the Ego Trip (née Au Revoir AKA his elevated swinging neckbreaker) for the win.
Conway is awesome. Not sure being nise Buff Bagwell is where I'd have gone with him, though.
-Recap of the Diva Search junk. The cutest one is the first to go. Because that's the way to get me to pay attention. She might have had a name, but I don't know it and don't care nearly enough to look. Let's just call her...Mary. Yeah, that'll work. At any rate, the rest of them do a bunch of slutty shit and then it's time to move on.
-Commercials
-Clips of the events leading up to Shawn Michaels shocking betrayal of Hulk Hogan lead into clips of Shawn Michaels less than shocking betrayal of Roddy Piper from last week's Piper's Pit.
-Your main event is next, next, next! But not mine...oh no, not mine. I have no idea what that even means. Randomness!
-Commercials
Tyson Tomko & The Heart Throbs v. Hurricane, Rosey & Viscera (w/Stacy) -
Coach (as Lilian is doing intros): "If anyone knows what Viscera weighs, it would be Lilian." Coach is quite the wacky funster tonight. Rosey has new gear. You probably care just about as much as I do about that. It's blue. So am I, thinking that I just wasted 15 seconds typing out this entire pointless side note.
Lockup, rear waistlock by Antonio. I was pissed because the announcers just refused to name the Heart Throbs tonight and I had no idea which was Romeo and which was Antonio. Stupid Heat, making me learn the names of these talentless fucks. Moving on...Hurricane reverses, chaining a full Nelson into an armbar takedown. Headscissors by Hurricane. Antonio kips out, but gets caught in a side headlock. He breaks free, sending Hurricane into the ropes. Antonio leapfrogs him, but eats a clothesline for his troubles.
Tag to Rosey. Champs send Antonio into the ropes. Hurricane takes him down with a drop toehold and Rosey follows up with a diving headbutt to the ribs. He pounds on Antonio with a series of forearms and sends him into the rope. He ducks his head, allowing Antonio to lay in a kick. Tag to Tomko. He and Rosey trade punches for a bit. Rosey sends him into the corner, but misses a splash. Tomko glares at Stacy for a bit, then charges Rosey, who gets his boot up. He climbs to the second rope, but misses a legdrop.
Tomko nails him with a clothesline and punches away from the mount. Tag to Romeo. He lays in a few back elbows and tags Antonio. Rosey tries to fight his way out of the corner, but gets cut off. Tag to Romeo. The Heart Throbs doubleteam Rosey, but the camera misses it completely. Romeo adds a dropkick and gets two. Rear chinlock by Romeo. Rosey inches toward his corner, so Romeo releases him and knocks Hurricane off of the apron.
He tries the same with Vis, but eats a headbutt. He's staggered, turning directly into a clothesline from Rosey. Both guys tag, bringing Tomko and Viscera into the match. Vis easily takes charge and sends Tomko into the ropes. He's able to duck a clothesline, but Viscera plants him with a sidewalk slam. Antonio runs in and gets slammed. Romeo is slammed right next to him. Sodomizer on both Heart Throbs! Coach: "It doesn't feel pretty and looks even worse." They end up bailing, leaving Tomko by himself. Hurricane comes off the top with a crossbody. Rosey splashes Tomko, followed by a splash from Viscera. This one is not only over, but they'll need a spatula to even get Tomko out of the ring...
This didn't suck as much as it could have. Damning praise, but I feel no reason to shit on it. I like Hurricane and Tomko is growing on me (not literally...that'd be creepy) and both guys did enough to keep this match from actively annoying me.
Not a particularly strong show, but damn...it's good to be back.
Victoria v. Talia -
You know why Victoria is awesome? Not because she's the best (the only?) female wrestler left on the roster, but because she's secure enough in her womanhood to wear an airbrushed t-shirt. That's just ghetto. For the record, it tells us that she's a "widows peak freak." Coach likes freaks. Don't we all? Talia, on the other hand, works various northeast indies, notably 3PW (Meanie's company) and JAPW. She's most notable for the extremely ugly and unfortunate tattoo she has on her back. Not even a tramp stamp, which a person can get used to, but a big nasty tat that takes up half her back. Hey! That rhymed! Otherwise, she's awfully cute. Anyway, there's a match about to start here.
Lockup, rear waistlock by Victoria. Talia reverses, leapfrogs over her, then takes her over with a snapmare. Cover gets two. She follows up with an armdrag. Victoria is amused. She offers a handshake, which Talia accepts. Victoria pulls her in and we get some hot boob on boob action! Victoria channels Regal/Benoit and headbutts Talia right in the face. Gotta love that. She takes Talia down with a hairmare, then adds a kick to the face for good measure. What a bitch. Flower is back! Cover, but she pulls Talia up after one.
