CHIKARA Tag World Grand Prix: Night 1, round 1, part 1
Okay, here's how I'll do this here CHIKARA recap thing. I'll chop the first round from each night into two parts, then do the second round in a separate post. So there's 6 posts worth of new material from me. The world trembles. Not sure how night three will end up looking, because I haven't actually done it yet. Anyway...
The Intro:
If you're not familiar with CHIKARA Pro Wrestling, let me try to drop a bit of insight into your bland, colorless world. Based in PA, CHIKARA is one of the few wrestling companies out there that purposely looks to be family friendly. The matches are heavily lucha influenced, mixed with the more typical US indy style. You'll see lots of comedy spots as well. In the world of ultra-serious indy wrestling companies, CHIKARA has a sense of humor. Most of the regular CHIKARA crew are trainees of Mike Quackenbush and Chris Hero.
This is night one of the World Tag Grand Prix. They decided to go balls out and hold the biggest tag team tournament in the history of the business. 32 teams in all. Nights one and two will each have a 16 man tourney, with the 8 remaining teams moving on to night three. The matches are all held under lucha rules, meaning that no tags are necessary. If your partner rolls to the floor, you can legally enter the match. Another thing that I'll mention, just because it took a bit to get used to for me, is that CHIKARA doesn't use a standard ring. The ring apron is no more than a foot and a half off of the floor. Doesn't seem to really effect anything, but it's still a weird visual at first. Dave Prazak is your announcer, along with whatever guy wants to do color at that moment. Eddie Kingston is the first to volunteer.
-It's time for the opening ceremonies. But before we start, a few announcements: This is family entertainment, so please don't curse around the kids. Also, cell phones off. I expect everyone reading this to follow the same rules. And now it's time to introduce the 16 teams competing tonight:
-Team WXW (Mana, the Polynesian Warrior & John Cabbie)
-Team F.I.S.T. (Icarus & Gran Akuma)
-Ring of Honor Trainees (Shane Hagadorn & Davey Andrews)
-Ring Crew Express (Dunn & Marcos)
-Mano Metalico & Crossbones
-Knight Eye for the Pirate Guy (Jolly Roger & Lance Steel)
-Big Daddy (Shirley Doe & Darkness Crabtree)
-Team Osaka Pro (Ebessan & Billy Ken Kid)
-Arik Cannon & Claudio Castagnoli
-Jigsaw & Sabian
-You Can Call Me Al (Alison Danger & Alere Little Feather)
-Ravage & Rorschach
-Team IWA-Reading (Din Mak & Matt Bomboy)
-Team IWA Mid-South (Danny Daniels & Jimmy Jacobs)
-Team PWG (Super Dragon & B-Boy)
-A mystery team to be revealed later tonight
-Group photo, bitches! Err...sorry. I'll try to watch my language from here on out.
Round 1:
-Team F.I.S.T. promo. Icarus claims that there are 64 men in the tourney this year, but quickly catches himself, saying that it's actually 62 men, one bear and two ladies. That, folks, adds up to 65. I am PERPLEXED!
Team WXW (Mana & John Cabbie) v. Team F.I.S.T. (Icarus & Gran Akuma) -
Icarus and Cabbie open the match. Lockup, side headlock by Icarus. Cabbie shoots him into the ropes, but gets tackled. Icarus crisscrosses the ropes and ends up shortarming Cabbie into a Japanese armdrag. He follows with a headscissors takedown and tags Akuma. They double hiptoss Cabbie, then hit a simultaneous legdrop/senton combo. Akuma covers and gets two. He lays in a series of kicks and tags Icarus back in. Akuma doubles Cabbie over with a kick to the gut. Icarus straightens him back up with a kneelift, allowing Akuma to bulldog him in one fluid motion. He lifts Icarus into position for a powerbomb, then backflips him onto Cabbie (actually, he lands headfirst, but whatever). Cover gets two.
Icarus goes for a whip. Cabbie blocks it and catches him with an enzuigiri. Both guys tag. I wouldn't want to be Akuma, as Mana is a scary looking dude. Can't figure out of that's a real maori tattoo covering half his face or just paint, but still...the dude is Polynesian. In wrestling, that means...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! At any rate, Akuma tries to take him down with a series of thigh kicks, but they have no effect. He ducks a pair of wild haymakers and goes right back to the kicks, backing Mana into the corner. Mana shoves him down. Akuma rolls to his feet and keeps kicking. Second verse, same as the first. Mana is starting to wear down, though
Akuma goes for a tornado DDT, but Mana blocks, sitting him up top. He just obliterates Akuma with a chop. Icarus runs in. Mana hoists him up for a Samoan Drop, then picks up Akuma as well. Double Samoan Drop to Team F.I.S.T.! He lays Akuma out on the mat, then gives Icarus an inverted gutwrench suplex on top of him! Headbutt sends Akuma sprawling into the corner. He bounces off the ropes. Facewash? Nope...straight running knee to the face (x2). He follows with an ass splash and Akuma is toast. Mana suplexes him. Cabbie calls for a tag. Mana doesn't look pleased, but obliges him.
Cabbie whips Akuma into the ropes and punches him in the gut. Cover gets two. Well, that was basic. Butterfly suplex gets him another nearfall. Tag to Mana. Cabbie holds Akuma for a chop. Mana continues to work him over in the corner. He whips him to the opposite corner, but misses a charge. Dropkick by Akuma has zero effect. Tag to Icarus. Dropkick has no effect. Akuma dropkick? Nothing. Same with Icarus. I'd be crapping myself by this point. They both point in the air a la Sabu. Mana looks up and they stomp his bare feet! The follow with a double dropkick to the knees and Mana goes down!
