Rosser-Per-View: Vengeance
THE CHAMP IS HERE. John Cena premieres on a RAW PPV in a triple threat match for his belt against the Ayatollah and the Captain, says the video.
FOR EVERY BEGINNING, THERE COMES AN END. Batista. Triple H. Hell In A Cell. World Title. (Oh, and props to whoever snuck the Manson snippet of "CruciFiction In Space" in there towards the end.)
--Vengeance is brought to you BAH: THQ's Juiced. Coach is with the usual suspects for a change. Hugo & Carlos are at ringside waiting for the inevitable. The set is all Vegas, baby, Vegas, with a roulette wheel, oversized dice, the Welcome to Vegas sign used for the Tron, and playing cards to represent the match participants. Let's get it started in herrrrrrrre...
INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE -- SHELTON BENJAMIN (248, Orangeburg, South Carolina) v. CARLITO (230, the Caribbean):
Justin makes a rare error by annoucing 3C as the challenger, so Let Us Take You Back To Six Days Ago when a botched Shelton dive and Carlito CHEATING TO WIN~! brought us the first new IC Champ since before Halloween. Good Shelton chant as we get this title match and the PPV underway from Sin City. Collar and elbow as Lawler goes over Carlito winning the United States title in his first WWE match. Shelton powers it into the corner and breaks clean. Fireman's carry from Benjamin gets a one count, and upon kickout C Cubed backs up to the ropes. JR says the young Colon is the 18th man to hold both the Intercontinental and United States titles. Another c & e, Shelton works the side headlock and into the headlock takeover. Lawler brings up Shelton covering off a basic move that early means he's probably not 100% and wants to end this ASAP. Good Lord, did Jerry Lawler just make two good, pertinent points in the same minute? Carlito reverses to the grounded headscissors and Shelton counters the counter with a jacknife a la Owen for 2. Carlito with a kick to the stomach and a couple of forearm shots to the back before elbowing the back of the head. Cross-corner whip but Benjamin lines his way out. WHOO! Whip into the ropes, kitchen sink and another pair for the big winner from last year's draft lottery. Carlito crawling away but Shelton immediately gets a side headlock. Off into the ropes and Mr. Cool executes a shoulder knockdown. Smirk. Off the ropes as Shelton nips up and clotheslines him down. Carlito decides the beating up portion of this match is making him sad, grabs his belt, and decides to see if he can get into Rain. Lawler and Coach, oddly suddenly chummy, agree it's better to be a winning champion than a fighting champion. Sadly, Shelton catches him at the rampway and gives him what for. And by "what for", I mean a series of punches in the face.
Back in, snap suplex, another 2 for Shelton. Carlito reaches deep into his encyclopedia of wrestling knowledge and thumbs the former Tag Champ in the iris. Driving him into the corner with a knee to the sternum, cross-corner is reversed. Carlito gets the hell out of the way but Shelton is Catman and leaps to the top. Pivoting--flying lariat! Carlito sits up with a glazed expression and falls back but Shelton's taking a while to cover...there it is for 2¾. Right hands in the corner but Carlito stops his offense with one good right of his own and then a forearm to the back of the head. Knee to the face and now to a rear chinlock that has Benjamin facing the crowd between the bottom and middle ropes. "Let's go Shelton!" chant is cut off as Cool kicks him square in the back of the head, thus sending him out to the floor with his ups in a heaval. Small but loud "Shelton sucks!" chant. Barely 2 on the cover after the champ brought him back in. Replay of the boot shot. Carlito strings together a series of slams as a Carlito chant starts to go up. After the trilogy has ended, Carlito covers for a pair. Rear chinlock and now the Carlito chant gets louder as he stomps away. Two-count. Carlito gets into it with Chioda, and Shelton rolls him up for 2. Carlito recovers first and bashes away at Shelton with axehandle shots. Rear chinlock. "Carlito!" "Sucks!" The "Shelton!" chant settles that draw out and he fights up. Well, it's not like Carlito can pull his hair or anything. Shelton gets loose and hits a cyclone back elbow off the ropes but he's still down after completion.
The count goes up to 7 with Carlito up first. Forearm shot, right hands. Whip is short-arm reversed by the All-American, and Carlito runs into a Samoan drop. Recovery time for Shelton, then a cover, Carlito barely escapes. Slugfest from their knees on the mat and then ready or not Shelton B. taking over, rights, chops, punches. The crowd seems to be split as Benjamin lines Carlito down. Clothesline #2, baaaaaaaaack body drop. The people cheering for Carlito are all deep-voiced guys with nice seats while the young un's are in Shelton's corner so maybe it's not the split reaction I think it is. Cobra clutch backbreaker! The Wave of the Future (somebody's gotta call something that good, and who better than me?) gets 2.9. Shelton ascends and takes forever. Lawler & Coach acknowledge the number of Carlito fans and it is, of course, at this exact moment the Shelton chant begins to dominate again. Carlito decides to stop waiting on his hard-boiled egg and cuts off the Carolinian. Slugfest until Shelton grabs by the Fro and guillotines Carlito, taking himself to the floor in the process. Coach brings up the stupidity of hitting a move you can't immediately go for a cover on when you're in a weakened state. Shelton on the apron--springboard bulldog! One, two, barely does the shoulder shoot out on that one. Chioda pulling Shelton off Carlito so he hammers the back. Had he been able to see past the Dr. J shoutout he would also see the champion is removing the turnbuckle pad. Huge jeers for that. Carlito kicks the gut, Blue Thunder! That move? That's cool. The execution, not so much. Cover, two, nine-tenths! Whip by Carlito and he catches Shelton's foot, Dragon WHIP! Carlito stumbles into the corner as Benjamin revs the engine, Stinger Splash right into the exposed turnbuckles! Carlito with the schoolboy, throws in some tights for good measure, 3. (12'50") ***
--Triple H & Slick Ric are dans la maison.
--As the first video package of the PPV proper rolls, it occurs to me I've watched Victoria smash that glass jar over Christy's head about 11 times in a row and it still doesn't cease to be fucking hilarious. Smash, smash, smash, rewind, rewind, rewind...
VICTORIA (120, San Bernadino, CA) v. CHRISTY (185, the Eighth Circle of Hell):
Victoria's music is apparently done by the same Evil Remixers who did Eddie's work; this begs the question if these musicians are evil by practice or charge extra for the express purpose of evil remixes. Now that she's evil again, Victoria's fuckability increased by a factor of about 50. I guess the "All The Things She Said" patent is sadly expired. I miss TATU. Where was I? Oh, right, a match:
Christy comes down a fussin' and a snortin'. Victoria bails and the chase is on; it ends in the ring with Victoria outsmarting the Diva Search weiner and stomping away. Whip to the ropes but Christy boots Victoria when she ducks too soon. Hemme from the mount position and she slams Victoria's head into the mat. Citizens! Count to 10 as I smash this woman's face in yonder turnbuckle! Choke in the corner but the crafty vet counters out of there by bringing her out with the Stun Gun. Victoria now with control again, pummels Christy. I approve. Replay of the way of the Gun. Hair pull Gory special (almost)! Victoria chokes away in the corner. Another replay, another choke. Whip and Victoria shouts-out to Jazz by wrapping both hands around Christy's throat, lifting her up, and keeping her up for the whole allowed five-count. Trifecta of near falls. Lawler chant and V grabs the side chinlock. CHRISTY SUCKS~! chant! I love you, Vegas. Eye rake. Christy slips out of a slam attempt and pushes Victoria to the ropes, but the former Women's Champ hangs on and Hemme goes down per usual. WIDOW'S PE--Christy slips out into a sunset flip--nope, Victoria powers her out of it and shoves her into the corner for another choke. Hemme down, PSYCHOSAULT! Whiffs! Hair pull throw by Christy ("BOO!"), hair pull throwdown ("BOO!"), again ("BOO! Yes, again!"), boots to the gut and an actually well-executed DDT! That's her third move! By 2073 she'll have revolutionized the industry! Victoria somehow survives the relentless assault and kicks out. Cross corner whip reversed, and Hemme goes for her splits into sunset flip but Victoria sits on her face (!) and grabs the ropes. Three! (5'07") * Remember, evil will always prevail over good because good is dumb.