She drives Talia backfirst into the corner, then drives a series of shoulders into her gut. She slaps her, then levels her with a shortarm clothesline for two. Victoria grabs a half Nelson with facelock. Talia gamely comes back, though, driving her backwards into the corner and breaking the hold with an armdrag of sorts. She kicks Victoria in the gut twice, then takes her down with a back elbow. Up top she goes. Crossbody connects, but Victoria rolls through for a nearfall.
She pounds on Talia and pulls her up. Whip, but Talia comes back with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors! She slams Victoria down by the hair and gets two. Talia whips her into the corner and follows with a clothesline. She's getting ready to rain down some punches, but Victoria counters into a powerbomb for two. Widows Peak follows and that's the end of that.
This was pretty good. Much more competitive than the typical WWE squash style match. They should hire Talia, then make her get rid of the ugly tat. But that precedent would likely make it necessary for Lita to get hers removed as well. Then they'd both likely have to come back with bigger tits (there has to be a *real* reason to give them time off, you know) and this is all just leading us down an ugly road to ruin.
-Maria interviews Renee Dupree. He makes fun of her for being stupid and she admits that her IQ is 36. Is it possible to have a bust size larger than your IQ? Seems like it'd make the world implode or something. And what's with my breast obsession in tonight's recap?
-Hogan returns to Raw tonight (or maybe last night, depending on when I finish this) to address the challenge of Shawn Michaels.
-Commercials
Rene Dupree v. Val Venis -
Dupree's robe pretty much rocks the casbah. As does his facial hair. Val...is Val. But being the only 3-time KING OF HEAT has gotta be worth something.
They close in for the lockup, but Dupree ducks away and preens. Val charges him, but Dupree ducks between the ropes and gets the referee to back him off. Val is distracted and Dupree nails him. He lays in some punches from the mount, then kicks Val in the back. Ram into the corner is followed by a stiff chop. He whips Val hard into the opposite corner, then levels him with a shortarm clothesline. Neck wrench submission by Dupree. Val fights to his feet and elbows free. They start trading punches, but Dupree retains control with an eye rake. He charges, but Val backdrops him over the top and to the floor.
Dupree takes a bit of a powder, climbing onto the apron at the seven count. Val brings him back in with a hiptoss. He ducks a punch from Dupree and plants him with his half Nelson slam for two. He sets up for a fisherman's suplex, but Dupree blocks it by grabbing the ropes. He punches free and takes Val down with a nice neckbreaker. French Tickler! Does that really deserve an exclamation point? Hmm...yes, yes it does!
At any rate, Dupree moves in from behind, looking for the Cobra Clutch. Val elbows free and scores with a double leg takedown. He slaps on his Nagata Lock, but Dupree quickly reaches the ropes. Val suplexes him and heads up top. Coach tells me that the Money Shot is a mistake and lo and behold, he's right! Dupree gets outta Dodge and Val eats the mat. Dupree quickly locks him in the Cobra Clutch and Val has no choice but to tap...and tap...and tap. Finally, the referee notices the fervent tapping and stops the match. A UFC official he's not. And I'll be damned if I even wrote down which referee it was. Oops.
This is as good a Rene Dupree match as you're likely to see. That's not saying much, though.
-Later tonight, a six-man tag featuring the tag team champions. If you even remember who those champions are, you're in better shape than I. Luckily, I got to see the graphics and could pick out the belts with ease. Yay me!
-Up next, Cena rocks the lame nicknames. Y2-Cheap? Try Y2-Ugh. I was more creative in the 3rd grade.
-Commercials
-Raw clips. Blah, blah, Jericho/Cena at Summerslam, blah, blah, Y2-Cheap, blah, blah, FU to Bischoff. NEXT!
-Maria interviews Rob "The Conman" Conway. He's spent the last two years conning everyone into thinking that he cared for France or Quebec. But from now on, he's going to do things *his* way. The CONway. Maria is befuddled by all of this.
-Commercials
-Summerslam is five weeks away! Does *that* deserve an exclamation point? Probably not.
Rob Conway v. Mo Sexton -
Sexton notably works for WXW (Afa's promotion). Conway has busted out leopard print tights that have see through panels on the sides. Grish is a bit too focused on them, I think.