Team F.I.S.T. hit Mana with a double enzuigiri. Both guys make the cover, but Mana easily escapes at two. He looks angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Cabbie decided to tag himself in. Mana? Not happy. Icarus nails Cabbie with a series of forearms. He sends him into the ropes and scores with a dropkick. He goes for another whip, but Cabbie reverses. Mana nails Icarus. He holds him for Cabbie, who lines up for a superkick. It, of course, misses, nailing Mana and knocking him to the floor. Akuma charges Cabbie, but gets backdropped over the top and onto Mana. In the ring, Icarus plants Cabbie with a spinning flapjack sort of move and gets the win!
Fun match. Mana is really over and does quite a believable job of scaring 180 pound babyfaces witless. Everything was solid and this match exemplifies the CHIKARA style. Was it a match of the year candidate? Nope. Nowhere near. Does anyone in the crowd give a crap? Nope. Because it's *ENTERTAINING*. Isn't that supposed to be the point?
-The ROH trainees cut a promo. Hagadorn lets us know that they're the only team in the tournament with any concept of honor. Andrews pulls off his TWGP shirt to reveal his ROH t-shirt. They start arguing over who is the top ROH graduate. Hagadorn says that Andrews might be Punk's favorite, but that he's the better of the two. Andrews busts out his dodgeballs (Err...I have no clue. ROH isn't my thing. Sorry.) and it's go time!
ROH Trainees (Shane Hagadorn & Davey Andrews) v. Ring Crew Express (Dunn & Marcos) -
Before the match can begin, Team ROH pull a Ring of Honor turnbuckle pad out of their bag and attach it to their corner! They almost hang it upside down, though. Oops. To quote Eddie Kingston, "Gabe's gonna be pissed!" We get the traditional ROH pre-match handshake, then the trainees attack! RCE fire back. Somewhere in this, Hagadorn and Dunn horribly botch a go behind spot and it ends up looking more like a Rocker Dropper by Dunn. Yikes. In the confusion, Andrews rolls Marcos up and gets a two count. ROH guys go for clotheslines, but both members of the RCE duck and grab side headlocks. We have noogies, people! NOOGIES! It looks like they're going to ram Hagadorn and Andrews' heads together, but they settle for dueling bulldogs instead. The ROH guys bail out of the ring to regroup.
OH SNAP! It's dodgeball time! Andrews draws an imaginary line down the center of the ring and reluctantly gives up a ball to Marcos. After a bit of posturing, Andrew whips the ball at Dunn, but it's caught! Andrews is eliminated! Hagadorn isn't paying attention, yelling at his partner. He turns and Marcos catches him RIGHT IN THE FACE! That looked painful. At any rate, the Ring Crew Express are your Dodgeball kings! Not to be confused with the Deathmatch Kings, who will be competing in day two of this very tournament. Team ROH isn't happy. They jump Dunn & Marcos as they celebrate. Hagadorn tosses Dunn to the floor and he takes a ridiculous bump to the hardwood floor in the process. The trainees stomp on Marcos for a bit.
Andrews whips him into the ropes and buries a knee into his gut. He follows with a gutwrench gutbuster and gets two. Hagadorn tags in and continues to work over the ribs. He lifts Marcos for a slam and runs him hard into the ROH turnbuckle pad. Marcos is tied to the Tree of Woe and Hagadorn drives a series of knees into his gut. Andrews comes in, distracting the ref. Hagadorn chokes Marcos, holding him wide open for a dropkick to the ribs from Andrews. Sadly, all this hot corner action has torn the ROH pad right off. Andrews looks like he's about to attack Marcos with it, but the ref snatches it away and tosses it to the floor.
Andrews shortarms Marcos from rope to rope, driving a knee into his gut each time. The third time isn't the charm, though, as Marcos rolls him up for a nearfall. Andrews pops up immediately and cuts him off with a shot to the gut. He follows with a kneelift and makes the tag. Hagadorn whips Marcos into the ropes. They mistime...something. Looks like Hagadorn thought that Marcos was going to leapfrog him while Marcos thought he was going to slide between his legs. At any rate, things look awkward for a second, but Marcos gets it back on track with an enzuigiri. He crawls toward his corner, but Hagadorn stops him with a front facelock. Marcos shoves his way toward Dunn, but Andrews runs in to distract the ref. That allows the heels to shove Marcos back into their corner.
Hagadorn drives a series of shoulders into Marcos' gut. Suplex gets two. Team ROH works an insanely long and awkward abdominal stretch sequence that serves little else than to prove that the referee was either blind, or possibly just stupid. The only redeeming part of it all was Eddie Kingston claiming that he saw no cheating on *his* monitor, with Prazak then pointing out that they're not even using monitors! After three eternities, Marcos breaks free with a hiptoss and catches Andrews (now the legal man) with a dropkick. Andrews comes right back, pressing Marcos then falling back and dropping Marcos across his knees.
Marcos ends up close to his corner, but Andrews cuts off a tag by knocking Dunn to the floor. He then stands on Marcos' head as he taunts Dunn. That's awesome. Whip, flapjack by Andrews. Hagadorn tags in. He lays Marcos across the top rope and kicks away at his ribs. Just to be a prick, Andrews sprints down the apron and adds a kick to the head. He climbs to the second rope and Hagadorn hands Marcos to him. Hagadorn drops to one knee and Andrews drives Marcos gutfirst across it. Cover, save by Dunn. Hagadorn tosses Marcos to the floor (which should have made Dunn the legal man. Shh!) and nails Dunn.
Andrews heads up top...diving headbutt onto Marcos on the floor! Holy shit indeed! He rolls Marcos in and Hagadorn scores a nearfall. He knees Marcos in the gut and sends him into the ropes. Marcos ducks a clothesline and counters with a swinging DDT! Double tag! Dunn cleans house on Team ROH. Hagadorn cuts him off and goes for a whip. Dunn reverses, shortarming him into a Gory Driver. He covers, but Andrews makes the save.
Andrews pounds on the back of Dunn's neck with a series of forearms and it looks like he's setting up for a Dragon suplex. Dunn manages to break the full Nelson, but gets dumped with a German suplex anyway. Marcos breaks up the pin. He plants Andrews with a neckbreaker. Hagadorn runs in, attacking Marcos. Fisherman's Buster by Hagadorn!