--Todd Grisham : John Cena :: Kevin Kelly : the Rock. I actually got voted Most Likely To Host A Talk Show, oddly enough.
--Video Package Fact: Kane's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
EDGE w/Lita (250, Toronto) v. KANE HARDY VERSION ONE (320, PARTS UNKNOWN~!):
I'm putting the over/under of Matt related chants at...24. There's one before Kane comes out. Kane chases Edge around and back in, Edge stomps away. You just DID this spot to start the LAST match! Kane shoves him off and lays in the right hands in the corner. We Want Matt (2). Citizens! Count to..26 as I pummel this man about the face and head?! Wow. UPPERCUT. I'm baaaaack body drop. Choke against the middle ropes, and then another pair of right hands. We Want Matt (3). Cross-corner as the chant allows Lawler & Coach to talk about the Hilarious Swerve from the wedding as Kane lines Edge out. Now to stalk Lita. *ominous music* *upbeat, spritely music* Edge sneaking up from behind Kane *ominous music* but Kane pivots and drops him *upbeat, spritely music* Back in and the former World Champion checks his boot size on Edge's head. "She's a crack whore!" First booing Christy, now this--these are people I can have a beer with! Also, in a side tangent, Kane is still pummeling Edge. Elbow shot, choking away. Eye rake from Edge. He hits the ropes; Kane tries to hiptoss him out but Edge saves himself on the apron. Kane then rams him into the turnbuckle and a running forearm shot drops Edge to the floor. We Want Matt (5). Kane slams Edge's head into the barrier and then lays in the uppercut. Bearhug and a ram into the barrier. Kane glares at Lita and picks Edge up but Lita jerks Edge off. Jerks Edge OUT. You would've thought spell check would pick that up. Edge now shoves Kane all the way into the post. Spear!
Edge rolls back into the ring and is more than content to win by countout. It doesn't come to pass as Kane saves the match at 8, and as such Edge baseball slides Kane in the ribs to drop him back to the floor. We take it back in the ring as Edge lays in some stomps and punts to the ribs. Spear to the corner! You Screwed Matt (6). Edge uses the ropes to jump up and drive his knees into the sternum. Now Edge in control to lay in the right hands. Kane has a simple question: does your BROTHER wrestle by any chance, little girl? Boom boom boom, Edge slips a slam and hits the Edge O'Matic (still unnamed). ZOMBIE SITUP. Edge registers shock and then runs for the ropes to hit a short dropkick ZOMBIE SITUP I TELL YOU! Right hand, cross-corner. Edge countering with the back elbow but flies off into another uppercut. Snake Eyes (how apropo) and a clothesline get Kane two. Edge gets a boot in the face of the Big Red Machine but runs into a sidewalk slam. Kane going all the way up to the top for the Air Kane flying lariat--countered with a dropkick! Edge setting up in the corner now, speaBOOT! Kane calling for the coup de gras, and Snitsky's here. Boot. Now he's on the floor. Goozle, but Lita in with a chair. Kane catches her and she makes the googily eyes. Glen Jacobs, an astute observer of social commentary and human nature, quotes one of his favorite Afro-American philosophers of the late 20th century: suck THIS, bitch! Chokes her down and the absence of a chokeslam draws boos. Hey, look, a chair! He puts her head in it a la HBK. DO IT! ICE THE BITCH! IT'S PAY-PER-VIEW! BETTER THE KIDS LEARN IT HERE THAN OUT ON THE STREETS! Snitsky boots Kane down as Chioda saves Lita. Opportunistically, Edge covers. Kane kicks out. Edge setting up the EDT (Edgecution```) but gets pushed off. Snitsky comes after Kane again, goozle. Edge with a running start and the briefcase but Kane dodges. Gene does not. Choke. SLAM. Check, please. (11'13") **¾
--Handy-dandy setup video package for The Rematch. Vengeance will be mine, sayeth the Showstopper.
KURT ANGLE (220, Pittsburgh) v. SHAWN MICHAELS (225, San Antonio):
Kurt doesn't get pyro and Shawn does? Dubious. HBK chant and the bell rings to do the damn thing. Collar and elbow, Kurt with the power position to put both men in the corner and we...get a clean break. Second lockup, Angle go-behind, HBK briefly out of the tactics, Angle reapplies and Shawn scrambles to and gets the ropes. Third time now, Michaels with the side headlock and keeps in off after the rope pushoff attempt from the Olympian. Angle back up, putting them in the corner--hey, two clean breaks. Cauliflower ear check which ties into the keeping-the-headlock-on self-referential spot that just happened, which I appreciate. Angle Sux chant as they try it again, this time the ropes are hit and a shoulder knockdown by the SmackDown refugee. Point, Angle. Off the ropes, Michaels hiptoss. Point, Shawn. Right into the armBAR, and Angle fights up. Hair pull takedown for the armBAR himself and knee right against the temple. Helpful closeup. Angle drives his knees into Shawn's left arm and HBK bails out. Angle with the helpful admonition "C'mon", so Shawn chops him a couple of times in the corner with extreme prejudice and mass velocity. Kurt would now like to take a tour of the floor. So it's back to the collar-and-elbow, and Angle immediately dives for the anklelock. Michaels blocking it, so Kurt counters to a ½ crab which sadly for him is right by the ropes Shawn uses. Michaels with a right, two more chops. Cross-corner reversed but Michaels boots the charging Kurt, sunset flip no anklelock yes! Rolled through, and a clothesline sends Angle to concrete; no major damage done yet. HBK out to the floor to continue choppin broccoli, Angle with a kick and BY GOD he's going to Angle Slam him into the post again no he isn't, swingandamiss GERMAN SUPLEX ONTO THE SPANISH TABLE! ¡DIOS MIO! The gringos have their own version. Moment of the Night--Hugo (or Carlos): ¡PELIGRO! ¡PELIGRO! Replay confirms--that had to hurt like a bastard. Kurt arguing the count then just decides to bring in Shawn, 2½. I guess.