Lockup, knee to the gut by Conway. He's so pimp that he doesn't even bother taking off his sunglasses for the match. He grabs a side headlock, but Sexton quickly elbows free. He shoots Conway into the ropes, but gets tackled. Armbar by Conway leads to the shortarm clothesline. It's the move of the night, my friends! Conway takes off the glasses and hands them to the ref. He stomps on Sexton for a bit, then sends him into the ropes. Back elbow connects, giving Conway a chance to flex.
He drops an elbow on Sexton, then whips him into the corner. He charges in behind him, but runs into a big boot. Now it's Sexton's turn to charge. He's no more successful, as Conway scores with a powerslam. Rear chinlock by Conway. Sexton gets to his feet. He tries to elbow free, but Conway yanks him down by the hair and starts choking him in the ropes.
Conway sends him into the ropes. Sexton ducks a clothesline. Conway looks like he's elevating him for a flapjack, but it's all for naught, as Sexton counters into a dropkick. He follows with a second and heads up top. He comes off with...something, but Conway stiffs him with a forearm right to the face. Awesome. He hits the Ego Trip (née Au Revoir AKA his elevated swinging neckbreaker) for the win.
Conway is awesome. Not sure being nise Buff Bagwell is where I'd have gone with him, though.
-Recap of the Diva Search junk. The cutest one is the first to go. Because that's the way to get me to pay attention. She might have had a name, but I don't know it and don't care nearly enough to look. Let's just call her...Mary. Yeah, that'll work. At any rate, the rest of them do a bunch of slutty shit and then it's time to move on.
-Commercials
-Clips of the events leading up to Shawn Michaels shocking betrayal of Hulk Hogan lead into clips of Shawn Michaels less than shocking betrayal of Roddy Piper from last week's Piper's Pit.
-Your main event is next, next, next! But not mine...oh no, not mine. I have no idea what that even means. Randomness!
-Commercials
Tyson Tomko & The Heart Throbs v. Hurricane, Rosey & Viscera (w/Stacy) -
Coach (as Lilian is doing intros): "If anyone knows what Viscera weighs, it would be Lilian." Coach is quite the wacky funster tonight. Rosey has new gear. You probably care just about as much as I do about that. It's blue. So am I, thinking that I just wasted 15 seconds typing out this entire pointless side note.
Lockup, rear waistlock by Antonio. I was pissed because the announcers just refused to name the Heart Throbs tonight and I had no idea which was Romeo and which was Antonio. Stupid Heat, making me learn the names of these talentless fucks. Moving on...Hurricane reverses, chaining a full Nelson into an armbar takedown. Headscissors by Hurricane. Antonio kips out, but gets caught in a side headlock. He breaks free, sending Hurricane into the ropes. Antonio leapfrogs him, but eats a clothesline for his troubles.
Tag to Rosey. Champs send Antonio into the ropes. Hurricane takes him down with a drop toehold and Rosey follows up with a diving headbutt to the ribs. He pounds on Antonio with a series of forearms and sends him into the rope. He ducks his head, allowing Antonio to lay in a kick. Tag to Tomko. He and Rosey trade punches for a bit. Rosey sends him into the corner, but misses a splash. Tomko glares at Stacy for a bit, then charges Rosey, who gets his boot up. He climbs to the second rope, but misses a legdrop.
Tomko nails him with a clothesline and punches away from the mount. Tag to Romeo. He lays in a few back elbows and tags Antonio. Rosey tries to fight his way out of the corner, but gets cut off. Tag to Romeo. The Heart Throbs doubleteam Rosey, but the camera misses it completely. Romeo adds a dropkick and gets two. Rear chinlock by Romeo. Rosey inches toward his corner, so Romeo releases him and knocks Hurricane off of the apron.
He tries the same with Vis, but eats a headbutt. He's staggered, turning directly into a clothesline from Rosey. Both guys tag, bringing Tomko and Viscera into the match. Vis easily takes charge and sends Tomko into the ropes. He's able to duck a clothesline, but Viscera plants him with a sidewalk slam. Antonio runs in and gets slammed. Romeo is slammed right next to him. Sodomizer on both Heart Throbs! Coach: "It doesn't feel pretty and looks even worse." They end up bailing, leaving Tomko by himself. Hurricane comes off the top with a crossbody. Rosey splashes Tomko, followed by a splash from Viscera. This one is not only over, but they'll need a spatula to even get Tomko out of the ring...
This didn't suck as much as it could have. Damning praise, but I feel no reason to shit on it. I like Hurricane and Tomko is growing on me (not literally...that'd be creepy) and both guys did enough to keep this match from actively annoying me.
Not a particularly strong show, but damn...it's good to be back.
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