Dunn chops away at Hagadorn and hoists him up for a cutthroat suplex (basically a burning hammer with the opponent's arm pulled across his own throat). Instead of that, though, he sits out and drops Hagadorn on his head. Ouch. RCE quickly hit their electric chair/senton combo and get the win!
This match...not so good. It seemed to go on forever and these guys just didn't mesh at all. The ROH trainees looked really awkward for some reason. It's not typical of their work, even for how young they are. Anyway, there were still some fun parts. You don't get a game of dodgeball breaking out in the midst of your wrestling matches too often. I, for one, think that's a damn shame.
-Knight Eye for the Pirate Guy promo. Really, how awesome is this team? You have a pirate (ARR!) teaming with a knight from the 16th Century (w/ a time machine!)! Awesome. Jolly Roger (ARR!) tells us that pirates like the following: Fighting, stealing, partying and...fighting. ARR! He also gives us the skinny on Lance Steel's armor. It's level 40 with element resistance! And we don't even want to know about Steel's magical ability.
He fights off hoardes, eats sherbert ice cream and slays dragons. BAD ASS. This is the greatest tag team ever. I didn't even mention Roger's parrot (it's actually stuffed, but no one realizes that, including me!), El Hijo Del Frankie. THE SON OF FRANKIE! Koko B. Ware is like the spiritual adviser of this team. How could they possibly lose? Oh, by the way? ARR!
Oh, here's the part where I'm going to try to lighten up a bit with the play by play. So if you only skimmed the first half, maybe this next part will be more to your liking. If you prefer it, perhaps you should let me know. Or don't! It's all up to you! *shrugs*
Mano Metalico & Crossbones v. Knight Eye For the Pirate Guy (Jolly Roger & Lance Steel) -
I bet Metalico/Crossbones are sad that they didn't get a witty team name. But at the end of the day, Metalico has *A METAL HAND*. I'm sure he dealt with it. Crossbones...wears a mask. Um, yeah. Before the match can even start, Steel uses his authentic plastic sword to knight several fans at ringside. Prazak: "Is the sword legal?" Kingston: "Mass murder is NOT legal in CHIKARA." Just in case you were wondering. Crossbones and Roger start. They trade some carny counters, with each guy looking to work the other's arm. Roger grabs a rear waistlock, but Crossbones is just too damn big and he can't do anything with him. Standing switch, full Nelson by Crossbones. Roger comes up with a unique counter, rapidly punching at Crossbones' hands until he breaks the hold.
Roger stomps Crossbones in the gut. He ties up both Crossbones' arms and legs and ends up standing pretty much on top of him. Steel opens Roger's treasure chest and pulls out a telescope. He hands it to Roger...ARR! He really is the master of all that he surveys. Tag to Steel. Knight Eye whips Crossbones into the corner. They hit their big double team move, where Steel climbs onto Roger's back and extends his fist. Roger then charges the opponent and Steel connects with a punch. This, naturally, is called the Joust. Metalico tags in. Steel charges, grabbing him by the arm and forcing him to smack himself with his metal hand! That's just mean.
From the apron, Roger hands Steel his sword. This is about to get messy, folks. He swings, but Metalico blocks it with his metal hand! Frustrated, Steel goes for a tackle, but bounces off. Metalico goes for the Iron Claw, but Steel manages to block it. Roger runs in and gets down on all fours behind Metalico. They do the old schoolboy trip, then roll Metalico onto his stomach. Steel grabs a Boston Crab, which is his signature spot. Crossbones runs in and breaks it up. Roger tags in. He heads up top and scores with a double stomp across Metalico's back. They mistime a wheelbarrow bulldog spot, but Metalico muscles him up in a full Nelson and swings him into a wicked looking backbreaker. Cover gets two.
Metalico sends Roger into the corner, but misses a splash. Roger snapmares him and lays in a stiff kick to the back. Crossbones taunts him, saying that he didn't do it right. Roger adds a second kick. Crossbones continues to mock him. Kick number three from Roger. Steel comes in and adds one of his own. Crossbones is fed up. He comes in and...snaps off three more kicks to Metalico's back. Gotta teach the younger guys how to do things properly. Steel adds another kick. Crossbones tells him that the ref could do it better. Bryce Remsburg then proves it, kicking Metalico square in the spine. Crossbones ain't impressed. He lays in five more kicks, desperately trying to pass on his knowledge. Everyone starts taking turns and they must pepper Metalico with at least twenty more kicks.
Mano Metalico has had ENOUGH! He pops up (causing Bryce to humorously fly into the corner as if he's just seen a ghost) and gets in his partner's face. Crossbones begs off. He snapmares Roger and kicks *him* in the spine repeatedly, trying to make good. This entire sequence is even more awesome than it sounds. Metalico chops Roger with his metal hand, shoves him into the corner and tags Crossbones. Whip to the corner and he plants Roger with an Exploder suplex on the rebound. Cover gets two. He nails Roger with a huge spinning enzuigiri and makes a cocky cover. Roger escapes at two.
Tag to Metalico. Crossbones backs Bryce against the ropes and makes him raise his arms straight up. He practices his placeholder skills, using Roger's head as his football. He tells Metalico that the score is tied and asks him what he's going to do. Metalico lines up for the winning field goal, but Crossbones Lucy's his dumb ass! He thinks that this is the funniest thing ever. I find it hard not to agree. A dropkick from Roger sends him to the floor. Metalico goozles Roger. He releases only so he can tear Steel's head off with a clothesline. He sends Roger into the ropes and goes for a tilt-a-whirl slam. Roger counters into a rollup and gets the win! Knight Eye advances!