Kneelift and a neckbreaker from Kurt. Two. Again. Dos. Deux goddamnit Kurt nobody wins with a neckbreaker anymore, stop it. Top rope choke as Michaels was making a move to bail yet again. Boot choke in the corner and some stomps. Kurt and plenty ofs it right now. European uppercut with some stank on it is doubled. Replay. Regal who? Slugfest, but Kurt cuts Shawn off with a kick to the gut TURNBUCKLE *BOMB*! How this did not end the match makes me think I am not watching something on the up-and-up here. Replay as Kurt and the seeing world are in disbelief. Angle dropping elbows, suplex, 2. A third replay, and now one in slo-mo. I don't care where you're from, that's gotta hurt. During these replays Kurt's been kind enough to strap a rear chinlock on. HBK fighting out, the Grand Slammer with another chip. Cross-corner, Angle dodges and RELEASE GERMAN! I'm not capitalizing these to be difficult, I'm doing it to show the complete awesomeness of the moves Kurt is throwing out here. Another long 2. ANGLE SLArmdrag but Kurt just mows Shawn down with a clothesline, another nearfall. To the corner we go, as Angle sets him up for the mecha overhead belly-to-belly. Michaels fights off and flies into the Vegas night. Air. Whuh-oh; overhead belly-to-belly on the mat, cover, two, point five. Lawler: When a cat does something, they say it's as quick as Kurt Angle. Whip and a sleeper that slowly drops Shawn all the way to the mat in a pin. Two more two counts. Angle torques the Heartbreak Kid's head at about a 40-degree angle.
The power of Christ compels Shawn to fight out of this, back suplex. Doan's count hits 7. Another "¿Quien Es Mas Macho?" slugfest to Michaels this time, and another duplex of chops. Whip reversed into the Flying Santana? Hit the square on your HBK Bingo. Kurt up at 8 and there's the nip-up. It's going to be good seeing that get booed again, and I suggest you get that dauber back in hand: punch punch punch inverted atomic drop clothesline scoop slam Savage elbow. And the Lawd said you got to warm the band upah! Angle says "Fuck your God, your Lord and your Christ!" and runs Shawn over with a clothesline when he tries to stomp! Yes! Two and a half, though. Doan was half out of the ring on the count, which is cool. ANGLE SLADDT! Two, two, two. All three times Angle barely musters a shoulder up. Replay of the Sweet Forearm Music twice. Both men down and up at 5, Angle slips out of the suplex attempt for a German! Michaels throws a couple back elbows, Kurt sidesteps ANGLE SLAM! One, two, kickout! Replay as an elbow caught Angle flush in the schnozz. ANGLESmall package! One, two, no, and Angle rolls through into the ANKLELOCK! He's got it on but he's sitting down; there he goes, and Angle gets rolled into Doan. Angle recovers and backdrops Michaels to the floor. Some tech guy goes "Oh, shit" as Michaels groans and holds his knee and they call for Fit Et Al. Angle has the appropriate response to this and puts Shawn back in. Down Come The Straps! Snap Sweet Chin no ANKLELOCK! HBK reaching now with a recovered Doan, and kicks Angle off NOT! Roll through? How about Kurt says it in Spanish? NO! HBK chant and he's about two feet away...one foot away...six...eight feet away! Damn I loves me some Kurt Angle, especially with pull-back action. About a minute in it, Michaels rolls Angle through and he shoulders the post. Both men recovering SWEET CHIN MUSIC! But Shawn's down, too. Count's at 7--8--9--Shawn flumps a shoulder on for one, two, NO! Replay. Angle shakes free of the weak lateral press and goes up? WTF? Sweet Chin Music II. The. Fucking. End. (26'13") Not quite. But close. ****¼.
--Batista cuts a very simple promo. "Lose my belt? Death first!" Triple H comes out to rebut. "Cell. Undefeated. You suck." Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight
--Lillian comes out and sings to the Notorious V.I.S. She proposes. Out comes the Godfather and five of his...employees. Vis chooses quantity over quality. Lillian cries. I just saved you 10 minutes. You may want to take that time to GRAB YO BITCHES.
--Video package setup, full-length this time.
TRIPLE THREAT WWE TITLE -- CHRIS JERICHO (230,Manhasset, NY Winnipeg) v. CHRISTIAN w/Tyson Tomko (224, Toronto) v. JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA):
Uh, Reno? We just lost our roof down here. Lit...little help? Big Cena chant to open as everyone smacktalks each other. Storyline: everybody hates everybody. Wrestling RULES. Jericho points at Cena, Cena slaps it away and Jericho slaps Cena period. Takedown from the Doctor and the right hands. Christian stomps Cena and now Vitamin C double teams the WWE Champ. Christian with a boot choke. Coach has Christian, Lawler Jericho, and JR "has" Cena. Jericho bringing the WHOO!, Christian bringing the open-handed WHOO! Now Jericho lays out Christian, back elbow off the ropes. Elbow drop off the ropes to the pride of Toronto, repeated, and off the opposite side. Tomko almost lowbridges him out but that's enough of a distraction to allow a trip--press drop puts Jericho face-first into the barrier. In-ring, Cena with rights on Christian and the leaping hiptoss. Stomp central. Tomko now trips Cena but gets caught this time and expelled. Vegas sings the Problem Solver out. Cena press drops a charging Captain Charisma. Cross-corner, with Christian slingshotting out but onto Cena's shoulders--FU TO THE FLOOR BACK FIRST! Holy shit. Cena up, Jericho flying back elbow off the top for 2. Suplay from Y2J, short dropkick too. Paintbrush job and that gets Cena's fighting spirit back up. At least until the eye rake. WHOO! WHOO! Jericho trash talking in the corner, cross-corner, Cena boots him down. Right hands, but Jericho reverses this cross-corner whip and bulldog. Lionsault no but the former Undisputed Champion (mentioned in his intro by JR) lands on his feet. Back elbow and a baseball slide, Cena hits the floor chest-first. Whip sends the kid into the barrier. Jericho throws Mark Yeaton out of the way and slams Cena face-first into the timekeeping table. Chris! Clear the table! ECW chant but Cena blocks the suplex. Again--DDT! No countouts? Since when. Replay and OOH did Cena hit that full-on. Christian takes this opportunity to rise from the dead and slam Cena's face into the steps. Back in, it gets a long 2 count.
The former Conquistador with the right hands and now choking the life out of Cena, before switching over to doing it with the rear chinlock. No DQs, too? OK, whatever. Coach complains about the inclusion of Jericho during the Cena fighting out period but Christian cuts him off with a forearm shot to the back. Christian says You Can't See Me--well, this can't possibly end well for him--clothesline. Yup. Seconded, and Cena off the ropes with a flying shoulderblock. Cena behind Christian, (uncalled) Killswitch! I believe this is the original You Can't See Me! Five Knuckle but Jericho pulls Cena out of the ring and whips him into the steps CHRISTIAN BASEBALL SLIDE takes out Jericho from deep left field, Replay of both, and Hebner landed on top of the table from Jericho's impact. Chest thumping from Christian 'cause that's how he rolls and all. Off the ropes, Jericho rolls through the sunset flip and preps the Walls. No dice (ha HA!), Christian knocks Jericho back into the ropes where he knocks Cena off the apron, small package by Christian but a kickout. Christian stomps Jericho and goes up top. Y2J has him--but Cena has HIM--POWERBOMB SUPERPLEX! HOLY SHIT! Cena first back in it, cover Jericho for a long 2. Christian covered, same deal. Right hands by the first lottery pick to Jericho, now a headbutt, I think it's the Classic Comeback. Hi, Chris. Bye, Chris. Hi, Christian. Bye, Christian. Hi Chris Bye Chris Hi Christian Bye Christian slam for Jericho OW drop toe hold to Christian into Jericho's flippin' skull. You could hear that thud in Barstow. He's got that look in his eyes, and it turns out they both can't see him. If you're feeling like a pimp, go on, brush your shoulders off 10 Knuckle Shuffle! Cena calling for the FU but Jericho staying around. Whip reversed, Cena schoolboy only gets one because Christian schoolboys him, 2. Jericho double jacknife! But a double kickout. Cena & Christian double clothesline Jericho, then each other. Cena chant as Jericho's up top. Cena cuts him off at the pass. Christian rammed headfirst into Y2J's crotch, another schoolboy from Cena, 2. He has Christian up but the Czar of Charisma rakes the eyes and counters with the falling reverse DDT! 2.9! "C'MON!" Christian out of the ring to grab that bling. Hebner cutting him off and Tomko cutting Cena down with the clothesline! Christian dives back in and covers, one, two, NO. TANTRUM~! Cena backdrops Christian out, Walls Of Jericho! Cena's hand comes up but he doesn't tap out. Jericho releasing for the springboard dropkick to get rid of Christian, and WALLS II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! Christian rollup with the tights!?! One, two, NO! Cross-corner reversed, bulldog by Jericho countered to the UNPRETTJericho pushes Christian right into a Cena scoop. Cena swings out Christian to knock down Jericho, FU! The time? Still now. (15'19") ***¼
--They LOWER THE CAGE oh shit tilde tilde tilde. Does anyone think this ISN'T getting a video package? Or Foley going through it? All right then.
HELL IN A CELL WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP -- TRIPLE H (265, Greenwich, CT) v. BATISTA (318, Washington D.C.):
I can read Hunter's lips, and he is not praying. JR gives the parental adivsory warning and I mark out. Triple H pointing to Batista that the cage is being locked and that's distraction enough for him to boot the big man in the gut. Right hands, five of them. Whip to the corner reversed and the champion follows in with a clothesline. Off the ropes and Batista catches and plants with the sidewalk slam. Helmsley rolling out of the ring but catches Dave coming out with another kick to the sternum. Both men block attempts to send the other into the cage. Now they're back in the ring, staring each other down. Collar and elbow, Batista pushing off the side headlock and shoulder takedowing the Game. Clothesline again to take HHH out of the corner, second one puts the challenger on the floor. Batista grabs him by the head and shoves him into the cage. Ow. Repeated, and a whip into the cage! "C'mon Hunter!" Right hands from Batista but Triple H with a boot to the gut and sends Batista shoulder-first into the post. JR notes as the brawl begins on the apron Dave's a righty and took the post with the left, but Triple H grabs him by the head and guillotines him. Replay, and a Batista chant dies quickly with a Triple H running forearm sending their man back-first into the cage! Replay.
Batista whipped to the cage, now twice before Triple H drops him. Back in is the former deacon put, and the search for plunder is on. Chain chain chaiiiiin...Triple H whips Batista! Double time! Batista staggering out to the apron and Triple H chokes his ass out brother! Batista's leaning over the ropes while Triple H is flat on his back pulling with everything he's got. Batista trying anything to fight this off, knee to the back and it's a full-on hanging! JR: This is getting grotesque! The saving grace for the DCite is a guillotine of his own. He has the chain. Whoo hoo hoo, crack that whip! TWICE! Triple H rolls out to the floor! Batista spits on your floor, THIRD whip across the back! Bearhug...into the post! The corner! The post! The corner! Shades of the HBK/Taker original! Head-first sending Triple H to the cage and now back in. We have blood! Batista with three right hands, Triple H reversing the whip into the Double A spinebuster. Now the Game rolls out, the Muta scale escalating by the second.
And gets a BARBED WIRE STEEL CHAIR! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to violence - shot across the back! JR: God almighty! Holy shit chant. Dur. Ugh, they showed the holes it opened up on the Animal's back. I love it. Triple H cracks itAGAIN! Coach: And the look on Batista's face is saying 'I expected something, I didn't expect this.' Batista knocks the chair from the grasp of the Cerebral Assassin and whips him into the ropes, Shitty Momentum Reversing Facebuster To The Knee (™ Matt Spaulding) by Hunter. Triple H off the ropes, lariat from Batista. It's about a .6 Muta from Trips here. And Batista has the chair. You expect mercy from a caged Animal? I got your mercy right here! WHOMP! The scale, she has exploded! JR has a quadruple bypass and brings up the lord's name on five seprate occassions in fifteen seconds. Chesse grater spot to H's face with the chair! Oh, I'm getting a titch nauseous. Replay of the chair shot and quickly back to real time BATISTA CHEESE GRATERING TRIPLE H INTO THE CAGE! Some woman is screaming, and I swear it's not me. LAWN DART INTO THE CAGE! Flair flop. Batista is snarling, I swear. Into the ring and the corner, shoulder shots to the stomach. Triple H out of the corner and the World Champ shoulders the post. Triple H has the chair in mid ring, kick wham Pedibackdrop! Recovery, now a slugfest--Batista Bulldog powerslam on the chair! First cover!?! 1, 2, NO. Batista now with the chain, HHH DDT on the chair! Batista out to the floor. JR: Is this the homicide of two careers?! Replay, and Triple H is using the cage to stay up. DOUBLE JUICE~! Batista thrown into the cage and ew Triple H gets his cheese grater into the cage receipt on. The 10x World Champion throws in his protege...and cue Peter Gabriel.
Dave makes him drop it with a kick to the gut, right hands exchanged and advantage Game. Whip reversed, Batista kick wham Demon backdropped. Triple H has his other significant other, HAMMER SHOT! One, two, shoulder! Replay. HHH still has it in his grasp but Batista kicks him in the junk before he can flatline him with a second shot. Everybody down. Batista has the sledge and a devious, devious look in his eyes. Incoming! Triple H BLASTS him with a chain-enhanced right hand! One, two, NO! Helmsley asking Chioda but goes back to the chain--perhaps the DiBiase Special off the second rope? Batista gets the hammer up under the chin as he comes off and the Game S P E W S blood! Flair Flop II. I would just like to lay aside my facade of journalistic integrity: this rules. Batista chant, and both men are crawling. Batista with a second wind apparently, right, right, right, right. Triple H to his knee, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13! Even if that wasn't intentional, that was cool. Game DOWN. Cross-corner whip and the Flair Flip over the top! Batista stalking, whip into the steps! He takes off the top row and CLONGS Triple H in the left temple with them! The base is put in the ring, and now the Game is too. Big Dave putting steps against ropes, slams Triple H face-first into the base! TWICE! THREE OF A KIND! Irish whip isn't reversed and Triple H takes the steps AGAIN! Triple H thumbs up? Oh, no. Triple H. Thumbs. DOWN. Triple H not going up, Flair uppercut KICK WHAM PEDIGREE! SHIT! ONE, TWO, THRENOOO! Loud Batista chant as the replay shows he hit the Glass Ceiling Driver dead on. Triple H bringing the steps into mid-ring--Pedigree on the fucking steps! NO! Batista counters and gets him up LEVIATHAN SPINEBUSTER ON THE STEPS! Good LORD! The Animal has a glazed look on his eyes but finds Triple H and sets up--the sledgehammer's in the Game's hand, though! Batista's got him up, Triple H cocks back the sledge Demon BOMB! One! Two! And three! (25'55") ****½
WOW. Dave finally gets up and holds the belt up. The smile on his face is of relief, and it's still creepy.