What a fun match. Seriously, I'm at the point as a fan where I'd take something like this, gaping flaws and all, over some shining example of the dreaded W-word...workrate. I love good wrestling as much as the next guy (probably more, just based on the ridiculous amount of cash I still drop into this silly, juvenile hobby of mine), but there's more to wrestling than a properly applied rear chinlock. This is why you rarely ever see me flat out trash a wrestling match. I can find something entertaining in even the worst matches. Sure, I realistically know that they suck. I just don't care. Therein lies the difference in my fandom, I guess...
-Eddie Kingston decides that he has something better to do, so "Sweet & Sour" Larry Sweeney is joining us on commentary. Tremendous! If for no other reason, you've gotta love the man for still believing in kayfabe.
Big Daddy (Shirley Doe & Darkness Crabtree) v. Team Osaka Pro (Ebessan & Billy Ken Kid) -
Big Daddy, of course, gets it's name from Shirley "Big Daddy" Crabtree, who was basically the Hogan of the UK wrestling scene in his heyday. Both the positive and negative connotations of that name, for what it's worth. Team Osaka Pro gets it's name because, well...they work(ed) for Osaka Pro. Duh. Poor Darkness Crabtree can't even get into the ring. Because he's really, really old, you see. Has 63 years of experience according to the CHIKARA site. He just kinda rolls through the ropes and pops up to his feet.
No streamers for the Osaka Pro guys. This is good and bad. I love that CHIKARA doesn't draw the smarmy ass smart mark crowd that would throw streamers at a Japanese wrestler. But at the same time, Ebessan deserves it. And don't think that just because I'm ignoring him that Billy Ken Kid sucks. He's awesome. Other than the fact that I can't comfortably abbreviate his name and therefore have to type it in full whenever I mention him. Ebessan, however, is a comedic force of nature who pretty much commands your full attention.
Doe and Billy Ken Kid open the match. They run through some quick matwork and I'm impressed by how quick Doe looks. This is the first time I've ever seen him work and I wouldn't have pegged him as a guy who'd go all carny with the matwork, but there it is. Never forget, though, the dude worships SATAN! Ebessan tags in. He, as far as I know, does not worship Satan. But he rather devious, randomly pointing out into the crowd to confuse the ref. Team Osaka Pro whips Doe into the ropes and drop him with a double tackle.
Ebessan pulls Doe up and they start trading punches/European uppercuts. Ebessan is staggered, wildly swinging away at air. He happens to connect with a chop and Doe goes down. Ebessan continue to flail away like a madman, though. He finally gets control of himself and starts chopping away at Doe in the corner. Flair strut by Ebessan! He whips Doe into the opposite corner, but misses a splash. Enzu-lariat by Doe...Ebessan flops to the mat. Doe celebrates with a wildly inappropriate Flair strut of his own. He tags Crabtree, injuring his withered old hand in the process.
Crabtree gets stuck trying to climb in. He basically collapses to the mat, managing to connect with a weak chop to Ebessan's gut in the process. Both guys back off for a bit, playing to the crowd. Crabtree gets everyone clapping along with him, then complains that they're doing it too fast for him. We finally get a lockup and it's time for an Ebessan specialty: the slow motion sequence. Ebessan grabs a side headlock. Crabtree "shoots" him into the ropes. Ebessan calmly walks to the ropes and rebounds off. He lightly bumps into Crabtree with a tackle. TIMBER! Crabtree is down!
Ebessan crisscrosses the ropes, walking the entire time. Crabtree rolls to his stomach. Ebessan steps over him. They set up for a leapfrog spot, but quickly realize two things: 1. Ebessan isn't moving nearly fast enough and 2. Even if he was, Crabtree can't jump that high. What to do, what to do? They just stand there looking at one another for a few seconds. Crabtree shoots Ebessan into the ropes. He goes for an armdrag. Ebessan reverses and Crabtree takes the slowest bump ever.
Crabtree is to one knee. Shining Wizard time? Ebessan goes for it, but Crabtree uses his vast experience, switching knees at the last second and giving Ebessan nothing to step up on. Ebessan backs off and tries again. Crabtree once again switches knees. He does it a few more times and Ebessan is so upset that he tags out. Crabtree halts the match so he can take his meds. They FIRE HIM UP and it's go time!
He snapmares Billy Ken Kid, then shoots him into the ropes. He goes for a backdrop, but Billy Ken Kid lands on his feet. He drops Crabtree with a superkick, but he kips right back up! The crowd is totally geeking out. So am I. Crabtree bounces off the ropes and scores with a crazy spinning armdrag. Billy Ken Kid comes back with a satellite headscissors, sending Crabtree to the floor. The meds are starting to wear off, as he slowly hobbles out of the way before Billy Ken Kid can dive on him.
Doe comes in, as does Ebessan. They go back and forth for a bit. Doe connects with a Takayama-like running knee to the face (invoking his name beforehand, presumably for added fighting spirit). He tells Crabtree to get his boot up so he can ram Ebessan into it, but Crabtree can't lift it higher than the bottom rope. He finally struggles to get it up, at which point Doe simply tags him, sending him crashing into the ring.
He snapmares Ebessan and gingerly climbs to the second rope. He walks the ropes (hiking up his pants the entire time), ends up slipping and falling, but just happens to connect with a diving headbutt in the process. Doe tosses him his pills. Crabtree pops the rest of the bottle and again, he's feelin' it! BUT WAIT! Crabtree collapses in the ring, clutching at his chest. This could be a tragic scene.
Doe runs in to perform CPR, but doesn't have much luck. Ebessan takes things into his own hands, dropping an elbow to Crabtree's chest, reviving him. Thank God. Billy Ken Kid runs in. He superkicks Doe to the floor, then follows with a pescado. In the ring, we get a reprise of the Shining Wizard goofiness from earlier. Ebessan has learned from his mistakes, though. He points into the crowd, distracting Crabtree. Shining Wizard connects! Ebessan covers and gets the win!
This was, simply, one of the best comedy matches I've ever seen. Possibly the best ever (on US shores, at least), though I've seen precious few of the billion match Ebessan/Kamen series to compare it to. Hilarious match that needs to be seen by everyone who lives and dies on workrate. I'm all about that today, aren't I?