PPV of the Year? Does the Pope take a shit in the woods?
And I'm outta here like Akio Time. :(
FOR EVERY BEGINNING, THERE COMES AN END. Batista. Triple H. Hell In A Cell. World Title. (Oh, and props to whoever snuck the Manson snippet of "CruciFiction In Space" in there towards the end.)
--Vengeance is brought to you BAH: THQ's Juiced. Coach is with the usual suspects for a change. Hugo & Carlos are at ringside waiting for the inevitable. The set is all Vegas, baby, Vegas, with a roulette wheel, oversized dice, the Welcome to Vegas sign used for the Tron, and playing cards to represent the match participants. Let's get it started in herrrrrrrre...
INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE -- SHELTON BENJAMIN (248, Orangeburg, South Carolina) v. CARLITO (230, the Caribbean):
Justin makes a rare error by annoucing 3C as the challenger, so Let Us Take You Back To Six Days Ago when a botched Shelton dive and Carlito CHEATING TO WIN~! brought us the first new IC Champ since before Halloween. Good Shelton chant as we get this title match and the PPV underway from Sin City. Collar and elbow as Lawler goes over Carlito winning the United States title in his first WWE match. Shelton powers it into the corner and breaks clean. Fireman's carry from Benjamin gets a one count, and upon kickout C Cubed backs up to the ropes. JR says the young Colon is the 18th man to hold both the Intercontinental and United States titles. Another c & e, Shelton works the side headlock and into the headlock takeover. Lawler brings up Shelton covering off a basic move that early means he's probably not 100% and wants to end this ASAP. Good Lord, did Jerry Lawler just make two good, pertinent points in the same minute? Carlito reverses to the grounded headscissors and Shelton counters the counter with a jacknife a la Owen for 2. Carlito with a kick to the stomach and a couple of forearm shots to the back before elbowing the back of the head. Cross-corner whip but Benjamin lines his way out. WHOO! Whip into the ropes, kitchen sink and another pair for the big winner from last year's draft lottery. Carlito crawling away but Shelton immediately gets a side headlock. Off into the ropes and Mr. Cool executes a shoulder knockdown. Smirk. Off the ropes as Shelton nips up and clotheslines him down. Carlito decides the beating up portion of this match is making him sad, grabs his belt, and decides to see if he can get into Rain. Lawler and Coach, oddly suddenly chummy, agree it's better to be a winning champion than a fighting champion. Sadly, Shelton catches him at the rampway and gives him what for. And by "what for", I mean a series of punches in the face.
Back in, snap suplex, another 2 for Shelton. Carlito reaches deep into his encyclopedia of wrestling knowledge and thumbs the former Tag Champ in the iris. Driving him into the corner with a knee to the sternum, cross-corner is reversed. Carlito gets the hell out of the way but Shelton is Catman and leaps to the top. Pivoting--flying lariat! Carlito sits up with a glazed expression and falls back but Shelton's taking a while to cover...there it is for 2¾. Right hands in the corner but Carlito stops his offense with one good right of his own and then a forearm to the back of the head. Knee to the face and now to a rear chinlock that has Benjamin facing the crowd between the bottom and middle ropes. "Let's go Shelton!" chant is cut off as Cool kicks him square in the back of the head, thus sending him out to the floor with his ups in a heaval. Small but loud "Shelton sucks!" chant. Barely 2 on the cover after the champ brought him back in. Replay of the boot shot. Carlito strings together a series of slams as a Carlito chant starts to go up. After the trilogy has ended, Carlito covers for a pair. Rear chinlock and now the Carlito chant gets louder as he stomps away. Two-count. Carlito gets into it with Chioda, and Shelton rolls him up for 2. Carlito recovers first and bashes away at Shelton with axehandle shots. Rear chinlock. "Carlito!" "Sucks!" The "Shelton!" chant settles that draw out and he fights up. Well, it's not like Carlito can pull his hair or anything. Shelton gets loose and hits a cyclone back elbow off the ropes but he's still down after completion.
The count goes up to 7 with Carlito up first. Forearm shot, right hands. Whip is short-arm reversed by the All-American, and Carlito runs into a Samoan drop. Recovery time for Shelton, then a cover, Carlito barely escapes. Slugfest from their knees on the mat and then ready or not Shelton B. taking over, rights, chops, punches. The crowd seems to be split as Benjamin lines Carlito down. Clothesline #2, baaaaaaaaack body drop. The people cheering for Carlito are all deep-voiced guys with nice seats while the young un's are in Shelton's corner so maybe it's not the split reaction I think it is. Cobra clutch backbreaker! The Wave of the Future (somebody's gotta call something that good, and who better than me?) gets 2.9. Shelton ascends and takes forever. Lawler & Coach acknowledge the number of Carlito fans and it is, of course, at this exact moment the Shelton chant begins to dominate again. Carlito decides to stop waiting on his hard-boiled egg and cuts off the Carolinian. Slugfest until Shelton grabs by the Fro and guillotines Carlito, taking himself to the floor in the process. Coach brings up the stupidity of hitting a move you can't immediately go for a cover on when you're in a weakened state. Shelton on the apron--springboard bulldog! One, two, barely does the shoulder shoot out on that one. Chioda pulling Shelton off Carlito so he hammers the back. Had he been able to see past the Dr. J shoutout he would also see the champion is removing the turnbuckle pad. Huge jeers for that. Carlito kicks the gut, Blue Thunder! That move? That's cool. The execution, not so much. Cover, two, nine-tenths! Whip by Carlito and he catches Shelton's foot, Dragon WHIP! Carlito stumbles into the corner as Benjamin revs the engine, Stinger Splash right into the exposed turnbuckles! Carlito with the schoolboy, throws in some tights for good measure, 3. (12'50") ***
--Triple H & Slick Ric are dans la maison.
--As the first video package of the PPV proper rolls, it occurs to me I've watched Victoria smash that glass jar over Christy's head about 11 times in a row and it still doesn't cease to be fucking hilarious. Smash, smash, smash, rewind, rewind, rewind...
VICTORIA (120, San Bernadino, CA) v. CHRISTY (185, the Eighth Circle of Hell):
Victoria's music is apparently done by the same Evil Remixers who did Eddie's work; this begs the question if these musicians are evil by practice or charge extra for the express purpose of evil remixes. Now that she's evil again, Victoria's fuckability increased by a factor of about 50. I guess the "All The Things She Said" patent is sadly expired. I miss TATU. Where was I? Oh, right, a match:
Christy comes down a fussin' and a snortin'. Victoria bails and the chase is on; it ends in the ring with Victoria outsmarting the Diva Search weiner and stomping away. Whip to the ropes but Christy boots Victoria when she ducks too soon. Hemme from the mount position and she slams Victoria's head into the mat. Citizens! Count to 10 as I smash this woman's face in yonder turnbuckle! Choke in the corner but the crafty vet counters out of there by bringing her out with the Stun Gun. Victoria now with control again, pummels Christy. I approve. Replay of the way of the Gun. Hair pull Gory special (almost)! Victoria chokes away in the corner. Another replay, another choke. Whip and Victoria shouts-out to Jazz by wrapping both hands around Christy's throat, lifting her up, and keeping her up for the whole allowed five-count. Trifecta of near falls. Lawler chant and V grabs the side chinlock. CHRISTY SUCKS~! chant! I love you, Vegas. Eye rake. Christy slips out of a slam attempt and pushes Victoria to the ropes, but the former Women's Champ hangs on and Hemme goes down per usual. WIDOW'S PE--Christy slips out into a sunset flip--nope, Victoria powers her out of it and shoves her into the corner for another choke. Hemme down, PSYCHOSAULT! Whiffs! Hair pull throw by Christy ("BOO!"), hair pull throwdown ("BOO!"), again ("BOO! Yes, again!"), boots to the gut and an actually well-executed DDT! That's her third move! By 2073 she'll have revolutionized the industry! Victoria somehow survives the relentless assault and kicks out. Cross corner whip reversed, and Hemme goes for her splits into sunset flip but Victoria sits on her face (!) and grabs the ropes. Three! (5'07") * Remember, evil will always prevail over good because good is dumb.