To be continued...
The Intro:
If you're not familiar with CHIKARA Pro Wrestling, let me try to drop a bit of insight into your bland, colorless world. Based in PA, CHIKARA is one of the few wrestling companies out there that purposely looks to be family friendly. The matches are heavily lucha influenced, mixed with the more typical US indy style. You'll see lots of comedy spots as well. In the world of ultra-serious indy wrestling companies, CHIKARA has a sense of humor. Most of the regular CHIKARA crew are trainees of Mike Quackenbush and Chris Hero.
This is night one of the World Tag Grand Prix. They decided to go balls out and hold the biggest tag team tournament in the history of the business. 32 teams in all. Nights one and two will each have a 16 man tourney, with the 8 remaining teams moving on to night three. The matches are all held under lucha rules, meaning that no tags are necessary. If your partner rolls to the floor, you can legally enter the match. Another thing that I'll mention, just because it took a bit to get used to for me, is that CHIKARA doesn't use a standard ring. The ring apron is no more than a foot and a half off of the floor. Doesn't seem to really effect anything, but it's still a weird visual at first. Dave Prazak is your announcer, along with whatever guy wants to do color at that moment. Eddie Kingston is the first to volunteer.
-It's time for the opening ceremonies. But before we start, a few announcements: This is family entertainment, so please don't curse around the kids. Also, cell phones off. I expect everyone reading this to follow the same rules. And now it's time to introduce the 16 teams competing tonight:
-Team WXW (Mana, the Polynesian Warrior & John Cabbie)
-Team F.I.S.T. (Icarus & Gran Akuma)
-Ring of Honor Trainees (Shane Hagadorn & Davey Andrews)
-Ring Crew Express (Dunn & Marcos)
-Mano Metalico & Crossbones
-Knight Eye for the Pirate Guy (Jolly Roger & Lance Steel)
-Big Daddy (Shirley Doe & Darkness Crabtree)
-Team Osaka Pro (Ebessan & Billy Ken Kid)
-Arik Cannon & Claudio Castagnoli
-Jigsaw & Sabian
-You Can Call Me Al (Alison Danger & Alere Little Feather)
-Ravage & Rorschach
-Team IWA-Reading (Din Mak & Matt Bomboy)
-Team IWA Mid-South (Danny Daniels & Jimmy Jacobs)
-Team PWG (Super Dragon & B-Boy)
-A mystery team to be revealed later tonight
-Group photo, bitches! Err...sorry. I'll try to watch my language from here on out.
Round 1:
-Team F.I.S.T. promo. Icarus claims that there are 64 men in the tourney this year, but quickly catches himself, saying that it's actually 62 men, one bear and two ladies. That, folks, adds up to 65. I am PERPLEXED!
Team WXW (Mana & John Cabbie) v. Team F.I.S.T. (Icarus & Gran Akuma) -
Icarus and Cabbie open the match. Lockup, side headlock by Icarus. Cabbie shoots him into the ropes, but gets tackled. Icarus crisscrosses the ropes and ends up shortarming Cabbie into a Japanese armdrag. He follows with a headscissors takedown and tags Akuma. They double hiptoss Cabbie, then hit a simultaneous legdrop/senton combo. Akuma covers and gets two. He lays in a series of kicks and tags Icarus back in. Akuma doubles Cabbie over with a kick to the gut. Icarus straightens him back up with a kneelift, allowing Akuma to bulldog him in one fluid motion. He lifts Icarus into position for a powerbomb, then backflips him onto Cabbie (actually, he lands headfirst, but whatever). Cover gets two.
Icarus goes for a whip. Cabbie blocks it and catches him with an enzuigiri. Both guys tag. I wouldn't want to be Akuma, as Mana is a scary looking dude. Can't figure out of that's a real maori tattoo covering half his face or just paint, but still...the dude is Polynesian. In wrestling, that means...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! At any rate, Akuma tries to take him down with a series of thigh kicks, but they have no effect. He ducks a pair of wild haymakers and goes right back to the kicks, backing Mana into the corner. Mana shoves him down. Akuma rolls to his feet and keeps kicking. Second verse, same as the first. Mana is starting to wear down, though
Akuma goes for a tornado DDT, but Mana blocks, sitting him up top. He just obliterates Akuma with a chop. Icarus runs in. Mana hoists him up for a Samoan Drop, then picks up Akuma as well. Double Samoan Drop to Team F.I.S.T.! He lays Akuma out on the mat, then gives Icarus an inverted gutwrench suplex on top of him! Headbutt sends Akuma sprawling into the corner. He bounces off the ropes. Facewash? Nope...straight running knee to the face (x2). He follows with an ass splash and Akuma is toast. Mana suplexes him. Cabbie calls for a tag. Mana doesn't look pleased, but obliges him.
Cabbie whips Akuma into the ropes and punches him in the gut. Cover gets two. Well, that was basic. Butterfly suplex gets him another nearfall. Tag to Mana. Cabbie holds Akuma for a chop. Mana continues to work him over in the corner. He whips him to the opposite corner, but misses a charge. Dropkick by Akuma has zero effect. Tag to Icarus. Dropkick has no effect. Akuma dropkick? Nothing. Same with Icarus. I'd be crapping myself by this point. They both point in the air a la Sabu. Mana looks up and they stomp his bare feet! The follow with a double dropkick to the knees and Mana goes down!
Team F.I.S.T. hit Mana with a double enzuigiri. Both guys make the cover, but Mana easily escapes at two. He looks angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Cabbie decided to tag himself in. Mana? Not happy. Icarus nails Cabbie with a series of forearms. He sends him into the ropes and scores with a dropkick. He goes for another whip, but Cabbie reverses. Mana nails Icarus. He holds him for Cabbie, who lines up for a superkick. It, of course, misses, nailing Mana and knocking him to the floor. Akuma charges Cabbie, but gets backdropped over the top and onto Mana. In the ring, Icarus plants Cabbie with a spinning flapjack sort of move and gets the win!