--Todd Grisham : John Cena :: Kevin Kelly : the Rock. I actually got voted Most Likely To Host A Talk Show, oddly enough.
--Video Package Fact: Kane's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
EDGE w/Lita (250, Toronto) v. KANE HARDY VERSION ONE (320, PARTS UNKNOWN~!):
I'm putting the over/under of Matt related chants at...24. There's one before Kane comes out. Kane chases Edge around and back in, Edge stomps away. You just DID this spot to start the LAST match! Kane shoves him off and lays in the right hands in the corner. We Want Matt (2). Citizens! Count to..26 as I pummel this man about the face and head?! Wow. UPPERCUT. I'm baaaaack body drop. Choke against the middle ropes, and then another pair of right hands. We Want Matt (3). Cross-corner as the chant allows Lawler & Coach to talk about the Hilarious Swerve from the wedding as Kane lines Edge out. Now to stalk Lita. *ominous music* *upbeat, spritely music* Edge sneaking up from behind Kane *ominous music* but Kane pivots and drops him *upbeat, spritely music* Back in and the former World Champion checks his boot size on Edge's head. "She's a crack whore!" First booing Christy, now this--these are people I can have a beer with! Also, in a side tangent, Kane is still pummeling Edge. Elbow shot, choking away. Eye rake from Edge. He hits the ropes; Kane tries to hiptoss him out but Edge saves himself on the apron. Kane then rams him into the turnbuckle and a running forearm shot drops Edge to the floor. We Want Matt (5). Kane slams Edge's head into the barrier and then lays in the uppercut. Bearhug and a ram into the barrier. Kane glares at Lita and picks Edge up but Lita jerks Edge off. Jerks Edge OUT. You would've thought spell check would pick that up. Edge now shoves Kane all the way into the post. Spear!
Edge rolls back into the ring and is more than content to win by countout. It doesn't come to pass as Kane saves the match at 8, and as such Edge baseball slides Kane in the ribs to drop him back to the floor. We take it back in the ring as Edge lays in some stomps and punts to the ribs. Spear to the corner! You Screwed Matt (6). Edge uses the ropes to jump up and drive his knees into the sternum. Now Edge in control to lay in the right hands. Kane has a simple question: does your BROTHER wrestle by any chance, little girl? Boom boom boom, Edge slips a slam and hits the Edge O'Matic (still unnamed). ZOMBIE SITUP. Edge registers shock and then runs for the ropes to hit a short dropkick ZOMBIE SITUP I TELL YOU! Right hand, cross-corner. Edge countering with the back elbow but flies off into another uppercut. Snake Eyes (how apropo) and a clothesline get Kane two. Edge gets a boot in the face of the Big Red Machine but runs into a sidewalk slam. Kane going all the way up to the top for the Air Kane flying lariat--countered with a dropkick! Edge setting up in the corner now, speaBOOT! Kane calling for the coup de gras, and Snitsky's here. Boot. Now he's on the floor. Goozle, but Lita in with a chair. Kane catches her and she makes the googily eyes. Glen Jacobs, an astute observer of social commentary and human nature, quotes one of his favorite Afro-American philosophers of the late 20th century: suck THIS, bitch! Chokes her down and the absence of a chokeslam draws boos. Hey, look, a chair! He puts her head in it a la HBK. DO IT! ICE THE BITCH! IT'S PAY-PER-VIEW! BETTER THE KIDS LEARN IT HERE THAN OUT ON THE STREETS! Snitsky boots Kane down as Chioda saves Lita. Opportunistically, Edge covers. Kane kicks out. Edge setting up the EDT (Edgecution```) but gets pushed off. Snitsky comes after Kane again, goozle. Edge with a running start and the briefcase but Kane dodges. Gene does not. Choke. SLAM. Check, please. (11'13") **¾
--Handy-dandy setup video package for The Rematch. Vengeance will be mine, sayeth the Showstopper.
KURT ANGLE (220, Pittsburgh) v. SHAWN MICHAELS (225, San Antonio):
Kurt doesn't get pyro and Shawn does? Dubious. HBK chant and the bell rings to do the damn thing. Collar and elbow, Kurt with the power position to put both men in the corner and we...get a clean break. Second lockup, Angle go-behind, HBK briefly out of the tactics, Angle reapplies and Shawn scrambles to and gets the ropes. Third time now, Michaels with the side headlock and keeps in off after the rope pushoff attempt from the Olympian. Angle back up, putting them in the corner--hey, two clean breaks. Cauliflower ear check which ties into the keeping-the-headlock-on self-referential spot that just happened, which I appreciate. Angle Sux chant as they try it again, this time the ropes are hit and a shoulder knockdown by the SmackDown refugee. Point, Angle. Off the ropes, Michaels hiptoss. Point, Shawn. Right into the armBAR, and Angle fights up. Hair pull takedown for the armBAR himself and knee right against the temple. Helpful closeup. Angle drives his knees into Shawn's left arm and HBK bails out. Angle with the helpful admonition "C'mon", so Shawn chops him a couple of times in the corner with extreme prejudice and mass velocity. Kurt would now like to take a tour of the floor. So it's back to the collar-and-elbow, and Angle immediately dives for the anklelock. Michaels blocking it, so Kurt counters to a ½ crab which sadly for him is right by the ropes Shawn uses. Michaels with a right, two more chops. Cross-corner reversed but Michaels boots the charging Kurt, sunset flip no anklelock yes! Rolled through, and a clothesline sends Angle to concrete; no major damage done yet. HBK out to the floor to continue choppin broccoli, Angle with a kick and BY GOD he's going to Angle Slam him into the post again no he isn't, swingandamiss GERMAN SUPLEX ONTO THE SPANISH TABLE! ¡DIOS MIO! The gringos have their own version. Moment of the Night--Hugo (or Carlos): ¡PELIGRO! ¡PELIGRO! Replay confirms--that had to hurt like a bastard. Kurt arguing the count then just decides to bring in Shawn, 2½. I guess.