Fun match. Mana is really over and does quite a believable job of scaring 180 pound babyfaces witless. Everything was solid and this match exemplifies the CHIKARA style. Was it a match of the year candidate? Nope. Nowhere near. Does anyone in the crowd give a crap? Nope. Because it's *ENTERTAINING*. Isn't that supposed to be the point?
-The ROH trainees cut a promo. Hagadorn lets us know that they're the only team in the tournament with any concept of honor. Andrews pulls off his TWGP shirt to reveal his ROH t-shirt. They start arguing over who is the top ROH graduate. Hagadorn says that Andrews might be Punk's favorite, but that he's the better of the two. Andrews busts out his dodgeballs (Err...I have no clue. ROH isn't my thing. Sorry.) and it's go time!
ROH Trainees (Shane Hagadorn & Davey Andrews) v. Ring Crew Express (Dunn & Marcos) -
Before the match can begin, Team ROH pull a Ring of Honor turnbuckle pad out of their bag and attach it to their corner! They almost hang it upside down, though. Oops. To quote Eddie Kingston, "Gabe's gonna be pissed!" We get the traditional ROH pre-match handshake, then the trainees attack! RCE fire back. Somewhere in this, Hagadorn and Dunn horribly botch a go behind spot and it ends up looking more like a Rocker Dropper by Dunn. Yikes. In the confusion, Andrews rolls Marcos up and gets a two count. ROH guys go for clotheslines, but both members of the RCE duck and grab side headlocks. We have noogies, people! NOOGIES! It looks like they're going to ram Hagadorn and Andrews' heads together, but they settle for dueling bulldogs instead. The ROH guys bail out of the ring to regroup.
OH SNAP! It's dodgeball time! Andrews draws an imaginary line down the center of the ring and reluctantly gives up a ball to Marcos. After a bit of posturing, Andrew whips the ball at Dunn, but it's caught! Andrews is eliminated! Hagadorn isn't paying attention, yelling at his partner. He turns and Marcos catches him RIGHT IN THE FACE! That looked painful. At any rate, the Ring Crew Express are your Dodgeball kings! Not to be confused with the Deathmatch Kings, who will be competing in day two of this very tournament. Team ROH isn't happy. They jump Dunn & Marcos as they celebrate. Hagadorn tosses Dunn to the floor and he takes a ridiculous bump to the hardwood floor in the process. The trainees stomp on Marcos for a bit.
Andrews whips him into the ropes and buries a knee into his gut. He follows with a gutwrench gutbuster and gets two. Hagadorn tags in and continues to work over the ribs. He lifts Marcos for a slam and runs him hard into the ROH turnbuckle pad. Marcos is tied to the Tree of Woe and Hagadorn drives a series of knees into his gut. Andrews comes in, distracting the ref. Hagadorn chokes Marcos, holding him wide open for a dropkick to the ribs from Andrews. Sadly, all this hot corner action has torn the ROH pad right off. Andrews looks like he's about to attack Marcos with it, but the ref snatches it away and tosses it to the floor.
Andrews shortarms Marcos from rope to rope, driving a knee into his gut each time. The third time isn't the charm, though, as Marcos rolls him up for a nearfall. Andrews pops up immediately and cuts him off with a shot to the gut. He follows with a kneelift and makes the tag. Hagadorn whips Marcos into the ropes. They mistime...something. Looks like Hagadorn thought that Marcos was going to leapfrog him while Marcos thought he was going to slide between his legs. At any rate, things look awkward for a second, but Marcos gets it back on track with an enzuigiri. He crawls toward his corner, but Hagadorn stops him with a front facelock. Marcos shoves his way toward Dunn, but Andrews runs in to distract the ref. That allows the heels to shove Marcos back into their corner.
Hagadorn drives a series of shoulders into Marcos' gut. Suplex gets two. Team ROH works an insanely long and awkward abdominal stretch sequence that serves little else than to prove that the referee was either blind, or possibly just stupid. The only redeeming part of it all was Eddie Kingston claiming that he saw no cheating on *his* monitor, with Prazak then pointing out that they're not even using monitors! After three eternities, Marcos breaks free with a hiptoss and catches Andrews (now the legal man) with a dropkick. Andrews comes right back, pressing Marcos then falling back and dropping Marcos across his knees.
Marcos ends up close to his corner, but Andrews cuts off a tag by knocking Dunn to the floor. He then stands on Marcos' head as he taunts Dunn. That's awesome. Whip, flapjack by Andrews. Hagadorn tags in. He lays Marcos across the top rope and kicks away at his ribs. Just to be a prick, Andrews sprints down the apron and adds a kick to the head. He climbs to the second rope and Hagadorn hands Marcos to him. Hagadorn drops to one knee and Andrews drives Marcos gutfirst across it. Cover, save by Dunn. Hagadorn tosses Marcos to the floor (which should have made Dunn the legal man. Shh!) and nails Dunn.
Andrews heads up top...diving headbutt onto Marcos on the floor! Holy shit indeed! He rolls Marcos in and Hagadorn scores a nearfall. He knees Marcos in the gut and sends him into the ropes. Marcos ducks a clothesline and counters with a swinging DDT! Double tag! Dunn cleans house on Team ROH. Hagadorn cuts him off and goes for a whip. Dunn reverses, shortarming him into a Gory Driver. He covers, but Andrews makes the save.
Andrews pounds on the back of Dunn's neck with a series of forearms and it looks like he's setting up for a Dragon suplex. Dunn manages to break the full Nelson, but gets dumped with a German suplex anyway. Marcos breaks up the pin. He plants Andrews with a neckbreaker. Hagadorn runs in, attacking Marcos. Fisherman's Buster by Hagadorn!
Dunn chops away at Hagadorn and hoists him up for a cutthroat suplex (basically a burning hammer with the opponent's arm pulled across his own throat). Instead of that, though, he sits out and drops Hagadorn on his head. Ouch. RCE quickly hit their electric chair/senton combo and get the win!
This match...not so good. It seemed to go on forever and these guys just didn't mesh at all. The ROH trainees looked really awkward for some reason. It's not typical of their work, even for how young they are. Anyway, there were still some fun parts. You don't get a game of dodgeball breaking out in the midst of your wrestling matches too often. I, for one, think that's a damn shame.
-Knight Eye for the Pirate Guy promo. Really, how awesome is this team? You have a pirate (ARR!) teaming with a knight from the 16th Century (w/ a time machine!)! Awesome. Jolly Roger (ARR!) tells us that pirates like the following: Fighting, stealing, partying and...fighting. ARR! He also gives us the skinny on Lance Steel's armor. It's level 40 with element resistance! And we don't even want to know about Steel's magical ability.
He fights off hoardes, eats sherbert ice cream and slays dragons. BAD ASS. This is the greatest tag team ever. I didn't even mention Roger's parrot (it's actually stuffed, but no one realizes that, including me!), El Hijo Del Frankie. THE SON OF FRANKIE! Koko B. Ware is like the spiritual adviser of this team. How could they possibly lose? Oh, by the way? ARR!
Oh, here's the part where I'm going to try to lighten up a bit with the play by play. So if you only skimmed the first half, maybe this next part will be more to your liking. If you prefer it, perhaps you should let me know. Or don't! It's all up to you! *shrugs*
Mano Metalico & Crossbones v. Knight Eye For the Pirate Guy (Jolly Roger & Lance Steel) -
I bet Metalico/Crossbones are sad that they didn't get a witty team name. But at the end of the day, Metalico has *A METAL HAND*. I'm sure he dealt with it. Crossbones...wears a mask. Um, yeah. Before the match can even start, Steel uses his authentic plastic sword to knight several fans at ringside. Prazak: "Is the sword legal?" Kingston: "Mass murder is NOT legal in CHIKARA." Just in case you were wondering. Crossbones and Roger start. They trade some carny counters, with each guy looking to work the other's arm. Roger grabs a rear waistlock, but Crossbones is just too damn big and he can't do anything with him. Standing switch, full Nelson by Crossbones. Roger comes up with a unique counter, rapidly punching at Crossbones' hands until he breaks the hold.
Roger stomps Crossbones in the gut. He ties up both Crossbones' arms and legs and ends up standing pretty much on top of him. Steel opens Roger's treasure chest and pulls out a telescope. He hands it to Roger...ARR! He really is the master of all that he surveys. Tag to Steel. Knight Eye whips Crossbones into the corner. They hit their big double team move, where Steel climbs onto Roger's back and extends his fist. Roger then charges the opponent and Steel connects with a punch. This, naturally, is called the Joust. Metalico tags in. Steel charges, grabbing him by the arm and forcing him to smack himself with his metal hand! That's just mean.
From the apron, Roger hands Steel his sword. This is about to get messy, folks. He swings, but Metalico blocks it with his metal hand! Frustrated, Steel goes for a tackle, but bounces off. Metalico goes for the Iron Claw, but Steel manages to block it. Roger runs in and gets down on all fours behind Metalico. They do the old schoolboy trip, then roll Metalico onto his stomach. Steel grabs a Boston Crab, which is his signature spot. Crossbones runs in and breaks it up. Roger tags in. He heads up top and scores with a double stomp across Metalico's back. They mistime a wheelbarrow bulldog spot, but Metalico muscles him up in a full Nelson and swings him into a wicked looking backbreaker. Cover gets two.
Metalico sends Roger into the corner, but misses a splash. Roger snapmares him and lays in a stiff kick to the back. Crossbones taunts him, saying that he didn't do it right. Roger adds a second kick. Crossbones continues to mock him. Kick number three from Roger. Steel comes in and adds one of his own. Crossbones is fed up. He comes in and...snaps off three more kicks to Metalico's back. Gotta teach the younger guys how to do things properly. Steel adds another kick. Crossbones tells him that the ref could do it better. Bryce Remsburg then proves it, kicking Metalico square in the spine. Crossbones ain't impressed. He lays in five more kicks, desperately trying to pass on his knowledge. Everyone starts taking turns and they must pepper Metalico with at least twenty more kicks.
Mano Metalico has had ENOUGH! He pops up (causing Bryce to humorously fly into the corner as if he's just seen a ghost) and gets in his partner's face. Crossbones begs off. He snapmares Roger and kicks *him* in the spine repeatedly, trying to make good. This entire sequence is even more awesome than it sounds. Metalico chops Roger with his metal hand, shoves him into the corner and tags Crossbones. Whip to the corner and he plants Roger with an Exploder suplex on the rebound. Cover gets two. He nails Roger with a huge spinning enzuigiri and makes a cocky cover. Roger escapes at two.
Tag to Metalico. Crossbones backs Bryce against the ropes and makes him raise his arms straight up. He practices his placeholder skills, using Roger's head as his football. He tells Metalico that the score is tied and asks him what he's going to do. Metalico lines up for the winning field goal, but Crossbones Lucy's his dumb ass! He thinks that this is the funniest thing ever. I find it hard not to agree. A dropkick from Roger sends him to the floor. Metalico goozles Roger. He releases only so he can tear Steel's head off with a clothesline. He sends Roger into the ropes and goes for a tilt-a-whirl slam. Roger counters into a rollup and gets the win! Knight Eye advances!
What a fun match. Seriously, I'm at the point as a fan where I'd take something like this, gaping flaws and all, over some shining example of the dreaded W-word...workrate. I love good wrestling as much as the next guy (probably more, just based on the ridiculous amount of cash I still drop into this silly, juvenile hobby of mine), but there's more to wrestling than a properly applied rear chinlock. This is why you rarely ever see me flat out trash a wrestling match. I can find something entertaining in even the worst matches. Sure, I realistically know that they suck. I just don't care. Therein lies the difference in my fandom, I guess...