Kneelift and a neckbreaker from Kurt. Two. Again. Dos. Deux goddamnit Kurt nobody wins with a neckbreaker anymore, stop it. Top rope choke as Michaels was making a move to bail yet again. Boot choke in the corner and some stomps. Kurt and plenty ofs it right now. European uppercut with some stank on it is doubled. Replay. Regal who? Slugfest, but Kurt cuts Shawn off with a kick to the gut TURNBUCKLE *BOMB*! How this did not end the match makes me think I am not watching something on the up-and-up here. Replay as Kurt and the seeing world are in disbelief. Angle dropping elbows, suplex, 2. A third replay, and now one in slo-mo. I don't care where you're from, that's gotta hurt. During these replays Kurt's been kind enough to strap a rear chinlock on. HBK fighting out, the Grand Slammer with another chip. Cross-corner, Angle dodges and RELEASE GERMAN! I'm not capitalizing these to be difficult, I'm doing it to show the complete awesomeness of the moves Kurt is throwing out here. Another long 2. ANGLE SLArmdrag but Kurt just mows Shawn down with a clothesline, another nearfall. To the corner we go, as Angle sets him up for the mecha overhead belly-to-belly. Michaels fights off and flies into the Vegas night. Air. Whuh-oh; overhead belly-to-belly on the mat, cover, two, point five. Lawler: When a cat does something, they say it's as quick as Kurt Angle. Whip and a sleeper that slowly drops Shawn all the way to the mat in a pin. Two more two counts. Angle torques the Heartbreak Kid's head at about a 40-degree angle.
The power of Christ compels Shawn to fight out of this, back suplex. Doan's count hits 7. Another "¿Quien Es Mas Macho?" slugfest to Michaels this time, and another duplex of chops. Whip reversed into the Flying Santana? Hit the square on your HBK Bingo. Kurt up at 8 and there's the nip-up. It's going to be good seeing that get booed again, and I suggest you get that dauber back in hand: punch punch punch inverted atomic drop clothesline scoop slam Savage elbow. And the Lawd said you got to warm the band upah! Angle says "Fuck your God, your Lord and your Christ!" and runs Shawn over with a clothesline when he tries to stomp! Yes! Two and a half, though. Doan was half out of the ring on the count, which is cool. ANGLE SLADDT! Two, two, two. All three times Angle barely musters a shoulder up. Replay of the Sweet Forearm Music twice. Both men down and up at 5, Angle slips out of the suplex attempt for a German! Michaels throws a couple back elbows, Kurt sidesteps ANGLE SLAM! One, two, kickout! Replay as an elbow caught Angle flush in the schnozz. ANGLESmall package! One, two, no, and Angle rolls through into the ANKLELOCK! He's got it on but he's sitting down; there he goes, and Angle gets rolled into Doan. Angle recovers and backdrops Michaels to the floor. Some tech guy goes "Oh, shit" as Michaels groans and holds his knee and they call for Fit Et Al. Angle has the appropriate response to this and puts Shawn back in. Down Come The Straps! Snap Sweet Chin no ANKLELOCK! HBK reaching now with a recovered Doan, and kicks Angle off NOT! Roll through? How about Kurt says it in Spanish? NO! HBK chant and he's about two feet away...one foot away...six...eight feet away! Damn I loves me some Kurt Angle, especially with pull-back action. About a minute in it, Michaels rolls Angle through and he shoulders the post. Both men recovering SWEET CHIN MUSIC! But Shawn's down, too. Count's at 7--8--9--Shawn flumps a shoulder on for one, two, NO! Replay. Angle shakes free of the weak lateral press and goes up? WTF? Sweet Chin Music II. The. Fucking. End. (26'13") Not quite. But close. ****¼.
--Batista cuts a very simple promo. "Lose my belt? Death first!" Triple H comes out to rebut. "Cell. Undefeated. You suck." Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight
--Lillian comes out and sings to the Notorious V.I.S. She proposes. Out comes the Godfather and five of his...employees. Vis chooses quantity over quality. Lillian cries. I just saved you 10 minutes. You may want to take that time to GRAB YO BITCHES.
--Video package setup, full-length this time.
TRIPLE THREAT WWE TITLE -- CHRIS JERICHO (230,
Uh, Reno? We just lost our roof down here. Lit...little help? Big Cena chant to open as everyone smacktalks each other. Storyline: everybody hates everybody. Wrestling RULES. Jericho points at Cena, Cena slaps it away and Jericho slaps Cena period. Takedown from the Doctor and the right hands. Christian stomps Cena and now Vitamin C double teams the WWE Champ. Christian with a boot choke. Coach has Christian, Lawler Jericho, and JR "has" Cena. Jericho bringing the WHOO!, Christian bringing the open-handed WHOO! Now Jericho lays out Christian, back elbow off the ropes. Elbow drop off the ropes to the pride of Toronto, repeated, and off the opposite side. Tomko almost lowbridges him out but that's enough of a distraction to allow a trip--press drop puts Jericho face-first into the barrier. In-ring, Cena with rights on Christian and the leaping hiptoss. Stomp central. Tomko now trips Cena but gets caught this time and expelled. Vegas sings the Problem Solver out. Cena press drops a charging Captain Charisma. Cross-corner, with Christian slingshotting out but onto Cena's shoulders--FU TO THE FLOOR BACK FIRST! Holy shit. Cena up, Jericho flying back elbow off the top for 2. Suplay from Y2J, short dropkick too. Paintbrush job and that gets Cena's fighting spirit back up. At least until the eye rake. WHOO! WHOO! Jericho trash talking in the corner, cross-corner, Cena boots him down. Right hands, but Jericho reverses this cross-corner whip and bulldog. Lionsault no but the former Undisputed Champion (mentioned in his intro by JR) lands on his feet. Back elbow and a baseball slide, Cena hits the floor chest-first. Whip sends the kid into the barrier. Jericho throws Mark Yeaton out of the way and slams Cena face-first into the timekeeping table. Chris! Clear the table! ECW chant but Cena blocks the suplex. Again--DDT! No countouts? Since when. Replay and OOH did Cena hit that full-on. Christian takes this opportunity to rise from the dead and slam Cena's face into the steps. Back in, it gets a long 2 count.
The former Conquistador with the right hands and now choking the life out of Cena, before switching over to doing it with the rear chinlock. No DQs, too? OK, whatever. Coach complains about the inclusion of Jericho during the Cena fighting out period but Christian cuts him off with a forearm shot to the back. Christian says You Can't See Me--well, this can't possibly end well for him--clothesline. Yup. Seconded, and Cena off the ropes with a flying shoulderblock. Cena behind Christian, (uncalled) Killswitch! I believe this is the original You Can't See Me! Five Knuckle but Jericho pulls Cena out of the ring and whips him into the steps CHRISTIAN BASEBALL SLIDE takes out Jericho from deep left field, Replay of both, and Hebner landed on top of the table from Jericho's impact. Chest thumping from Christian 'cause that's how he rolls and all. Off the ropes, Jericho rolls through the sunset flip and preps the Walls. No dice (ha HA!), Christian knocks Jericho back into the ropes where he knocks Cena off the apron, small package by Christian but a kickout. Christian stomps Jericho and goes up top. Y2J has him--but Cena has HIM--POWERBOMB SUPERPLEX! HOLY SHIT! Cena first back in it, cover Jericho for a long 2. Christian covered, same deal. Right hands by the first lottery pick to Jericho, now a headbutt, I think it's the Classic Comeback. Hi, Chris. Bye, Chris. Hi, Christian. Bye, Christian. Hi Chris Bye Chris Hi Christian Bye Christian slam for Jericho OW drop toe hold to Christian into Jericho's flippin' skull. You could hear that thud in Barstow. He's got that look in his eyes, and it turns out they both can't see him. If you're feeling like a pimp, go on, brush your shoulders off 10 Knuckle Shuffle! Cena calling for the FU but Jericho staying around. Whip reversed, Cena schoolboy only gets one because Christian schoolboys him, 2. Jericho double jacknife! But a double kickout. Cena & Christian double clothesline Jericho, then each other. Cena chant as Jericho's up top. Cena cuts him off at the pass. Christian rammed headfirst into Y2J's crotch, another schoolboy from Cena, 2. He has Christian up but the Czar of Charisma rakes the eyes and counters with the falling reverse DDT! 2.9! "C'MON!" Christian out of the ring to grab that bling. Hebner cutting him off and Tomko cutting Cena down with the clothesline! Christian dives back in and covers, one, two, NO. TANTRUM~! Cena backdrops Christian out, Walls Of Jericho! Cena's hand comes up but he doesn't tap out. Jericho releasing for the springboard dropkick to get rid of Christian, and WALLS II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! Christian rollup with the tights!?! One, two, NO! Cross-corner reversed, bulldog by Jericho countered to the UNPRETTJericho pushes Christian right into a Cena scoop. Cena swings out Christian to knock down Jericho, FU! The time? Still now. (15'19") ***¼
--They LOWER THE CAGE oh shit tilde tilde tilde. Does anyone think this ISN'T getting a video package? Or Foley going through it? All right then.
HELL IN A CELL WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP -- TRIPLE H (265, Greenwich, CT) v. BATISTA (318, Washington D.C.):
I can read Hunter's lips, and he is not praying. JR gives the parental adivsory warning and I mark out. Triple H pointing to Batista that the cage is being locked and that's distraction enough for him to boot the big man in the gut. Right hands, five of them. Whip to the corner reversed and the champion follows in with a clothesline. Off the ropes and Batista catches and plants with the sidewalk slam. Helmsley rolling out of the ring but catches Dave coming out with another kick to the sternum. Both men block attempts to send the other into the cage. Now they're back in the ring, staring each other down. Collar and elbow, Batista pushing off the side headlock and shoulder takedowing the Game. Clothesline again to take HHH out of the corner, second one puts the challenger on the floor. Batista grabs him by the head and shoves him into the cage. Ow. Repeated, and a whip into the cage! "C'mon Hunter!" Right hands from Batista but Triple H with a boot to the gut and sends Batista shoulder-first into the post. JR notes as the brawl begins on the apron Dave's a righty and took the post with the left, but Triple H grabs him by the head and guillotines him. Replay, and a Batista chant dies quickly with a Triple H running forearm sending their man back-first into the cage! Replay.
Batista whipped to the cage, now twice before Triple H drops him. Back in is the former deacon put, and the search for plunder is on. Chain chain chaiiiiin...Triple H whips Batista! Double time! Batista staggering out to the apron and Triple H chokes his ass out brother! Batista's leaning over the ropes while Triple H is flat on his back pulling with everything he's got. Batista trying anything to fight this off, knee to the back and it's a full-on hanging! JR: This is getting grotesque! The saving grace for the DCite is a guillotine of his own. He has the chain. Whoo hoo hoo, crack that whip! TWICE! Triple H rolls out to the floor! Batista spits on your floor, THIRD whip across the back! Bearhug...into the post! The corner! The post! The corner! Shades of the HBK/Taker original! Head-first sending Triple H to the cage and now back in. We have blood! Batista with three right hands, Triple H reversing the whip into the Double A spinebuster. Now the Game rolls out, the Muta scale escalating by the second.
And gets a BARBED WIRE STEEL CHAIR! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to violence - shot across the back! JR: God almighty! Holy shit chant. Dur. Ugh, they showed the holes it opened up on the Animal's back. I love it. Triple H cracks itAGAIN! Coach: And the look on Batista's face is saying 'I expected something, I didn't expect this.' Batista knocks the chair from the grasp of the Cerebral Assassin and whips him into the ropes, Shitty Momentum Reversing Facebuster To The Knee (™ Matt Spaulding) by Hunter. Triple H off the ropes, lariat from Batista. It's about a .6 Muta from Trips here. And Batista has the chair. You expect mercy from a caged Animal? I got your mercy right here! WHOMP! The scale, she has exploded! JR has a quadruple bypass and brings up the lord's name on five seprate occassions in fifteen seconds. Chesse grater spot to H's face with the chair! Oh, I'm getting a titch nauseous. Replay of the chair shot and quickly back to real time BATISTA CHEESE GRATERING TRIPLE H INTO THE CAGE! Some woman is screaming, and I swear it's not me. LAWN DART INTO THE CAGE! Flair flop. Batista is snarling, I swear. Into the ring and the corner, shoulder shots to the stomach. Triple H out of the corner and the World Champ shoulders the post. Triple H has the chair in mid ring, kick wham Pedibackdrop! Recovery, now a slugfest--Batista Bulldog powerslam on the chair! First cover!?! 1, 2, NO. Batista now with the chain, HHH DDT on the chair! Batista out to the floor. JR: Is this the homicide of two careers?! Replay, and Triple H is using the cage to stay up. DOUBLE JUICE~! Batista thrown into the cage and ew Triple H gets his cheese grater into the cage receipt on. The 10x World Champion throws in his protege...and cue Peter Gabriel.
Dave makes him drop it with a kick to the gut, right hands exchanged and advantage Game. Whip reversed, Batista kick wham Demon backdropped. Triple H has his other significant other, HAMMER SHOT! One, two, shoulder! Replay. HHH still has it in his grasp but Batista kicks him in the junk before he can flatline him with a second shot. Everybody down. Batista has the sledge and a devious, devious look in his eyes. Incoming! Triple H BLASTS him with a chain-enhanced right hand! One, two, NO! Helmsley asking Chioda but goes back to the chain--perhaps the DiBiase Special off the second rope? Batista gets the hammer up under the chin as he comes off and the Game S P E W S blood! Flair Flop II. I would just like to lay aside my facade of journalistic integrity: this rules. Batista chant, and both men are crawling. Batista with a second wind apparently, right, right, right, right. Triple H to his knee, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13! Even if that wasn't intentional, that was cool. Game DOWN. Cross-corner whip and the Flair Flip over the top! Batista stalking, whip into the steps! He takes off the top row and CLONGS Triple H in the left temple with them! The base is put in the ring, and now the Game is too. Big Dave putting steps against ropes, slams Triple H face-first into the base! TWICE! THREE OF A KIND! Irish whip isn't reversed and Triple H takes the steps AGAIN! Triple H thumbs up? Oh, no. Triple H. Thumbs. DOWN. Triple H not going up, Flair uppercut KICK WHAM PEDIGREE! SHIT! ONE, TWO, THRENOOO! Loud Batista chant as the replay shows he hit the Glass Ceiling Driver dead on. Triple H bringing the steps into mid-ring--Pedigree on the fucking steps! NO! Batista counters and gets him up LEVIATHAN SPINEBUSTER ON THE STEPS! Good LORD! The Animal has a glazed look on his eyes but finds Triple H and sets up--the sledgehammer's in the Game's hand, though! Batista's got him up, Triple H cocks back the sledge Demon BOMB! One! Two! And three! (25'55") ****½
WOW. Dave finally gets up and holds the belt up. The smile on his face is of relief, and it's still creepy.
PPV of the Year? Does the Pope take a shit in the woods?
And I'm outta here like Akio Time. :(
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