-Eddie Kingston decides that he has something better to do, so "Sweet & Sour" Larry Sweeney is joining us on commentary. Tremendous! If for no other reason, you've gotta love the man for still believing in kayfabe.
Big Daddy (Shirley Doe & Darkness Crabtree) v. Team Osaka Pro (Ebessan & Billy Ken Kid) -
Big Daddy, of course, gets it's name from Shirley "Big Daddy" Crabtree, who was basically the Hogan of the UK wrestling scene in his heyday. Both the positive and negative connotations of that name, for what it's worth. Team Osaka Pro gets it's name because, well...they work(ed) for Osaka Pro. Duh. Poor Darkness Crabtree can't even get into the ring. Because he's really, really old, you see. Has 63 years of experience according to the CHIKARA site. He just kinda rolls through the ropes and pops up to his feet.
No streamers for the Osaka Pro guys. This is good and bad. I love that CHIKARA doesn't draw the smarmy ass smart mark crowd that would throw streamers at a Japanese wrestler. But at the same time, Ebessan deserves it. And don't think that just because I'm ignoring him that Billy Ken Kid sucks. He's awesome. Other than the fact that I can't comfortably abbreviate his name and therefore have to type it in full whenever I mention him. Ebessan, however, is a comedic force of nature who pretty much commands your full attention.
Doe and Billy Ken Kid open the match. They run through some quick matwork and I'm impressed by how quick Doe looks. This is the first time I've ever seen him work and I wouldn't have pegged him as a guy who'd go all carny with the matwork, but there it is. Never forget, though, the dude worships SATAN! Ebessan tags in. He, as far as I know, does not worship Satan. But he rather devious, randomly pointing out into the crowd to confuse the ref. Team Osaka Pro whips Doe into the ropes and drop him with a double tackle.
Ebessan pulls Doe up and they start trading punches/European uppercuts. Ebessan is staggered, wildly swinging away at air. He happens to connect with a chop and Doe goes down. Ebessan continue to flail away like a madman, though. He finally gets control of himself and starts chopping away at Doe in the corner. Flair strut by Ebessan! He whips Doe into the opposite corner, but misses a splash. Enzu-lariat by Doe...Ebessan flops to the mat. Doe celebrates with a wildly inappropriate Flair strut of his own. He tags Crabtree, injuring his withered old hand in the process.
Crabtree gets stuck trying to climb in. He basically collapses to the mat, managing to connect with a weak chop to Ebessan's gut in the process. Both guys back off for a bit, playing to the crowd. Crabtree gets everyone clapping along with him, then complains that they're doing it too fast for him. We finally get a lockup and it's time for an Ebessan specialty: the slow motion sequence. Ebessan grabs a side headlock. Crabtree "shoots" him into the ropes. Ebessan calmly walks to the ropes and rebounds off. He lightly bumps into Crabtree with a tackle. TIMBER! Crabtree is down!
Ebessan crisscrosses the ropes, walking the entire time. Crabtree rolls to his stomach. Ebessan steps over him. They set up for a leapfrog spot, but quickly realize two things: 1. Ebessan isn't moving nearly fast enough and 2. Even if he was, Crabtree can't jump that high. What to do, what to do? They just stand there looking at one another for a few seconds. Crabtree shoots Ebessan into the ropes. He goes for an armdrag. Ebessan reverses and Crabtree takes the slowest bump ever.
Crabtree is to one knee. Shining Wizard time? Ebessan goes for it, but Crabtree uses his vast experience, switching knees at the last second and giving Ebessan nothing to step up on. Ebessan backs off and tries again. Crabtree once again switches knees. He does it a few more times and Ebessan is so upset that he tags out. Crabtree halts the match so he can take his meds. They FIRE HIM UP and it's go time!
He snapmares Billy Ken Kid, then shoots him into the ropes. He goes for a backdrop, but Billy Ken Kid lands on his feet. He drops Crabtree with a superkick, but he kips right back up! The crowd is totally geeking out. So am I. Crabtree bounces off the ropes and scores with a crazy spinning armdrag. Billy Ken Kid comes back with a satellite headscissors, sending Crabtree to the floor. The meds are starting to wear off, as he slowly hobbles out of the way before Billy Ken Kid can dive on him.
Doe comes in, as does Ebessan. They go back and forth for a bit. Doe connects with a Takayama-like running knee to the face (invoking his name beforehand, presumably for added fighting spirit). He tells Crabtree to get his boot up so he can ram Ebessan into it, but Crabtree can't lift it higher than the bottom rope. He finally struggles to get it up, at which point Doe simply tags him, sending him crashing into the ring.
He snapmares Ebessan and gingerly climbs to the second rope. He walks the ropes (hiking up his pants the entire time), ends up slipping and falling, but just happens to connect with a diving headbutt in the process. Doe tosses him his pills. Crabtree pops the rest of the bottle and again, he's feelin' it! BUT WAIT! Crabtree collapses in the ring, clutching at his chest. This could be a tragic scene.
Doe runs in to perform CPR, but doesn't have much luck. Ebessan takes things into his own hands, dropping an elbow to Crabtree's chest, reviving him. Thank God. Billy Ken Kid runs in. He superkicks Doe to the floor, then follows with a pescado. In the ring, we get a reprise of the Shining Wizard goofiness from earlier. Ebessan has learned from his mistakes, though. He points into the crowd, distracting Crabtree. Shining Wizard connects! Ebessan covers and gets the win!
This was, simply, one of the best comedy matches I've ever seen. Possibly the best ever (on US shores, at least), though I've seen precious few of the billion match Ebessan/Kamen series to compare it to. Hilarious match that needs to be seen by everyone who lives and dies on workrate. I'm all about that today, aren't I?
To be continued...
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شركة تعقيم في الشارقة
شركة جلي و تلميع الرخام في دبي
شركة مكافحة حشرات دبي